How to avoid topping from the bottom

“Topping from the Bottom” refers to an instance in a BDsM scene where the submissive partner, or bottom, seeks to control the scene.  It’s a frowned-upon practice in the BDsM community and a somewhat controversial topic.  Today I wanted to unpack the idea of “Topping from the Bottom” and discuss some of the things I’ve found help to avoid it.

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What does “Topping from the bottom” actually entail?

One of the reasons why it’s so difficult to discuss topping from the bottom is that there isn’t a universally agreed-upon definition of the kind of behaviour that it involves.  What some dominants consider acceptable, others will be angered by.  For example, some submissives indulge in “bratting” during a scene, where they refuse to do what their dominant orders until they are made to comply.  For some people, bratting is part of their dynamic, and having the dominant “make” them submit is an important aspect of play.  For other players, this type of behaviour is deeply disrespectful to the dominant.

 

So it’s difficult to say “X behaviour is topping from the bottom, while Y is not” because what is acceptable varies from person to person and scene to scene.  There are a range of practices that might be considered topping from the bottom depending on the circumstances.  But generally speaking, any instance where the submissive partner tries to manipulate play in a way that has not previously been agreed upon would constitute topping from the bottom.

 

Why does it matter so much?

Topping from the bottom is so frowned upon because it violates the power exchange that is the core of most BDsM scenes.  Usually, when a scene takes place, the submissive party gives up some of their power and control to the dominant, who promises to look after them and drive the scene.  For many dominants, when their submissive tops from the bottom, it can be seen as a declaration that they do not trust them.  It can also be extremely frustrating for a dominant who has carefully planned a scene to have it disrupted by a submissive saying “No, use the red flogger, not the black one”.  Planning and executing BDsM scenes is mentally and physically draining for a dominant, and it can feel like the submissive doesn’t appreciate that hard work and effort if they interrupt or manipulate the scene.   At it’s core though, topping from the bottom is seen to matter because it means that the submissive has failed to carry out their role in the scene.

 

So, how can we avoid topping from the bottom?

Clear and comprehensive negotiation is the best way to avoid topping from the bottom.  Negotiation is an important part of BDsM scenes, and there are a few things that should definitely be touched on to diffuse a situation that could give rise to topping from the bottom:

  • A lot of the time, when a submissive won’t submit or tries to manipulate a scene, it’s because they’re afraid.  They’re worried that they might get hurt or that their dominant will harm them in some way.  Discussing fears, phobias, triggers and limits is a vital part of negotiation and if the submissive party feels that they’ve been heard in this realm, they’re a lot more likely to be able to hand over the reigns to a Dom.
  • Sometimes, people have a very clear picture in their minds of how they want a scene to play out.  Perhaps they have a particular fantasy that they’re trying to recreate, which means that certain details have to be just so.  If you’re trying to do a fantasy role play scene, discussing these details and planning out how to achieve them beforehand can help.
  • Set out rules and limits that all parties agree upon as to what is acceptable during play.  For example, if you know that you like to be a bit of a brat during a scene, speak up and decide if this is ok.   Whatever works for you, just make sure that you’ve set out the rules for the scene clearly before you begin.
  • Finally, agree on a safeword or signal and decide what will happen if the safeword is called.  Many submissives will have one safeword that means “Slow down and check in” and another that means “Stop right this second”.  Both parties should commit to following the rules you set out for safewords.

– Trust is another important factor in BDsM in general, but it is a huge component in avoiding topping from the bottom. When a submissive feels secure in their relationship with the dominant, and they are confident of their top’s abilities, it’s so much easier to put themselves in that person’s hands:

  • Build up scenes slowly over time.  Don’t leap right into a suspension rope scene or heavy impact play with a new partner.  Start with something simple, a light spanking scene or some scarf bondage and build up to the heavy stuff.  Each time you navigate a new scene or type of play with your partner, your trust in them will grow.  Start out with play that involves a small exchange of power, and work towards the big, complicated power dynamics as your trust grows.
  • Talk about your individual skills and abilities, and don’t commit to doing scenes that are beyond your comfort or skill level.
  • Debrief after the scene is over.  Once everyone is feeling calm and you’ve done your aftercare, have a conversation about how things went, what was good and what could be better next time.

There is a lot of introspective work that goes into BDsM.  A huge amount of time goes into soul searching and self evaluation

  • Be very honest with yourself about your personal limits and desires.  And then be unwavering on your limits when negotiating a scene.  Don’t agree to participate in play that you aren’t comfortable with.  That way, you won’t be put in a situation where you’re afraid and anxious and trying to manipulate play to protect your ego.
  • Commit to your role in the scene. If you’re in the submissive role, your job is to submit.  Even if you’re a brat or you resist, your ultimate role is to submit and do as you’re told.  And if you don’t want to do that…then maybe BDsM play isn’t for you. Or maybe you’d be better off in the dominant role.
  • If you’re a submissive, it’s very normal to experience resistance to submission.  Even when I trust my partner and I’ve given my full consent, I still experience moments where Sir will tell me to do something and I hesitate.  In these moments I’ve learned to have a quiet word with myself, to remind myself that I trust my partner and that He has a plan for the scene.  I remember that He knows what He’s doing and that Sir would never harm me.  Reminding myself of those facts helps me to relax and give myself over when anxiety or fear creep in during a scene.
  • Manage your own expectations.  This is particularly important if you’re doing a fantasy role play, because fantasies rarely translate perfectly into reality.  When you let go of the need for the scene to go exactly the way you pictured in your head, it makes it easier to resist the urge to micromanage it.

Topping from the bottom is a very tricky topic to discuss, because it can mean many things to different people.  But ultimately it’s about a submissive who is either unwilling or unable to surrender and submit.  And I believe that honest communication and slow building of trust will go a long way to allowing that submissive to let go and hand control over to their dominant.  It’s not easy to submit, but once you’ve established that safety and trust, it’s so much easier to release your grip and just enjoy the ride.

 

Do you have any tips on how to avoid topping from the bottom?  Or any questions about BDsM scenes and negotiation? If you do, please leave a comment below.

 

 

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Why I can’t teach you to orgasm

I love writing about sex.  It’s one of my favourite topics to blog about and I enjoy publishing posts about toys, BDsM and sexuality.  But I’ve never felt right publishing those Cosmo-eque “15 ways to have an explosive orgasm” posts.

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I was a passionate consumer of these types of articles for years.  I never had trouble finding my orgasm, but I was always eager to find new ways to bring on that pleasure for myself.  I felt compelled to try every new position, every technique that might possibly bring on a bigger, better climax.

 

And for years I found myself deeply disappointed.  Because each time I read one of these articles I wound up feeling broken.  More often than not, the fail-safe techniques contained therein didn’t work for me.  They didn’t bring me an earth-shattering orgasm.  In fact, most of the time they didn’t bring me any orgasm at all, just a feeling that I was inferior, that my body wasn’t working right and that I was missing out on untold pleasures as a result.

 

I vividly recall one holiday I took where my hotel room was equipped with a spa.  I was excited because I’d read so many stories of women who had masturbated by allowing the water from the jets to stimulate their clitorises or by letting a running faucet flow over their vulva.  Eager to try this method out, I ran myself a bath, scooted in line with one of the jets and waited.  And waited some more.  And shifted position.  And then began to wonder “at what point does this start to feel good?”  It wasn’t doing a darn thing for me.  I pulled out the plug, towelled myself off and went to bed feeling disappointed.

 

This pattern repeated itself over the years in so many different ways.  It even popped up when I was given my first ever sex toy.  I jumped into bed, eager to play with it because I was sure it was going to give me an earth-shattering orgasm.  I pressed it to my genitals, turned it on and waited for the magic.  And turned up the power and waited.  And finally gave up.  I thought my beautiful new vibrator was a total dud because I hadn’t wanted to scream with pleasure as soon as it made contact with my body.  How wrong I was.

 

I think the problem I had was twofold.  Firstly, I was taking a purely mechanical approach to pleasure.  I was reading the techniques in these articles and following them stringently.  But the thing is, our erogenous zones can’t be manipulated by pressing the right series of buttons in the right order.  You’re trying to have an orgasm, not operating a coffee machine.  And a lot of the time articles that promise to show you a new technique to help you come are written like an instruction manual.  So even if you follow all the steps, you still might not reach the desired end result because most of us need more than that to orgasm.  We need to be sufficiently relaxed and we need to feel safe.  There are hormonal fluctuations, physical rhythms and stress patterns that come into play.  Our body is a hugely complicated system, and so many factors come into play when you’re talking about physical pleasure.

 

The second part of the problem is decidedly more personal.  It’s taken me a while to be able to articulate it.  But a few days ago I listened to a lecture by Sonalee Rashatwar that set off a lightbulb in my brain.  In the lecture, Sonalee pointed out that in many non-Western cultures, people hold the idea that each person is born with all the knowledge they need to be happy and fulfilled, and that it’s merely a matter of accessing that knowledge.  This is different to the more western notion of a person looking outside themselves to learn what they need to know.  This statement resonated so fiercely with me because it so beautifully described how I feel about learning to orgasm.

 

I believe that for each of us, our body already knows what it needs to feel pleasure.  Think about it.  When we’re hungry, often our body will give us a signal of what kind of food we need to satiate ourselves.  If we are feeling agitated or upset, often an idea will pop up of something that will feel good or comfort us.  And I think that our bodies know what we need to bring us physical pleasure and orgasm.

 

In my experience, the times when I’ve learned a new way to orgasm, whether that be using a different sexual position, a different technique for touching myself, a new kind of toy or whatever, the orgasm has been a result of finding something that feels good and moving towards it.  In the case of my first vibrator, the way I eventually got it to work for me was when I was playing around with it one day, noticed that one of the settings felt really good against my body, and just relaxed and ran towards that feeling.  Finding that spark of “Oh, this feels nice” and then pursuing it has always been the way that I’ve achieved climax.  I’ve learned to look for the signals that my body throws up when I’m enjoying myself, or listen to those ideas that pop into my mind about different ways to move or play that might feel good.  It’s that experimentation and willingness to listen to my own body that have allowed me to learn how to have great sex, not from rigidly following the instructions in an article I read in Cosmo.

 

And that’s why I don’t feel comfortable writing articles that set out techniques that “guarantee” amazing orgasms.  Because I don’t think that approach to pleasure is helpful.  Sexuality and pleasure is intensely personal, and varies so much from person to person.  Although I can give you suggestions for things to try, or recommend toys that are great to play with, I don’t want to offer guarantees or step-by-step instructions.  Because by doing that, I’m discouraging you from being creative and playful in bed, from listening to your own body and chasing pleasure when it pops up.  I don’t ever want to write something that makes someone feel ashamed or broken.  I want to write posts that inspire you to try new things and look for the ways you can achieve pleasure that work for you.

 

A guide to choosing sex toys as gifts.

I’ve been asked many times for advice on choosing a sex toy to give as a gift to a partner.  I had planned to write and publish this post in the lead-up to Christmas, but the last few weeks have been swamped with work commitments, family engagements and wild weather that left me without power or internet connection for long stretches.  Even though Christmas is over, I still wanted to address the topic of buying sex toys as presents, because it’s relevant year-round.

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Choosing a sex toy for another person can be fraught with difficulties.  The potential for embarrassment (both theirs and yours) is high.  You can accidentally insult someone if you buy something that is wildly contrary to their interests, or even potentially make them feel pressured to engage in sexual acts that they aren’t truly comfortable with.  It’s a bit of a minefield but I’m here with some top tips and tricks to help you choose a gift that your partner will find exciting and pleasurable.

 

Before you begin shopping, it’s really important to have a think about why you’re buying a sex toy for your partner.  Have they expressed an interest in trying toys?  Have they mentioned wanting to dip their toe into a particular area of sexual exploration, such as BDsM or anal play?  Do you live far apart and want them to be able to enjoy steamy masturbation sessions when you aren’t with them?  Or are you hoping that by buying them a toy you’ll be able to pressure them into letting you watch them use it?  You have to be really honest with yourself here.  If you are hoping to increase your partner’s pleasure or open the door to some fresh exploration, then that’s awesome.  If you’re using the toy to entice your partner into doing something they aren’t comfortable with, then you should back off.

 

Ok, so assuming you’re buying a toy for the right reasons, the next thing to consider is what your partner is into.  Think about the kinds of activities your partner enjoys in the bedroom, and look for toys that will enhance that experience.  For example, if you know that your partner enjoys being restrained during sex, maybe you could get them some gorgeous cuffs and a blindfold.  If your partner prefers clitoral stimulation, try an external vibrator.  Also, it pays to think about any areas of sexuality that your sweetheart has mentioned they are interested in trying.  If they’ve previously mentioned that they find pegging really hot, then a simple harness and small silicone dildo could be fun.  Or if they’re itching to try spanking, a paddle or a crop could be a cheeky addition to their toybox.  Pay attention to your partner’s preferences and desires and choose accordingly.

 

Another thing to consider is whether your partner already owns any toys.  If they have a budding collection, then it’s worth looking for any patterns in the toys they own.  Do they seem to prefer insertable toys?  Vibrators?  Is their bedside drawer filled with butt plugs of various sizes?  If there is a particular thing that they seem to love, try getting them something similar, with a twist. Dildos in luxurious materials like glass are a great start, as are vibrators with unique shapes or functions.

 

Once you’ve got an idea of the kind of thing you’d like to buy for your honey, do some research.  Look at online stores for ideas, read reviews from sex bloggers, watch youtube videos and pay attention to what they have to say.  Take into account any criticisms and decide whether these are deal-breakers for your partner.  Also remember that bodies vary wildly and what feels pleasurable to one person can be irritating or even painful for another.

 

Is your head spinning yet?  I’m not surprised.  Shopping for sex toys can be an overwhelming experience.  There are so many to choose from and so many different factors to consider.  Which brings me to my most important piece of advice.

 

If you aren’t 100% sure what to get for your partner, get them a gift voucher.  Unless you know for a fact that your partner is drooling over a specific model of vibrator, the best thing you can do is give them a voucher for a reputable adult store.  This way, they can either go by themselves or you can make it an adventure for the both of you to go to the store and choose something that suits them perfectly.

 

My first ever vibrator was a gift from a partner.  They took me to an adult store for Valentines Day, gave me a budget and asked me to take my time choosing the toy that I most wanted.  I’d been interested in getting a vibrator for some time, but I had absolutely no idea what type of toys were available or even what would work best for my body.  So actually going to a real-life store was the best thing to do.  Not only was I able to touch the toys, press buttons and feel vibration quality and materials, but I got some amazing expert advice from the shop assistant.  She knew her toys so well and helped me to choose a vibrator that I absolutely loved.  I left the store with something that brought me years of joy, my partner was chuffed that he’d given me the gift of pleasure and I didn’t feel pressured or uncomfortable.  To this day, I still believe this is the best approach to giving a sex toy as a gift.

 

Giving a voucher or a toy-shopping expedition as a gift overcomes a lot of the pitfalls of shopping for a partner.  It takes away all the guesswork or trying to imagine what they might like.  It makes your partner feel empowered to choose something that they would find pleasurable, rather than being pressured into using the specific item you picked out.  Going shopping as a couple can be a really fun bonding experience and you won’t waste money on something that your partner won’t use.  Unless you’re really certain that your partner wants a specific toy, I think that going shopping together or giving them a voucher to spend at their leisure is the best way to gift a sex toy to your partner.

My IUD experience.

I’ve just gotten back from my appointment with my doctor to check up on my IUD.  Now that I’ve had it for three whole months I thought that it would be a good time to have a chat about my experience with the IUD.

What on earth is an IUD?

IUD stands for intra-uterine device. It is a contraceptive device.  The device is about an inch long and is inserted into the uterus by a doctor.  There are two different types of IUD: the copper IUD and the Mirena IUD.  The copper IUD works essentially as a spermicide, as copper is toxic to sperm.  The Mirena contains a low dose of the same hormones that are contained in the contraceptive pill, and works by thinning the uterine lining so that a fertilized egg cannot implant and grow into a fetus. Both types of IUD are extremely effective, and are the most effective type of long-term, reversible contraceptives.  The copper IUD lasts for three years while the Mirena lasts for five.

Why did you get an IUD?

I started looking into getting an IUD about six months ago.  The main reason was that I suffer from chronic migraines, which tend to get worse just after my period.  I had been on the contraceptive pill since I was seventeen, and for the seven days when I was taking the inactive sugar pills in the pack, I felt wretched.  This got worse as I got older and it was during this seven day window when my migraines occurred most frequently.  I hoped that by getting off the contraceptive pill, I’d ease the severity of my migraines.

 

I had originally wanted to get a copper IUD, because it has no hormones at all and I wanted to get away from hormonal birth control.  But after meeting with my gynaecologist and having a long discussion, she recommended that the Mirena would be a better fit.  The reason being that the copper IUD has a lot more side effects, such as increased period bleeding and cramping.  Also, she hoped that the Mirena, being a much lower dose of hormones than the pill, and also the fact that its’ a steady dose rather than the stop-start nature of the pill’s hormones, would still give me the benefit of easing my migraines.

 

What was the insertion like?  Did it hurt?

The insertion was pretty quick, but it did hurt a lot more than I expected.  Now, I know that some people get IUDs and experience very little pain or discomfort.  But every body is different.

The first part of the process was pretty much the same as a pap smear.  I took off all my clothing below the waist and lay on the examination table with my feet in stirrups.  My doctor inserted a speculum into my vagina and then did a manual examination, using a gloved finger to feel my ovaries and check the position of my cervix.  That bit was uncomfortable, but not at all painful.  Next, the doctor used a clamp to hold onto the lip of my uterus.  This is done to make sure that the uterus stays in place during the insertion (did you know that your uterus can move up and down?  I only learned that when I started using a menstrual cup, because your uterus and cervix are actually much lower at the end of your cycle).  This hurt quite a lot, and felt like a really sharp stinging pain low in my belly.  Luckily, my doctor worked very quickly from this point because she knew how badly that clamp hurts.

 

Next, the doctor does what is called a Uterine Sounding, which is basically using a little rod to measure the length of your uterus.  This is done to make sure that the IUD is put into the correct position.  I didn’t find this painful at all, it just felt like a light menstrual cramp.  Next, the doctor inserted the actual IUD, using the applicator.  The applicator itself looks terrifying because it’s so long, but it helps to remember that most of what you see is just the handle for the doctor to hold onto and guide the device into place.  The actual insertion was pretty painful for me.  Even though I tried to stay relaxed and focus on breathing slowly and deeply, it still hurt.  But it was over very quickly, and once the clamp was released I felt much better.  My doctor gave me a high five and I was allowed to get dressed and leave.

 

That afternoon I felt a bit sick and woozy for about twenty minutes after the procedure.  I had a bit of cramping, which just felt like menstrual cramps but they only lasted a few hours and were perfectly manageable with some Ibuprofen and a heat pack.  I also had a bit of bleeding that afternoon.  The following day I felt absolutely fine and went to work with no issues at all.

 

Did you have any side effects?

I’ve had very few side effects with the Mirena.  The main one is that my periods have been kind of irregular.  This is probably because my body is adjusting to not being on the pill.  It’s a bit of a pain not knowing when I’m going to get my period, particularly as my cycle was like clockwork when I was on the pill.  But my doctor has said that my cycle will settle into a rhythm after a few months.

I’ve also had a tiny bit more cramping on my period than what I’m used to.  But nothing too severe.

About three weeks after the insertion I had horrible sharp pains on one side of my lower stomach.  I realised that these were ovulation pains, which are caused when the ovary releases an egg.  When you are on the pill, you don’t ovulate, so this was my first ovulation in 13 years and I think it was a shock to my body, and that’s why it hurt so much.  In subsequent months I’ve had the tiniest twinge of ovulation pain, but nothing so bad as that first time.

Are you happy with it?

I’m very happy with the Mirena.  I haven’t had a migraine since I got it inserted, which is the longest I’ve gone without a migraine in five years.  I don’t expect my migraines to stop entirely, because i know that I have other triggers besides hormonal fluctuations but this has definitely helped to ease them.  I no longer have to remember to take a pill every morning or worry about picking up my prescription from the chemist.  It’s been really freeing, and so for that short burst of pain it’s been well worth it.

 

I’d definitely encourage people to think about the IUD as a long-term contraceptive option.  It’s a less popular option than the pill because it’s more expensive initially and it has to be inserted, but it’s extremely effective and lasts for years.  I’m really happy with mine and I’m open to answering any questions you might have based on my experience.

My pet peeves with sex toy companies

When it comes to designing and marketing toys, there are certain things that companies do that cause me to roll my eyes and seethe with frustration.  Whether it’s creating toys that aren’t fit for their purpose or perpetuating sexual shame, sometimes sex toy manufacturers really frustrate me.  Here are five things that I wish sex toy companies would stop doing.

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  1. Using the word “Massager” instead of “vibrator”

I’m always puzzled when I see the word “massager” pop up on the packaging of an item that is very clearly a vibrator.  I get that there are a lot of appliances that were intended to be used to relieve sore muscles, which have subsequently become cult-favourite sex toys (Hitatchi Magic Wand, are your ears burning?).  But often dildos and vibrators are sold under the guise of “massagers” that purport to “ease tension” and “reach those tight spots”.  All of this pussy-footing around just seems so silly to me.  That item that looks like a pearly pink phallus that rumbles and buzzes?  I’m gonna use it on my genitals.  It’s a vibrator.  The jig is up and you aren’t fooling anybody.

 

2. Non body-safe materials

There are materials that you aren’t allowed to use in the manufacture of children’s toys that are regularly used to make toys intended to come into contact with the most intimate parts of your body.  Some of these materials are not safe because they are porous and can harbour bacteria that can cause infection.  Some are actually toxic and can cause anything from minor irritation to chemical burns. And yet companies continue to make sex toys from non-body-safe materials because it’s cheap and they look good.  The worst part is that a lot of the “beginner” ranges of toys are made from these materials.  Those cute jelly dildos and small sized butt plugs look colourful and are easy on the wallet, but they can be seriously bad for you.  I wish that more sex toy companies would work harder to make their toys safe to use.

 

3. Anal toys without flared bases

I have lost count of the number of toys I’ve seen that are marketed as being “anal safe” that are actually anything but.  You should never put anything in your backside that doesn’t have a flared base to stop it getting sucked up into your ass.   Even though this is a very well-known rule, companies continue to make toys that are intended for butt play that have no means of retrieving them.  It’s very simple, if you want to sell butt-toys, make ones that aren’t going to disappear inside your consumers.

 

4 Including Anal-eze with butt toys.

While we’re on the subject of butt toys, let’s talk about Anal-eze.  Anal-eze is a numbing lotion that you’re supposed to apply to your asshole before anal play to stop it from hurting.  It’s also the Product Most Likely to Induce a Tantrum from this blogger.  Anal-eze is pointless and plays into so many insecurities people have around anal play.  Firstly, if you’re going to be playing with your anus, you don’t want to numb the area because you’ll miss out on all the pleasure.  Secondly, anal play doesn’t hurt when it’s done properly.  Pain is your body’s way of telling you that you need to slow down, use more lube, relax, try a smaller toy, or change positions.  Pain has a function, and without it you run this risk of doing real damage to yourself.  I think that a lot of people use products like Anal-Eze because they are afraid of anal sex and believe that it’s going to hurt.  And ironically, if you can’t feel your butt, you’re more likely to rush or use something that’s too big and you’re going to be sore when the numbing wears off, which only reinforces that fear that butt sex is painful.

While I get pissed that Anal-Eze even exists, what makes me truly livid is the fact that some manufacturers include it in the packaging with their butt plugs and anal probes. To me, that eliminates the pleasure and power a person might experience from buying an anal toy and replaces it with fear and shame.  Also, it’s just plain unsafe.

 

5. Claiming to mimic “real life” sex acts.

In the last year, there has been a tidal wave of clitoral suction toys that are supposed to feel “just like” oral sex.  But they never do.  They feel great, but the sensation of a machine on your genitals is always going to be different to a real person.  Sex toys aren’t a substitute for a partner.  Sex with toys doesn’t feel like sex with a person. And that’s ok.   I see sex with toys as a different kind of sex to having partnered sex, and I like both for different reasons.  Trying to make a toy that mimics sex with a human being will always leave the consumer disappointed because even if you could perfectly replicate the sensation, you can’t program a toy to be spontaneous or intimate.  I wish that more manufacturers would focus on marketing how great the toy feels, rather than comparing it to sex with a partner.

There are plenty of companies out there that create amazing body-safe toys without cringy marketing or a side-helping of shame with every purchase.  But there are still plenty of stores out there selling toys that commit these five sex toy crimes.  And I wish they’d stop.  Because sex toys are so much fun and the less shame and stigma that surrounds them the better.

 

What are your sex toy pet hates?

Product review: Glass tentacle wand

I know what you’re thinking: “A glass dildo?  Is she mad? Surely that’s super dangerous!”.  And I understand where you’re coming from because I felt exactly the same way when I first saw a display case of glass insertables.  I mean, glass is cold and rigid, that can’t be comfortable or sexy, right?  And…..what if it breaks inside you?  That’s just a recipe for disaster!

I was extremely hesitant to try a glass toy for all of these reasons.  But then after I got my Pure Aluminum vibrator  and I experienced how incredible a rock-hard toy can be, I started to warm up to the idea of trying a glass wand.  But I was still put off by the possibility of breakage.  The potential for pain, injury and humiliation was just too high for me to even contemplate putting anything glass inside me.  And then I did a bit of research.

As it turns out, there are plenty of high-quality glass toys on the market that aren’t going to break or shatter.  The most reputable toys are made from soda-glass or Pyrex (yep, the same stuff your Nan’s indestructible cookwear is fashioned from).  These materials are heavy and extremely resistant to breakage.  You’d need a massive amount of impact to crack one of these babies.  And if they do break, they tend to snap in two, rather than shattering into a million tiny bits.  And breakage only happens if the toy has been weakened.  So as long as you choose something that’s well-made, and discard it immediately if it shows any cracks or dents, then you can put the worry of breakage out of your mind and have a good sexy time.

Once I’d come around to the idea of trying a glass toy, the only thing to do was choose one.  There are so many great glass dildos out there, with a dizzying array of shapes, sizes and textures to choose from.  But when I spotted this glass tentacle wand at the Black Peach stall at Kinkfest last year, I knew I needed to make it mine.

The features that drew me to this wand were the curve and the texture.  Because glass is such a rigid material, I had high hopes that the textures would be more pronounced and therefore offer more intense sensation.  I also loved the way that the toy curved upwards, and imagined that it would be a great g-spotting dildo.

Initially I was a bit disappointed with the way this toy felt when inserted.  Although the rock-hard material felt interesting, the shape just didn’t work for my body.  I found my g-spot easily with the wand, but I found the tip of the toy too pointed to be pleasurable.  It felt like it was poking at my g-spot which was more painful than anything else.

After a bit of unsatisfactory prodding at my g-spot, I tried flipping the toy around while it was inside me. And that’s when I hit the jackpot.  The underside of the curve has a series of deep ridges, and this texture felt incredible when I stroked it along the front wall of my vagina.  The pressure and bumpiness on my g-spot was perfect, and the rounded handle at the end of the toy gave me loads of control to be able to stroke and massage the way I wanted to.

In the interests of doing a fully comprehensive review, I also tried this toy anally.  I had a feeling that the extreme texture would be too much for my delicate behind, so I truly didn’t expect to enjoy it.  But I am super glad that I gave it a whirl, because this has become one of my favourite butt-toys.  That pointed tip that was too intense for my g-spot made this wand incredibly easy to insert. The toy isn’t super girthy, and it only about as wide as two of my fingers, which is a good size for….not absolute beginners but those who are still learning what their butt likes. The smoothness of the glass means that it doesn’t hog lube in the way that some silicone toys can, which helped it to glide smoothly (which is what you want from anal play, dragging is not sexy).  This dildo allowed me to experience indirect g-spot stimulation through my anus, which I have never done before.  I actually had my first orgasm from butt play with this toy (or ass-gasm, as I like to call it).  Although I don’t have the anatomy to test this theory, I believe this would be a really fun toy for people who want to explore prostate play.

Glass dildos have their pros and cons.  On the plus side they are rock hard, super smooth and can be used with any kind of lube.  They are also really easy to clean and are non-porous which makes them body safe.  The main downside is that they can become unwieldy when your hands are covered in lube (and lube is a necessity when you are playing with such a rigid toy).  To avoid losing your grip, I definitely recommend having a towel nearby to wipe your hands on during play.

As I mentioned, I bought my wand from Black Peach, who sadly no longer have it in stock.  However, DDLG World have an almost identical one in their shop.  If you want a slightly thicker version of this toy, the Icicles 24 is pretty darn close in texture but has a tad more girth.

Have you tried glass toys before?  Would you give them a shot?

Product review: Fun Factory Bootie

Today I’m publishing my first ever anal toy review.  And the toy I’ve chosen to talk about is the Fun Factory Bootie plug.  Although the Bootie wasn’t my first anal plug, it is the most beginner-friendly plug I’ve tried.  And I thought it would be nice to make my first review one that appealed to readers who have never tried butt play, but might be keen to give it a go.

The Bootie is a great first-time plug for so many reasons.  It comes in three different sizes: Small, Medium and Large.  There isn’t a lot of variation between the sizes, so each one is a gentle step up from the last. I purchased the Medium plug because I wanted something a little bit larger than the smallest plug in my collection.  But if you’ve never tried anal play before, then the Small Bootie is non-intimidating and the perfect size.

In addition to the size range, I believe that the shape of the Bootie is great for first timers.  Rather than the traditional teardrop shape that most plugs have, the Bootie is a kind of elongated comma shape.  I personally find that this shape makes insertion smoother and easier.  With teardrop plugs, I have to take an incremental approach to inserting them because they get gradually wider.    Because the tip of the Bootie is the widest part, once I’ve eased that past the back door, my butt kind of just embraces the rest of the plug. When inserting a toy is easy and smooth, it makes the rest of your play session so much more enjoyable.

The texture of this plug makes it super easy to insert and wear too.  The Bootie is made from Fun Factory’s gorgeous velvety silicone.  It’s 100% body safe and non-porous, which is ultra important for anal toys.  A toy that is not body safe can harbour bacteria and cause infections.  Porous toys are a breeding ground for odours, which is the last thing you want from a butt toy.  The Bootie is so smooth and silky to touch, with absolutely no seams or ridges.  While experienced players might like a bit of texture to enhance sensation, for the first-time user the mere fact that you’re wearing a butt plug is usually enough sensation. The Bootie gives you a nice full feeling without any irritation or friction.

Once inserted, the Bootie feels amazing. The curved tip follows the natural arc of your body.  I always insert this toy with the curved end facing forwards, towards my belly button.  This way, the bulge at the tip provides indirect g-spot stimulation.  If you have a prostate, inserting the Bootie in this way will angle it towards your P-spot.  The Bootie is firm, but not rigid.  It has a bit of squish to it, so it applies a good amount of pressure without being too intense.  I can comfortably wear this plug for extended periods without feeling sore.

Another reason that I adore the Bootie is that it’s great for wearing during sex.  The firm-yet-soft texture and the curved shape help to angle my partner’s cock or a dildo towards my g-spot during penetrative play.  This leads to a really full feeling as well as intense stimulation which is often missing during penetrative intercourse.  People with prostates will appreciate the additional stimulation this plug offers when worn during partnered play or during solo sessions.

One of the most vital features of any butt toy is the base.  A toy that is going into your anus needs to have a flared base to ensure that it can be easily retrieved.  The Bootie has one of the most comfortable bases of any anal toy that I’ve tried.  While most butt plugs have a rounded or rectangular base, the Bootie boasts a T-bar base of flexible silicone. When worn, the base nestles snugly between your butt cheeks.  It’s is rigid enough to keep the toy in position, but has enough flex to move with your body when you walk or sit.  For this reason, the Bootie is a great plug for wearing for extended periods.  The base is super comfortable and not obtrusive, but is also strong enough to make sure that your plug doesn’t get sucked into the great beyond.

An important factor for beginner toys is price.  If you’re trying something for the first time, you don’t want to spend a lot of money on a toy that you’re not certain is going to light your fire.  This means that often, beginners will buy cheap, low-quality toys that don’t perform well or aren’t body safe.  The Bootie plugs range in price from about $30 for the Small to $40 for the Large.  This means that they are pretty affordable, in addition to being well-crafted and high-performing.  It’s hard to find great quality toys at such a reasonable price-point, and the Bootie is a fantastic toy that won’t put a dent in your finances.  I got mine from Aphrodite’s Pleasure, which is a fantastic Aussie sex-toy shop.  They have the individual Bootie plugs or all three together in The Bootie Set which is brilliant value for money if you know you’d like the option of multiple sizes.

I love my Bootie and I truly recommend this for first-time anal explorers or more experienced players.  It’s well-made, comfortable and so sleek.  It’s one of my most-loved toys and one that I keep coming back to over and over.