20 ways to work D/s play into your daily life

Most of us have pretty hectic schedules and full calendars.  When it comes to finding time for Dominance and submission play (or D/s), it’s sometimes easier to work a little play into every day rather than blocking out a whole evening for a full scene.

couple holding hands love people

Photo by Life Of Pix on Pexels.com

Dominance and submission refers to a type of power exchange where one person takes on the role of Dominant or top, controlling the scene, creating rules for the submissive party and dishing out punishment.  The submissive or bottom follows the rules, giving up some or all of their power to the dominant.  Dominance and submission play is an extremely broad term that may incorporate elements of bondage, discipline, sadism, masochism, or roleplay.  Some people follow a D/s lifestyle, where their relationship permanently takes on these roles and the people in the relationship negotiate ways in which their everyday lives will operate based upon these roles.  Other people may engage in D/s as play only in the bedroom or on specific occasions.  People who enjoy temporary D/s play are more likely to switch roles, sometimes playing the dominant role and other times being more submissive.

 

If you’re interested in D/s play, you might be looking for some ideas to dip your toe into the water. Or perhaps you’re an experienced D/s player who is finding it difficult to make time for full play scenes, but still want to feel connected to your partner in a way that speaks to your power exchange dynamic.  Today I’ve got 20 ideas to get you started, some small ways that you can inject D/s into your everyday life.

*As always, negotiation is a vital part of any BDsM play.  Even with light, daily play, it’s still important to check in with your partner to discuss boundaries, limits and reactions.  Consent is the cornerstone of D/s play, so make sure that your partner is ok with any of the following actions or rules before implementing them.*

  1. The dominant partner chooses the submissive partner’s underwear for the day.  Knowing that your partner has selected the thing that’s closest to your skin is such a turn on.
  2. The dominant partner sends a text message to their submissive, demanding that they sneak into the nearest bathroom and take a sexy selfie for them.
  3. Wearable sex toys provide endless opportunities for daily play.  Requiring a submissive to wear kegel balls or a butt plug while they do household chores, or while out of the house reinforces power dynamics and is physically stimulating.
  4. Develop secret code names for each other to use in text messages or out aloud.  It can be anything that you feel comfortable with, but having a special name to call your partner that reinforces their position, such as Sir, Madam, little one or babygirl is both a term of endearment and a way to signal your dominance or submission discreetly.
  5. Make a rule that when dining together, the submissive partner is not allowed to begin eating until the dominant partner has begun their meal.
  6. Have the bottom serve food or drink to the top. The submissive partner should pour their dominant’s drink before their own.  When serving hot drinks, the handle should always be placed to face the dominant.  (you can find endless articles on D/s serving techniques which can be developed to suit your own tastes).
  7. Create a list of chores that the submissive partner has to complete, as well as a suitable punishment if chores are not completed satisfactorily.
  8. Jewellery can be used to signify submission and ownership.  Collars in the BDsM world often hold a similar significance to a wedding ring.  If you’re not ready for the commitment of collaring, you could try gifting the submissive partner with a necklace, anklet, ring or other piece of jewellery that they can wear regularly to remind them of their partner and their desire for submission.
  9. Make a rule that the submissive partner must ask the dominant’s permission before eating sweets or treats.
  10. When kissing your partner goodbye, gently but firmly hold under their jaw and tilt their head towards yours.
  11. Nothing beats pushing your partner against the wall for a passionate kiss, especially if you pin their wrists in place while doing so.
  12. Have your submissive groom you, helping you to wash in the shower, painting your nails or combing your hair.
  13. Provided the setting is warm and private, have the submissive partner strip naked or to their underwear while doing household chores.
  14. When watching television, the submissive partner could sit on the floor at their master’s feet.
  15. Foot rubs and massages are both relaxing for the dominant partner and a way for their submissive to show their service.
  16. Have a short morning or evening ritual, where the submissive says or texts good morning or good night to the dominant, so that they are the first thing they think of upon waking and the final thing they think of as they drift off to sleep at night.
  17. Have the submissive read erotic stories or poetry to the dominant partner.
  18. During sex or masturbation , the submissive partner must ask permission to climax.
  19. Allow the submissive to lay out the dominant’s clothes before work, or pack their lunch to show service and devotion.
  20. Together, write a mantra or vow that sums up your role in one another’s lives.  Each day, find a moment to reflect on this mantra, and carry it with you.

As you can see from this list, there are a lot of simple, everyday activities that can become a part of D/s play.  That is because Dominance and submission isn’t necessarily represented by specific acts, but by the mindset that accompanies them.  So for a lot of people, doing the dishes is a simple household chore that must be done each day.  But for me as a submissive, doing the dishes for my Sir is a way to serve him and show my love and respect for him.  With a bit of creativity and discussion, it’s easy to think of ways that you can weave Dominance and submission into your everyday life, just by adopting the mindset that “we are doing this as an expression of our dynamic”.

 

It is vital to note that there is no one specific way to incorporate D/s into your relationship.  Every relationship is different and so are the people within it.  People change with time and so the relationship has to be periodically revisited and revised to suit shifting circumstances.  There’s nothing wrong with wanting to just do the odd spot of D/s play, or switching roles as you see fit.  These small acts of D/s can be done as a one-off or developed into an ongoing set of rules or protocols for lifestyle D/s.  The most important thing is to communicate with your partner and ensure that everyone is happy and comfortable with the play you’re partaking in.

 

Do you incorporate Dominance and submission into your everyday life?  What are some other ways that you can weave D/s play into the day-to-day?

 

Advertisements

Is marriage important to me?

Lately I’ve been talking about marriage a lot.  It comes up often because one of my colleagues asks me every week if my boyfriend has proposed yet.  Without fail, my Monday morning will open with “So, has he popped the question yet?”  Originally I used to just shrug and shake my head but now I find it more amusing to try to come up with a pithy response.  “Nope,  we’ve decided that marriage is less special now because they’re gonna let gay people do it”  or “Nah, my boyfriend’s already married so we’re trying to keep our relationship on the down-low” or “Not yet.  He’s waiting for my father to sweeten the deal with a generous dowry”.  That kind of bullshit.

pexels-photo-265856.jpeg

All this talk of proposals and marriage has made me think about how dramatically my feelings about marriage have changed.

 

For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to get married.  Marriage was one of my life goals and something I thought I absolutely couldn’t be happy without.  I had a very idyllic perception of what married life would be like.  I imagined living in a beautiful house with my husband, who was extremely handsome and always smelled good. We’d spend a lot of time watching movies together, going on long trips and making out in our perfectly-made bed.  In my mind, once I’d found the right person, everything else would just be a snap.  There’d be no arguments, no uncomfortable silences and not a care in the world.  For me, marriage seemed like the ticket to a very happy life.

 

I should qualify this ideal by explaining my background a bit.  Like most girls my age, I was raised on a heavy diet of rom-coms and teen romance novels.  The happily-ever-after storylines definitely coloured my perception of what marriage should be like. The fact that most of these tales end with a wedding paints the picture that marriage is the goal.  The resolution of all the strife and struggle comes with that walk down the aisle.  In addition to this, I was surrounded by very happy marriages.  No kidding.  Among my parents, my grandparents and my aunts and uncles, there have been exactly zero divorces.  And this isn’t just because my relatives have chosen to tolerate one another until the sweet release of death, it’s because they really are genuinely happy together.  I was raised by a pretty good selection of contentedly married couples.  So it’s no wonder that marriage was something I aspired to.

 

In addition to holding very tightly to the idea that marriage was the key to a happy life, I was also aware of the status that marriage held.  Being married didn’t just mean getting to live with somebody who would make out with you whenever you wanted, it meant that you’d been chosen.  It was an affirmation that somebody felt that you were worthy enough to say “I want you in my life”.  As somebody who is chronically insecure, that kind of validation was pretty attractive.  My anxiety was also quelled by the idea that marriage was (in theory, anyway) permanent.  That it was a way to “lock down” a relationship so that I would never have to worry about heartbreak.  I felt like if I was to get married, not only would I be assured happiness, but I’d also be safe and validated.  Who wouldn’t want that?

 

As a teenager I felt pretty sure that I’d marry young.  My parents, aunts, and grandparents were all married by the age of twenty.  And I figured that my life would follow a similar timeline.  This feeling was cemented when, at 17, I met and fell in love with my first soulmate.  He was everything I wanted in a partner, and we had so much fun together.  After about two years of dating, talk turned to the topic of marriage.  Although we weren’t ready to get engaged yet, we agreed that we’d each found the person that we wanted to spend our lives with.  And so it seemed to me that I was well on my way to being married.

 

As a few more years piled on, I began to get anxious.  Although my boyfriend and I were still happy and close, we seemed no closer to getting engaged.  There were a few times when I thought “perhaps he’ll propose to me” and I ended up disappointed.  By this time, several of my friends had gotten engaged and a few had already married.  I was beginning to feel left behind, like I was going to miss out on something I very much wanted.  I vividly remember bringing home a bouquet I caught at a friend’s wedding and watching an expression of absolute panic spread across my partner’s face.  We were together for almost ten years before we admitted that we’d grown into two people who just weren’t really compatible anymore and parted ways.  I was 27, and the man I’d intended to spend my life with had just moved out.   As I sifted through the wreckage and tried to deal with the end of my relationship, I also had to recognise that a young marriage wasn’t on the cards for me.

 

In the years after my breakup, I became a lot more sexually adventurous. I admitted to myself that I was, in fact, bisexual and had several relationships with women.  I also had a polyamorous relationship that lasted about six months.  In each of those relationships, I was aware that any future wasn’t going to include marriage, at least, not a marriage that looked anything like the picture I’d envisaged as a child.  Additional I became more acquainted with the reality of what adult relationships are actually like.  That they aren’t always lighthearted, fun affairs filled with long makeout sessions and breakfast in bed.  Real people have real problems, real goals that don’t always line up, priorities that differ, finances and stresses.  Fights happen, people get upset and even the most loving relationship isn’t immune from conflict. I learned the hard way that marriage isn’t an instant ticket to happiness.

 

After a lot of dating and learning and self reflection, I find that I’ve really let go of my deep need to get married.  Now, I’m not saying that I don’t ever want to get married, but it’s no longer something that I feel like I need in order to be happy.  If I were to marry, I’d want it to be to someone who I feel is my partner, and that we were committing to building a life together and doing the hard bits as well as the fun bed make-outs and cute pet names.  I don’t feel like I need the validation of being chosen as a wife, and I recognise that marriage isn’t the secure haven I thought it was.  I also know that if I never get married, I won’t feel like I’ve failed.  I’d rather never be a wife, than to enter a marriage as blindly as I would have in the past.  If I do, I want to do it with my eyes wide open, and my heart and mind as well.

 

 

New Years Resolutions 2018

The start of a new year always feels like a blank sheet of paper to me.  It’s clean and fresh, ready to be written upon.  Although I set goals and challenges throughout the year, new years resolutions always feel more charged and purposeful to me.  Today I wanted to take some time to review my 2017 goals as well as setting some new goals for the year ahead.

 

2017 goals in review

  1. Journal once per week

There was only one week this year that I missed journalling, and it was because I was ill with the flu and couldn’t even hold my head up.  I did a mixture of traditional day-to-day records, stream of consciousness work and journal prompts.  I really enjoyed taking that time for myself to put my thoughts down on paper.

 

2. Read all the books in my to-read pile

I didn’t even come close to achieving this goal.  Although I read a lot this year, I also got two bookstore giftcards, which inevitably led to the addition of about ten new books to the pile.  If I’m going to have any chance of working through my to-read pile, I need to concentrate on not acquiring new books just as much as reading the ones on the shelf.

3. Knit a whole garment

I knitted not one, but three jumpers for myself this year (and made good progress on a fourth).

 

4. Continue transitioning to a vegan-ish diet

I rocked this one and went full vegan this year.  I cooked loads of new recipes, tried foods I never expected to like and ate out at some fantastic vegan restaurants.

 

5. Declutter my flat

I got rid of approximately one quarter of all my possessions this year.  I was extremely ruthless and cleaned out every cupboard and drawer.  I was very honest about things that I was hanging onto out of guilt, or because it represented the kind of person I wished I were, rather than the person I am.  It was incredibly freeing.

 

6. Buy fewer things

I drastically reduced the number of “just because” purchases I made this year.  Although I did a fair amount of shopping still, I tried hard to be mindful of what I was spending money on and only bought things that were necessary or which brought me joy (and I went a bit nuts at Kinkfest and Sexpo….my bad!)

 

7. Write more sex positive posts

I’m really proud of the number of sex positive posts I published in 2017.  I completed my series on the ABC’s of BDsM, wrote about sex on Game of Thrones, reviewed some awesome toys including my glass tentacle wand, the Tantus Destiny and the Bootie plug and considered the performance of pleasure. I got a lot more comfortable writing about sex and talking about difficult topics.  I also attended Sexpo and Oz Kinkfest and met loads of incredible people at both events.

 

8. Build an aftercare kit

I had long wanted to build an aftercare kit for my BDsM needs.  I put together an awesome little bag filled with all the essentials I need to take care of myself after a scene.  It’s been super useful and it was truly therapeutic to consider closely the type of aftercare I need after a scene.

 

2018 resolutions

  • Close the gap on my long distance relationship

I’ve been dating my partner for almost two years now and we live three hours away from each other.  Long distance relationships are rewarding, but difficult.  By this time next year, I’d really like for my love and I to be living closer to one another.

 

  • Be able to do a forward split

My yoga practice has stalled a little this year, and I’ve noticed that my hips and hamstrings are especially tight.  I have still been practising but I’ve slacked off a bit.  So in 2018 I want to put more effort into regular yoga workouts and incorporating loads of flexibility training to allow myself to achieve a King Monkey Pose (or forward split) by the end of the year.

  • Learn colourwork knitting

It’s my dream to eventually learn how to make my own ugly Christmas sweaters.  But before I can do that, I need to learn how to do colourwork properly.  2018 will be the year of colourwork knitting for me.

  • 100 days of no spending

I’m trying hard to cut down my spending this year.  There are a lot of days when I will pop into the shops aimlessly during my lunch break or call into the supermarket on my way home without a clear idea of what I’m going to buy.  So this year I want to rack up 100 days where I don’t spend any money.  I think this goal will help me to cut down on those little “just because” purchases.

  • Publish one toy review per month

I have a stack of toys that are waiting to be reviewed.  I’d really like to get the ball rolling on more reviews and post one per month.

 

  • Catch up with one friend per month

I haven’t been terribly social this past year.  I realised towards Christmas that there are some people I adore that I didn’t see at all in 2017.  This year I want to make a huge effort to catch up with my friends more often, and arranging at least one friend-date per month will help with that.

 

So that’s my goals for 2018.  Cross your fingers and lend me your support as I work towards them.  And don’t forget to subscribe to my blog so that you don’t miss any of my adventures and reviews.

 

What are your resolutions for 2018?

Things I love Thursday 29/6/2017

 

I’ve had a bit of a down week.  Work has been insane and I’ve had trouble dealing with the stress and mayhem.  But I’ve gotten myself through by just trying to focus on the task at hand and not looking at the piles of files that are growing all around me.  I’ve also found it helpful to think about the little things that have made me happy this week.  Let me share some with you….

  • Discovering filters on my phone.  I’ve been playing around with my new phone and the camera has lots of fun filters to play with.  I particularly enjoy the ones that morph your face or let you play dress-ups.
  • My boyfriend.  It is so fantastic to find someone who just gets me.  He and I have such similar values and views of the world that we are not only on the same page, but on the same line.  He has been incredibly supportive this week, and I’m very lucky to have him in my life.
  • Sweet potato and pear soup.  You wouldn’t think that those two flavours would go together, but they do.
  • Glow.  I’m only two episodes in, but I’m loving the 80’s costuming and girl-power attitude.  I can’t wait to see where it goes from here.
  • Diamond Dogs by David Bowie and Gravity Won’t Get You High by The Grates. Both have been playing on repeat in my flat.

View this post on Instagram

Cuddle buds! #catstagram #cuddles #besties

A post shared by Nessbow (@nessbow64) on

  • Epic cuddles with Branson, my Dad’s cat.
  • The Big Fat Quiz of the Year.
  • Sunday morning texts from my bf’s mother to check in with me.
  • Knitting loads of hats for friends.
  • Seeing my parents joyfully planning holidays in their new caravan.  They both work so hard and it’s amazing to see them finally getting to go on a real adventure together.
  • Huge coats
  • Making myself into a burrito with my doona.
  • London Breakfast tea from T2
  • The tippy-tap sound my fingers make on the keyboard when I type quickly.
  • Chocolate soy ice cream with a dollop of peanut butter on top.

What do you love this week?

Things I Love Thursday 22/6/2017

This past month has flown by.  Since the beginning of June, I took a little holiday from work, caught up with loads of friends and celebrated my 31st birthday.  There have been so many things that I’ve felt proud of and grateful for.

This week I love:

  • My friends.  I got so many messages of love and celebration on my birthday and each one brought an ear-to-ear smile to my face.
  • Michael Jackson.  David and I watched This Is It together and it was amazing.  I am a huge Michael Jackson fan and it breaks my heart that he didn’t get to perform his final masterpiece at least once.  I found the rehearsal footage breathtaking, and it’s hard to imagine what the final show would have been like.
  • Putting my cupcake hat on Rupert, David’s cat.  He purred like a maniac and wore the hat for a full half hour before he fell asleep and it toppled off his head.
  • Poking around vintage markets on chilly afternoons.
  • Bean burritos
  • Vegan vanilla cupcakes that look like they were pooped out by a unicorn.
  • My new Mrs Doubtfire pin from my brother.  I am slowly building quite a collection of cute enamel pins, and this is the newest addition to my hoard.
  • Watching the Top 1000 Songs of the 80’s countdown on Foxtel and taking bets on what would be number 1. ( I lost.  I voted Thriller, which was edged out by Living on a Prayer)
  • Kate Lister’s website Whores of Yore.  Kate is a sexual historian who explores the history of sexual practices, language and culture.  Her website is fascinating and funny as well as highly educational.
  • My new heated throw blanket.
  • Watching my cats wriggle on the floor after their dinner each night.
  • The smells of winter mornings: wood smoke, frost and wet grass
  • Booja Booja chocolate salted caramel truffles.  And also the name Booja Booja, which is really fun to say.
  • Skins.  Various friends over the years have urged me to watch this show and I’ve never listened.  Now that I’ve started, I can see why they thought I would love it.
  • The Time Traveller’s Wife.  I’m not usually into romance stories, but this one is so clever and thought-provoking.  Dr Who fans who enjoy the romance between The Doctor and River Song should give this book a whirl.
  • Gloves

What do you love this fine Thursday?

Things I love Thursday 6/4/2017

It’s the first Thursday of April and it’s time for a Things I love Thursday post.  Pour yourself a cup of tea and relax while I share all the things that I’ve loved lately.

 

I love:

  • Celebrating my one-year anniversary with my beloved, David.  He is such an amazing person and he makes me feel so blessed. We have had an awesome year together and I can’t wait to see what adventures the future has in store for us.

  • Having Mr Ringo peer over my shoulder while I read.  He’s such a curious little dude.
  • The late emergence of Autumn weather.  The final week of March was almost unbearably humid and hot.  I honestly wondered if the weather was ever going to cool off.  But like clockwork, April brought a crisp morning wind and a chill to the air.  I’ve happily been rocking knits and socks, and I’ve had the perfect excuse to break out the slippers I was gifted months ago.

 

  • This Deadpool stuffie that David bought me for our anniversary. For our first date, we saw Deadpool and played the arcade machines at the cinema.  So now, Deadpool is kinda “our” movie.
  • Lush’s Ruby Red Slippers bubble bath bar.

  • Argyle vests
  • Putting the sleeves on a jumper I’m knitting for myself.  I”ve already finished one simple jumper for myself, thus completing my new years resolution of knitting an actual garment.  This time I’m working on something with more shaping and raglan sleeves.

 

  • This awesome Monsters Inc tee shirt I picked up for $7 at Uniqlo.  I have a few Uniqlo shirts now and they are such good quality.
  • The Good Dinosaur.  I finally got around to watching it and it made me cry so hard. And also laugh so hard.  And then cry again.  And laugh some more.  It was a yo-yo of emotions.

 

  • finding the final Sandman book to complete my extensive collection in the op shop for just one dollar.  It was a proud moment.
  • Project Runway.  I’ve become a tiny bit obsessed.

  • This room service pizza I got for dinner on our anniversary.  It was not vegan (it had goat’s cheese) but it was vegetarian. It had zucchini, pumpkin, pine nuts and leek. It was so amazingly good that I didn’t even care that I had a food baby for our anniversary-celebration-sexy-times.
  • Actual vegan recipes I’ve made these past few weeks, including an off-the-charts mushroom stroganoff and a mock-chicken and vegetable soup. I’m getting extremely good at this vegan cooking thing.

 

  • Finding a mega-cute heart hoop for my helix piercing.  I’m always on the lookout for unusual body jewellery and I really haven’t changed the stud in my helix since I got it pierced nearly eighteen months ago.  This heart was just the ticket, and it’s so comfortable.
  • Wood fire smoke
  • Being able to snuggle under layers of quilts without exploding from heat.

What do you love this week?

5 Fandom Friday: Galentines Day Gifts

I just love love.  And there are so many different types of love to celebrate. Romantic love sure is grand, but it’s not the only stripe on the rainbow of love.  There’s the love we feel for brothers and sisters, love for our community, love for our pets and love for our fandoms.  And most importantly, there’s the love we have for our friends.

I’d argue that platonic love is one of the thickest stripes on that rainbow.  Friends are like a family that we choose for ourselves.  They are the people that we select to surround ourselves with, to offer our support and to share our laughter.  I’m so chuffed that there is now a whole holiday celebrating friendship: Galentines Day.  Oh, you don’t know what Galentines Day is?  That’s ok. I’m gonna let my buddy Leslie explain…

Now, I know that Leslie likes to celebrate her lady friends on February 13th, and that’s rad.  But I like to do things a little differently. See, I have a lot of dude buddies as well as lady buddies, so I think that for me, Galentines Day is a celebration of all my friends, not just the lasses.

A huge part of Galentines Day is the gifts. You don’t have to be a Leslie-Knope-Level Gift Wizard to show your buddies you care this February 13th. Here are my top 5 picks for awesome-arse Galentines Day pressies.

Knitted socks

I enjoy making knitted goodies for the people I love the most.  And knitted socks are one of my favourite gifts.  There’s something super special about reaching into your drawer and pulling out a hand-knitted pair of sockies to warm up your chilly toes.  Knitted socks are like a hug for your feet, in a totally non-weird way.

2. Cookies

Yummy treats are the perfect way to show someone you care about them.  They’re delicious, they’re sweet and they take a bit of extra effort than a box of chocolates.  What’s even better than home-made cookies?  Making a batch and then inviting your friend over to enjoy them with a pot of tea and delightful conversation.

 

3. Comic books

Comics make a super rad gift because they’re inexpensive, they’re lightweight so they can be sent by post and they’re loads of fun.  Grab a few different titles and give them to a geeky mate to enjoy at their leisure. You might introduce them to a new favourite series and it gives them something quirky to enjoy with their morning coffee.

 

4. A massage voucher

So many of us struggle to make time to do things for ourselves.  How about giving your friend a chunk of time just for them?  Massage vouchers don’t have to be crazy expensive, many places will offer neck and shoulder massages for as little as $15.  Giving your mate that piece of paper gives them permission to take that moment for themselves and really enjoy a bit of pampering.

 

5. Your time

You don’t actually have to buy your friend anything to show them how much they mean to you.  These days I find it so difficult to make time to catch up with all my favourite people on a regular basis.  So when I do get a chance to hang out with a mate, it’s so precious.  If you want to make someone feel really special, I suggest making a date to hang out with them.  Whether you go out for a fancy meal, indulge in an activity or just have an old-fashioned gab-fest on your couch, giving them your undivided attention will show them how valuable they are to you.

 

What are your favourite Galentines Day gifts?  What would you like to receive from your besties this Galentines Day?