BDsM

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20 ways to work D/s play into your daily life

Most of us have pretty hectic schedules and full calendars.  When it comes to finding time for Dominance and submission play (or D/s), it’s sometimes easier to work a little play into every day rather than blocking out a whole evening for a full scene.

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Dominance and submission refers to a type of power exchange where one person takes on the role of Dominant or top, controlling the scene, creating rules for the submissive party and dishing out punishment.  The submissive or bottom follows the rules, giving up some or all of their power to the dominant.  Dominance and submission play is an extremely broad term that may incorporate elements of bondage, discipline, sadism, masochism, or roleplay.  Some people follow a D/s lifestyle, where their relationship permanently takes on these roles and the people in the relationship negotiate ways in which their everyday lives will operate based upon these roles.  Other people may engage in D/s as play only in the bedroom or on specific occasions.  People who enjoy temporary D/s play are more likely to switch roles, sometimes playing the dominant role and other times being more submissive.

 

If you’re interested in D/s play, you might be looking for some ideas to dip your toe into the water. Or perhaps you’re an experienced D/s player who is finding it difficult to make time for full play scenes, but still want to feel connected to your partner in a way that speaks to your power exchange dynamic.  Today I’ve got 20 ideas to get you started, some small ways that you can inject D/s into your everyday life.

*As always, negotiation is a vital part of any BDsM play.  Even with light, daily play, it’s still important to check in with your partner to discuss boundaries, limits and reactions.  Consent is the cornerstone of D/s play, so make sure that your partner is ok with any of the following actions or rules before implementing them.*

  1. The dominant partner chooses the submissive partner’s underwear for the day.  Knowing that your partner has selected the thing that’s closest to your skin is such a turn on.
  2. The dominant partner sends a text message to their submissive, demanding that they sneak into the nearest bathroom and take a sexy selfie for them.
  3. Wearable sex toys provide endless opportunities for daily play.  Requiring a submissive to wear kegel balls or a butt plug while they do household chores, or while out of the house reinforces power dynamics and is physically stimulating.
  4. Develop secret code names for each other to use in text messages or out aloud.  It can be anything that you feel comfortable with, but having a special name to call your partner that reinforces their position, such as Sir, Madam, little one or babygirl is both a term of endearment and a way to signal your dominance or submission discreetly.
  5. Make a rule that when dining together, the submissive partner is not allowed to begin eating until the dominant partner has begun their meal.
  6. Have the bottom serve food or drink to the top. The submissive partner should pour their dominant’s drink before their own.  When serving hot drinks, the handle should always be placed to face the dominant.  (you can find endless articles on D/s serving techniques which can be developed to suit your own tastes).
  7. Create a list of chores that the submissive partner has to complete, as well as a suitable punishment if chores are not completed satisfactorily.
  8. Jewellery can be used to signify submission and ownership.  Collars in the BDsM world often hold a similar significance to a wedding ring.  If you’re not ready for the commitment of collaring, you could try gifting the submissive partner with a necklace, anklet, ring or other piece of jewellery that they can wear regularly to remind them of their partner and their desire for submission.
  9. Make a rule that the submissive partner must ask the dominant’s permission before eating sweets or treats.
  10. When kissing your partner goodbye, gently but firmly hold under their jaw and tilt their head towards yours.
  11. Nothing beats pushing your partner against the wall for a passionate kiss, especially if you pin their wrists in place while doing so.
  12. Have your submissive groom you, helping you to wash in the shower, painting your nails or combing your hair.
  13. Provided the setting is warm and private, have the submissive partner strip naked or to their underwear while doing household chores.
  14. When watching television, the submissive partner could sit on the floor at their master’s feet.
  15. Foot rubs and massages are both relaxing for the dominant partner and a way for their submissive to show their service.
  16. Have a short morning or evening ritual, where the submissive says or texts good morning or good night to the dominant, so that they are the first thing they think of upon waking and the final thing they think of as they drift off to sleep at night.
  17. Have the submissive read erotic stories or poetry to the dominant partner.
  18. During sex or masturbation , the submissive partner must ask permission to climax.
  19. Allow the submissive to lay out the dominant’s clothes before work, or pack their lunch to show service and devotion.
  20. Together, write a mantra or vow that sums up your role in one another’s lives.  Each day, find a moment to reflect on this mantra, and carry it with you.

As you can see from this list, there are a lot of simple, everyday activities that can become a part of D/s play.  That is because Dominance and submission isn’t necessarily represented by specific acts, but by the mindset that accompanies them.  So for a lot of people, doing the dishes is a simple household chore that must be done each day.  But for me as a submissive, doing the dishes for my Sir is a way to serve him and show my love and respect for him.  With a bit of creativity and discussion, it’s easy to think of ways that you can weave Dominance and submission into your everyday life, just by adopting the mindset that “we are doing this as an expression of our dynamic”.

 

It is vital to note that there is no one specific way to incorporate D/s into your relationship.  Every relationship is different and so are the people within it.  People change with time and so the relationship has to be periodically revisited and revised to suit shifting circumstances.  There’s nothing wrong with wanting to just do the odd spot of D/s play, or switching roles as you see fit.  These small acts of D/s can be done as a one-off or developed into an ongoing set of rules or protocols for lifestyle D/s.  The most important thing is to communicate with your partner and ensure that everyone is happy and comfortable with the play you’re partaking in.

 

Do you incorporate Dominance and submission into your everyday life?  What are some other ways that you can weave D/s play into the day-to-day?

 

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DDlg World

I’m a huge fan of anything adorable and sweet.  When it comes to sex toys, I’m drawn to designs that are inspired by mythical creatures like fairies, unicorns and sea monsters.  I adore lingerie that’s lacy and ultra femme and BDsM accessories with a soft edge.  So I was thrilled when I discovered DDlg World, a store that caters to my sugar-coated tastes.

 

DDlg World has a huge range of sex toys, BDsM gear and accessories at excellent prices.  They have an impressive selection of glass wands in so many extraordinary textures, butt plugs with jewels and tails attached and adorable costumes to ignite your imagination.  Today I thought I’d show you some of my favourite things in the DDlg World store, and give you a peek at my personal wishlist.

This under-mattress restraint system just looks like so much fun.  I like the idea of having cuffs attached to my bed so that any time I felt like playing, I could just jump right into it without setting up spreader bars or points of attachment.  The cuffs look really soft and comfortable, and are faux fur.  Plus, you can easily tuck the cuffs away when they’re not in use, so nobody would know that your bedroom doubles as a dungeon!

 

I have a whole rainbow of dildo colours in my collection…but I don’t have a rainbow dildo!  This semi-realistic toy is 100% silicone and has a suction cup base for hands-free play. What fun!

 

I have a soft spot for glass toys, and the bumpy texture on this Pink Glass Heart Wand has my heart all a-flutter.  It has a slight curve which would make it great for g-spotting and glass is great for temperature play.

 

I’m a huge fan of wand-style vibrators, and I love the idea of the dial control on this Fairy Magic Wand.  I feel like having a dial would allow you to build the intensity of vibrations slowly, which would be awesome.

 

Not only does this cage harness look fierce, the O  ring at the throat acts as a point of attachment for bondage.  You could attach a leash and lead your sub around the room, or use the harness as a base for some beautiful shibari rope bondage.

 

This is just a taste of some of the goodies DDlg World has in store.  I definitely recommend taking a closer look at their shop if you’re interested in adorable BDsM gear or toys.  And if you see something that you like, you can use the code “nessbow” to get a 10% discount off your order.  I’ll be reviewing some of their toys in the future as well, so keep your eyes peeled for upcoming reviews.

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How to avoid topping from the bottom

“Topping from the Bottom” refers to an instance in a BDsM scene where the submissive partner, or bottom, seeks to control the scene.  It’s a frowned-upon practice in the BDsM community and a somewhat controversial topic.  Today I wanted to unpack the idea of “Topping from the Bottom” and discuss some of the things I’ve found help to avoid it.

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What does “Topping from the bottom” actually entail?

One of the reasons why it’s so difficult to discuss topping from the bottom is that there isn’t a universally agreed-upon definition of the kind of behaviour that it involves.  What some dominants consider acceptable, others will be angered by.  For example, some submissives indulge in “bratting” during a scene, where they refuse to do what their dominant orders until they are made to comply.  For some people, bratting is part of their dynamic, and having the dominant “make” them submit is an important aspect of play.  For other players, this type of behaviour is deeply disrespectful to the dominant.

 

So it’s difficult to say “X behaviour is topping from the bottom, while Y is not” because what is acceptable varies from person to person and scene to scene.  There are a range of practices that might be considered topping from the bottom depending on the circumstances.  But generally speaking, any instance where the submissive partner tries to manipulate play in a way that has not previously been agreed upon would constitute topping from the bottom.

 

Why does it matter so much?

Topping from the bottom is so frowned upon because it violates the power exchange that is the core of most BDsM scenes.  Usually, when a scene takes place, the submissive party gives up some of their power and control to the dominant, who promises to look after them and drive the scene.  For many dominants, when their submissive tops from the bottom, it can be seen as a declaration that they do not trust them.  It can also be extremely frustrating for a dominant who has carefully planned a scene to have it disrupted by a submissive saying “No, use the red flogger, not the black one”.  Planning and executing BDsM scenes is mentally and physically draining for a dominant, and it can feel like the submissive doesn’t appreciate that hard work and effort if they interrupt or manipulate the scene.   At it’s core though, topping from the bottom is seen to matter because it means that the submissive has failed to carry out their role in the scene.

 

So, how can we avoid topping from the bottom?

Clear and comprehensive negotiation is the best way to avoid topping from the bottom.  Negotiation is an important part of BDsM scenes, and there are a few things that should definitely be touched on to diffuse a situation that could give rise to topping from the bottom:

  • A lot of the time, when a submissive won’t submit or tries to manipulate a scene, it’s because they’re afraid.  They’re worried that they might get hurt or that their dominant will harm them in some way.  Discussing fears, phobias, triggers and limits is a vital part of negotiation and if the submissive party feels that they’ve been heard in this realm, they’re a lot more likely to be able to hand over the reigns to a Dom.
  • Sometimes, people have a very clear picture in their minds of how they want a scene to play out.  Perhaps they have a particular fantasy that they’re trying to recreate, which means that certain details have to be just so.  If you’re trying to do a fantasy role play scene, discussing these details and planning out how to achieve them beforehand can help.
  • Set out rules and limits that all parties agree upon as to what is acceptable during play.  For example, if you know that you like to be a bit of a brat during a scene, speak up and decide if this is ok.   Whatever works for you, just make sure that you’ve set out the rules for the scene clearly before you begin.
  • Finally, agree on a safeword or signal and decide what will happen if the safeword is called.  Many submissives will have one safeword that means “Slow down and check in” and another that means “Stop right this second”.  Both parties should commit to following the rules you set out for safewords.

– Trust is another important factor in BDsM in general, but it is a huge component in avoiding topping from the bottom. When a submissive feels secure in their relationship with the dominant, and they are confident of their top’s abilities, it’s so much easier to put themselves in that person’s hands:

  • Build up scenes slowly over time.  Don’t leap right into a suspension rope scene or heavy impact play with a new partner.  Start with something simple, a light spanking scene or some scarf bondage and build up to the heavy stuff.  Each time you navigate a new scene or type of play with your partner, your trust in them will grow.  Start out with play that involves a small exchange of power, and work towards the big, complicated power dynamics as your trust grows.
  • Talk about your individual skills and abilities, and don’t commit to doing scenes that are beyond your comfort or skill level.
  • Debrief after the scene is over.  Once everyone is feeling calm and you’ve done your aftercare, have a conversation about how things went, what was good and what could be better next time.

There is a lot of introspective work that goes into BDsM.  A huge amount of time goes into soul searching and self evaluation

  • Be very honest with yourself about your personal limits and desires.  And then be unwavering on your limits when negotiating a scene.  Don’t agree to participate in play that you aren’t comfortable with.  That way, you won’t be put in a situation where you’re afraid and anxious and trying to manipulate play to protect your ego.
  • Commit to your role in the scene. If you’re in the submissive role, your job is to submit.  Even if you’re a brat or you resist, your ultimate role is to submit and do as you’re told.  And if you don’t want to do that…then maybe BDsM play isn’t for you. Or maybe you’d be better off in the dominant role.
  • If you’re a submissive, it’s very normal to experience resistance to submission.  Even when I trust my partner and I’ve given my full consent, I still experience moments where Sir will tell me to do something and I hesitate.  In these moments I’ve learned to have a quiet word with myself, to remind myself that I trust my partner and that He has a plan for the scene.  I remember that He knows what He’s doing and that Sir would never harm me.  Reminding myself of those facts helps me to relax and give myself over when anxiety or fear creep in during a scene.
  • Manage your own expectations.  This is particularly important if you’re doing a fantasy role play, because fantasies rarely translate perfectly into reality.  When you let go of the need for the scene to go exactly the way you pictured in your head, it makes it easier to resist the urge to micromanage it.

Topping from the bottom is a very tricky topic to discuss, because it can mean many things to different people.  But ultimately it’s about a submissive who is either unwilling or unable to surrender and submit.  And I believe that honest communication and slow building of trust will go a long way to allowing that submissive to let go and hand control over to their dominant.  It’s not easy to submit, but once you’ve established that safety and trust, it’s so much easier to release your grip and just enjoy the ride.

 

Do you have any tips on how to avoid topping from the bottom?  Or any questions about BDsM scenes and negotiation? If you do, please leave a comment below.

 

 

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My BDsM aftercare kit

Aftercare is one of the lesser-known aspects of BDsM.  It refers to the kind of care or treatment that a person needs after a BDsM scene to help them to relax and come back down to earth.  BDsM can be an intense physical and emotional experience, and endorphins and adrenaline can run amok in your body during a scene.  Afterwards, your brain chemistry begins to return to normal which can be a jarring experience.  Aftercare is a way to ease yourself and your play partner back into reality to avoid a sudden drop.

Depending on the type of play that you’ve engaged in, aftercare may also involve first aid treatment, such as cleaning wounds, dressing bruises and tending to sore muscles.

The type of care each person requires after a BDsM scene will vary from person to person.  Some people require a lot of aftercare, some need little or none at all.  Some people want their partner to be involved in their aftercare, others prefer to be left alone.  While a lot of articles about aftercare focus on the needs of the submissive, it’s important to note that dominants or tops may also require aftercare when a scene has ended.

I’m a submissive, which means that I’m the person who is on the “bottom” during a scene.  I like to be dominated by my partner and enjoy serving Him.  I engage in a number of different types of play, including bondage, impact play, service submission and sensory deprivation.  I’m a monogamous BDsM player, which means that I play exclusively with one person, my Sir.  Currently my partner and I live far away from one another, so I regularly travel to be with him.

When I’m at home, I have all the things I need for my preferred aftercare routines at my fingertips.  However, if I’m away from home at my Sir’s house or a hotel or a party, I may not always have access to the things I need to help myself calm down after a scene is over.  So I came up with the idea of creating a small aftercare kit.  This kit is little enough to throw into my bag when I travel, and has a few vital items which myself or Sir can use to end a play session.  Want to take a look in my aftercare kit?  Here we go……

What’s in my Aftercare kit?

  1. Warm socks

It’s common to feel cold after a play session.  When you’re in the thick of a scene, adrenaline makes you less sensitive to temperature and you don’t always notice when you’re chilly.  Often, I play in the nude or in underwear, and even when the room is warm I feel chilled when the scene is over.  Plus, the rush of endorphins leaving your body can lead to shivers.  At home I like to have a warm blanket to cuddle up in, as well as some comfortable clothes to pull on.  I made these socks myself and they are super soft and keep my toes so warm.  They are really comforting to put on when I’m coming down after a play session.

2. Teabags

A steaming cup of tea can really help you to warm up if you’ve gotten chilly, as well as being comforting and relaxing.  I always make sure that I have a few varieties of tea, and enough teabags so that my Dom and I can enjoy a cup together.  There’s something very soothing about wrapping your hands around a hot mug of tea.  It’s also nice to have something to sip on while you debrief with your partner, discussing what aspects of play you enjoyed, any emotions that bubbled up, and things that pushed your boundaries.

3. Lollies and dried fruit

My blood sugar usually drops after an intense scene, and I can feel fuzzy-headed and vague when the adrenaline starts to drain away.  Having something sweet on hand like dried fruit or candy is great for a quick sugar hit.  I prefer these small packets which I can munch on right after I play, and then I will usually have a proper meal once I’ve calmed down.

4. Bubble Bath

Another great way to warm up after play is to take a relaxing bath.  The hot water also feels wonderful on sore muscles if you’ve been tied up for a while or if you’ve been paddled or spanked.  If I feel like being alone after a scene, my Sir will run me a bath and then leave me to soak for a while so that I can gather my thoughts and relax.  Or if I want company He can sit on the edge of the tub and chat to me while I wash.

5.  Lotion

Affectionate touch is a really important part of my aftercare. It helps me to relax, brings me back into my body and reassures me that I am loved and cherished.  Having a partner rub lotion over your sore spots or massage you after play is a wonderful way to relax.  It also fosters a great sense of connection between you and your partner and helps you both to unwind.

6. Scented candle

I find scent very soothing and it’s always nice to have something that smells lovely nearby.  I prefer sweet, fruity scents and this pomegranate candle in a tin is ideal.  I can light it while I’m bathing or while Sir and I are drinking our tea.

These are just a few essentials that I carry with me to ensure that I can get the aftercare I need when playtime is over.  Like I said, every person is different and aftercare needs vary widely.  But knowing what kind of care you like after a scene and preparing for that with a small kit of helpful items is a great way to make sure that you are able to relax after BDsM exploration and get the most our of your play.

What items do you think you’d put in your aftercare kit?

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M is for Masochism

This is part 4. of my ABC’s of BDsM series.  In each post, I will break down one letter of the BDsM acronym to delve deeper into what practices and preferences make up the world of BDsM.  This is by no means a definitive discussion of BDsM, but is rather intended to be a primer for interested beginners.

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M is for Masochism

Masochism is when a person derives pleasure or enjoyment from pain. This pain may be physical, emotional or psychological.  Masochism is the flipside of the S/m coin, the opposite of sadism. Even though these two practices are opposite and complimentary, that doesn’t mean that a single person can’t enjoy both masochism and sadism.  There are lots of people who enjoy both halves of the S & M pie, but usually they tend to prefer one over the other.

Masochism may show it’s face in a huge range of BDsM scenes.  It often goes hand-in-hand with bondage and discipline, as well as other types of play including:

  • Impact play, where the submissive party is hit or struck with paddles, floggers, hands, canes, whips, crops and a variety of other impact tools.
  • Humiliation play, where the submissive party is forced to dress in clothing that they find embarrassing, may be called names or is made to perform actions that they find degrading.
  • Play piercing, where needles are inserted into the top layers of skin.
  • Primal play such as chasing, biting and scratching.
  • Torture play, in which the submissive is subjected to physical torture, often while bound. This may include breast and nipple torture and cock and ball torture.
  • Hair pulling
  • Breath play, where the submissive is choked or smothered
  • Erotic trampling, where the bottom is stepped and trodden on.
  • Forniphilia, or human furniture.  Submissives may be required to act as tables, footstools or other furniture.
  • Medical play scenes.
  • Electro-sex play, through the use of a violet wand or tens unit.
  • Fire and ice play, including scenes involving fire wands, wax and ice cubes.

To a person who has not explored the world of BDsM, or who cringes at the idea of being in any kind of pain, the thought of intentionally submitting to painful treatment may seem absurd.  Why on earth would anybody want to subject themselves to such play, and how could you possibly enjoy it?  The reasons why masochism is so thrilling are as varied as the people who practice it.  Some of the most common reasons for exploring masochistic tendencies may include:

  • Feeling a rush or natural high from pain.  Pain triggers the release of endorphins in the body, which in turn may cause feelings of euphoria, relaxation and pleasure.
  • Wanting to explore physical and emotional limits. Some masochists liken their practice to endurance running or weightlifting, in that they are fascinated to see how much their body can take and explore and expand limitations.
  • A desire to own one’s pain and learn to cope with it.
  • Enjoying being at the mercy of another person.
  • Wanting to expand trust in a relationship.
  • Getting a thrill from intense sensation.
  • Using intense sensations such as impact, heat or pain to stimulate certain parts of the body, making them more sensitive to gentle touch later on.

I very firmly identify as a masochist.  I find pain erotic and I’ve definitely experienced that natural high after being flogged, spanked or tortured. I also enjoy pushing my personal limits to see how much I can withstand.  In this way, I find things like impact play or wax play almost meditative. Although they do hurt, I try to relax into the sensations, noting them and breathing through the pain until I get to that place of bliss beyond.  I liken it to running and yoga, both things that I enjoy immensely.  With all of these things, to get to the benefits and euphoria, you have to first push through a barrier of pain and resistance.

 

It’s extremely important to note that not all pain will trigger a pleasurable response in a person with masochistic tendencies.  I don’t feel sexy after stubbing my toe or being humiliated by a stranger in public.  As with any BDsM play, it’s vital that the activity is safe, sane and consensual.  The pain should be inflicted in a controlled environment, after lengthy negotiations about needs, wants and limitations. It’s extremely important that both parties trust one another so that both feel safe to explore and enjoy themselves.  It’s also vital that play progresses gradually.  With things like impact play, you can’t just start flogging the living daylights out of a submissive.  You have to warm up with gentle taps, slowly ramping up the intensity.  Proper preparation makes it a lot more likely that you will both enjoy your scene, and increases the chances that you’ll want to do it again.

As well as proper preparation before a scene, aftercare is especially vital in scenes that explore masochism. Pain can bring up all sorts of emotional stickiness, and you need to be prepared to devote the time needed to work through those feelings if they happen to bubble to the surface. The rush of endorphins and adrenaline involved with pain and fear can result in an emotional crash called Subdrop when those chemicals subside.  Subdrop is a fascinating and important topic, and one that I will talk about more in future posts.  Proper aftercare can help bring the submissive back to earth and limit the impact of drop.  Additionally, physical aftercare, such as tending to bruises and cuts, helps to make sure that the bottom is healthy and happy.  Aftercare is really important to foster trust between play partners and reassure everyone involved that they are loved, respected and cared for.

 

Masochism is a fascinating practice, and one that shows up in a variety of different BDsM scenes.  It can be a gateway to pleasure and freedom for some, even though it might seem scary to others.

Fascinated by masochism? You might like to read the other posts in this series”

I hope that you’ve enjoyed reading my ABC’s of BDsM. If any of these posts have raised any questions for you, or if there is anything you’d like to learn more about, please feel free to get in touch.

 

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S is for Sadism

This is part 3. of my ABC’s of BDsM series.  In each post, I will break down one letter of the BDsM acronym to delve deeper into what practices and preferences make up the world of BDsM.  This is by no means a definitive discussion of BDsM, but is rather intended to be a primer for interested beginners.

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S is for Sadism

Sadism refers to the practice of deriving pleasure from inflicting pain, discomfort and humiliation upon another person.  In the BDsM context, it often involves a consensual exchange of power in which the Dominant partner inflicts pain upon the submissive partner.  Sadism is a strong feature in many aspects of BDsM play, including:

  • Impact play, such as spanking, caning, whipping or flogging.
  • Wax play, where hot wax is dripped onto the skin of a submissive partner
  • Humiliation play, where the submissive party is required to perform actions that they find degrading, wear clothing that embarrasses them or is subjected to ridicule.
  • Knife play
  • Electro-sex, where a violet wand or tens unit is used to inflict electrical shocks, currents and sensations.
  • Bondage scenes where the submissive partner is restrained in an uncomfortable or unflattering position.
  • Torture scenes, which may include breast torture, cock and ball torture or bastinado (foot torture).
  • Role play scenes that are intended to induce fear in the submissive party.

While a lot of these types of play may seem frightening and worrisome to a person who is unfamiliar with BDsM, the fact is that in practice they are carefully planned and controlled.  Although physical and psychological pain are large components of scenes that involve Sadism, most sexual sadist aren’t bullies or meanies.  There are a number of different reasons that a person may be excited by sexual sadism, for example:

  • Enjoying the physical sensation of wielding the tools of the trade, such as floggers, whips and paddles.
  • Relishing the feeling of control and dominance over another person.
  • Being aroused or excited by the reactions of the submissive partner
  • Performing a service for the submissive, by fulfilling their desires and helping them to face their fears and fantasies.
  • Enjoyment in the planning of a scene or the polishing of skills such as whipping or torture.
  • Fascination in the operation of the body, in seeing how the body responds to certain treatment and pain.
  • Feeling a sense of joy or pleasure at earning the trust of a submissive party.

The topic of Sadism is one that I’ve found elicits strong responses in people who are not familiar with the world and practice of BDsM.  And I can see why.  From the outside, the idea of a person who enjoys hurting others can be very frightening. The image our minds conjures up when we talk about torture and humiliation is that of a villain or a bully. But in the real-life practice of BDsM, this often couldn’t be further from the truth.  Many people who practice sexual sadism are caring, loving individuals.  Some of the sweetest people I’ve ever met have sadistic tendencies in the bedroom.  As with any of the other practices in BDsM, there are a number of special considerations that must be undertaken to ensure that the scene you are partaking in is safe, sane and consensual:

  • Long before any play begins, the parties involved should take the time to have an open and frank discussion about personal limits and set specific guidelines for how the scene should progress.
  • The submissive party should disclose any medical conditions or injuries.
  • Safewords should be employed in situations where sadism play is taking place.  A safeword is a word or phrase that, when uttered, brings the action to a halt.
  • The dominant party should be aware of their own personal skill level and limitations and operate within those boundaries.
  • Before participating in impact play, learn the parts of the body that are safe to hit, and those which must be avoided.
  • Make sure that all equipment used, such as floggers or paddles, needles, sex toys or gags, are clean and in working order.
  • Do your research.  Read books, watch videos and visit blogs that deal with the particular type of play you are interested in.  Practice your skills and hone your knowledge before attempting a new type of play.
  • Build up trust and intimacy slowly.  S&M play requires a huge amount of trust between the parties involved, and this can only be built over time.  I don’t recommend engaging in S&M with someone you don’t know well enough to be sure that you can trust them.
  • Never participate in sexual sadism if you are under the influence of alcohol or drugs.  If your judgement is impaired, you could wind up badly hurting your submissive.
  • Ensure that you have first aid supplies at hand in case something goes wrong.  Bruises, cuts and scrapes do happen sometimes even in the most carefully planned scene.
  • Aftercare is vitally important in scenes that involve pain or humiliation. Both the dominant and submissive parties need time to come down after a scene, tend to their bodies and minds and debrief.

As you can see, sadism isn’t all about torture and trials, it’s about creativity, curiosity, nurturing and fascination. It’s about eliciting a response and exploring our limits and skills. People who identify as sexual sadists aren’t necessarily horrible or cruel, and most are fantastically caring and kind.  As with all aspects of BDsM, there is a level of danger involved in indulging one’s sadistic urges, but with proper planning and care, they can be explored safely and with great success.

 

In my final chapter of The ABC’s of BDsM, I’ll be talking about the flipside of the S&M coin: Masochism.

If you enjoyed this chapter, you may enjoy my previous posts:

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D is for Discipline

This is part 2. of my ABC’s of BDsM series.  In each post, I will break down one letter of the BDsM acronym to delve deeper into what practices and preferences make up the world of BDsM.  This is by no means a definitive discussion of BDsM, but is rather intended to be a primer for interested beginners.

DSCF8568D is for Discipline

Discipline refers to the use of rules to control behaviour and the consequences that may arise as a result of breaking these rules.  In a BDsM context, discipline usually involves some form of power exchange between a dominant party (the person imposing the rules and doling out punishment) and a submissive party (the person adhering to the restrictions).

 

Discipline appears in the BDsM world in countless ways.  It may be applied to a short-lived scene, or employed over a long period of time by people participating in Dominant/submissive relationships.  The ways in which discipline is carried out varies widely across situations, but some of the more common uses of discipline include:

  • “Punishment” role play scenes between an authority figure and a submissive party such as a teacher and a student.
  • Rules or contracts between partners in long-term relationships to prune bad habits and foster beneficial behaviour.
  • Protocol.  Protocol is a huge topic all of it’s own, but it essentially boils down to codes of conduct for submissives, such as the correct way to sit, stand, kneel, serve drinks and perform other tasks.  It is similar to etiquette and is usually employed either at home or at specific BDsM events.
  • Orgasm control, where a submissive party is only permitted to orgasm with the permission of their dominant.
  • Chastity play, where the submissive party is forbidden to engage in sexual contact with another person or to touch themselves sexually.  This may involve the use of chastity devices.
  • Training as part of pet play, slave training or service submission training.

Discipline overlaps heavily with the other aspects of BDsM, particularly sadism and masochism.  I will talk more about these aspects in future posts.  It is often the case that a sadistic dominant will impose difficult or impossible rules as an excuse to inflict pain or punishment upon their submissive.  Discipline also plays a role in many common bondage scenes, and bondage may be used as a punishment when rules are broken.

Discipline commonly comes into play with couples who have a long term Dominant/submissive relationship or power exchange.  In these types of relationship, the dominant party will set rules and standards of expected behaviour for the submissive.  These rules will sometimes be put in place purely for the pleasure of the dominant, and may include restrictions on how the submissive may dress, how they will address the dominant, where they will sleep and tasks they must perform for the dominant.  Other rules may be set in place to assist the submissive to learn a new skill or break a habit.

Consequences for breaking rules vary from mild to extreme depending on the type of relationship and the desires of the parties involved.  Some common punishments include:

  • Spanking, whipping or flogging
  • bondage or restrictions of movement
  • humiliation
  • being made to sit in a corner
  • writing lines
  • forced orgasm
  • Performing unpleasant chores such as washing the bathroom tiles with a toothbrush
  • An apology.

There is a difference between punishments for play and punishments for behavioural training.  In a play scene, punishments like spankings or bondage are more likely to be used, because these are things that the submissive party will find enjoyable.  In the case where a dominant is training a submissive, punishments are more likely to be unpleasant, because they are intended to be something that the submissive will wish to avoid.

Why do people enjoy discipline?  Well, as I mentioned earlier, discipline fits very neatly with sadism and masochism, two of the other branches of BDsM.  Discipline is a perfect pretext for punishments such as canings and spankings, as well as humiliation play.  Discipline is a wonderful tool for learning and improving the self.  Many people enjoy controlling the behaviour of others or being controlled and following orders.  Some find it freeing to have a set of rules in place, so have someone else make those choices for them and to know that all they have to do it follow the rules.  The desire to please is a strong part of the pull towards discipline, whether that means being proud of your own achievements or earning praise from your master or dominant.

As with any BDsM play or practice, discipline should be carried out in a safe, sane and consensual way.  Some specific considerations include the following:

  • Rules and punishments should always be carefully negotiated. Both parties should discuss the reasons for a rule and any objections should be talked through.
  • Rule sheets and contracts should be reviewed from time to time. I know many people in D/s relationships who have a set date every month to review their rules and discuss what is working, what is not, remove rules that have become obsolete and add new rules.
  • It may be worthwhile giving each new rule a trial period before it becomes a part of your formal rule agreement (if you have one).  This helps to identify any practical issues that may not become immediately obvious.
  • Don’t try to add too many rules at once.  This can become overwhelming and untenable.
  • Punishments should be unpleasant, but they should never injure or traumatize a submissive.
  • Don’t make rules that will negatively impinge upon employment, family commitments or personal health.
  • Communicate.  Often, openly and honestly.

Discipline is a huge topic, and not one that I can cover in a single blog post.  If there are any specific questions you have, please feel free to get in touch with me and I will attempt to answer them in future posts.

Next time, I’ll be delving into the practice of Sadism.

 

If you enjoyed this post, you may like to check out the other posts in this series: