This is part 4. of my ABC’s of BDsM series.  In each post, I will break down one letter of the BDsM acronym to delve deeper into what practices and preferences make up the world of BDsM.  This is by no means a definitive discussion of BDsM, but is rather intended to be a primer for interested beginners.

M is for Masochism

Masochism is when a person derives pleasure or enjoyment from pain. This pain may be physical, emotional or psychological.  Masochism is the flipside of the S/m coin, the opposite of sadism. Even though these two practices are opposite and complimentary, that doesn’t mean that a single person can’t enjoy both masochism and sadism.  There are lots of people who enjoy both halves of the S & M pie, but usually they tend to prefer one over the other.

Masochism may show it’s face in a huge range of BDsM scenes.  It often goes hand-in-hand with bondage and discipline, as well as other types of play including:

• Impact play, where the submissive party is hit or struck with paddles, floggers, hands, canes, whips, crops and a variety of other impact tools.
• Humiliation play, where the submissive party is forced to dress in clothing that they find embarrassing, may be called names or is made to perform actions that they find degrading.
• Play piercing, where needles are inserted into the top layers of skin.
• Primal play such as chasing, biting and scratching.
• Torture play, in which the submissive is subjected to physical torture, often while bound. This may include breast and nipple torture and cock and ball torture.
• Hair pulling
• Breath play, where the submissive is choked or smothered
• Erotic trampling, where the bottom is stepped and trodden on.
• Forniphilia, or human furniture.  Submissives may be required to act as tables, footstools or other furniture.
• Medical play scenes.
• Electro-sex play, through the use of a violet wand or tens unit.
• Fire and ice play, including scenes involving fire wands, wax and ice cubes.

To a person who has not explored the world of BDsM, or who cringes at the idea of being in any kind of pain, the thought of intentionally submitting to painful treatment may seem absurd.  Why on earth would anybody want to subject themselves to such play, and how could you possibly enjoy it?  The reasons why masochism is so thrilling are as varied as the people who practice it.  Some of the most common reasons for exploring masochistic tendencies may include:

• Feeling a rush or natural high from pain.  Pain triggers the release of endorphins in the body, which in turn may cause feelings of euphoria, relaxation and pleasure.
• Wanting to explore physical and emotional limits. Some masochists liken their practice to endurance running or weightlifting, in that they are fascinated to see how much their body can take and explore and expand limitations.
• A desire to own one’s pain and learn to cope with it.
• Enjoying being at the mercy of another person.
• Wanting to expand trust in a relationship.
• Getting a thrill from intense sensation.
• Using intense sensations such as impact, heat or pain to stimulate certain parts of the body, making them more sensitive to gentle touch later on.

I very firmly identify as a masochist.  I find pain erotic and I’ve definitely experienced that natural high after being flogged, spanked or tortured. I also enjoy pushing my personal limits to see how much I can withstand.  In this way, I find things like impact play or wax play almost meditative. Although they do hurt, I try to relax into the sensations, noting them and breathing through the pain until I get to that place of bliss beyond.  I liken it to running and yoga, both things that I enjoy immensely.  With all of these things, to get to the benefits and euphoria, you have to first push through a barrier of pain and resistance.

It’s extremely important to note that not all pain will trigger a pleasurable response in a person with masochistic tendencies.  I don’t feel sexy after stubbing my toe or being humiliated by a stranger in public.  As with any BDsM play, it’s vital that the activity is safe, sane and consensual.  The pain should be inflicted in a controlled environment, after lengthy negotiations about needs, wants and limitations. It’s extremely important that both parties trust one another so that both feel safe to explore and enjoy themselves.  It’s also vital that play progresses gradually.  With things like impact play, you can’t just start flogging the living daylights out of a submissive.  You have to warm up with gentle taps, slowly ramping up the intensity.  Proper preparation makes it a lot more likely that you will both enjoy your scene, and increases the chances that you’ll want to do it again.

As well as proper preparation before a scene, aftercare is especially vital in scenes that explore masochism. Pain can bring up all sorts of emotional stickiness, and you need to be prepared to devote the time needed to work through those feelings if they happen to bubble to the surface. The rush of endorphins and adrenaline involved with pain and fear can result in an emotional crash called Subdrop when those chemicals subside.  Subdrop is a fascinating and important topic, and one that I will talk about more in future posts.  Proper aftercare can help bring the submissive back to earth and limit the impact of drop.  Additionally, physical aftercare, such as tending to bruises and cuts, helps to make sure that the bottom is healthy and happy.  Aftercare is really important to foster trust between play partners and reassure everyone involved that they are loved, respected and cared for.

Masochism is a fascinating practice, and one that shows up in a variety of different BDsM scenes.  It can be a gateway to pleasure and freedom for some, even though it might seem scary to others.

Fascinated by masochism? You might like to read the other posts in this series”

• B is for Bondage
• D is for Discipline
• S is for Sadism

I hope that you’ve enjoyed reading my ABC’s of BDsM. If any of these posts have raised any questions for you, or if there is anything you’d like to learn more about, please feel free to get in touch.

This is part 3. of my ABC’s of BDsM series.  In each post, I will break down one letter of the BDsM acronym to delve deeper into what practices and preferences make up the world of BDsM.  This is by no means a definitive discussion of BDsM, but is rather intended to be a primer for interested beginners.

S is for Sadism

Sadism refers to the practice of deriving pleasure from inflicting pain, discomfort and humiliation upon another person.  In the BDsM context, it often involves a consensual exchange of power in which the Dominant partner inflicts pain upon the submissive partner.  Sadism is a strong feature in many aspects of BDsM play, including:

• Impact play, such as spanking, caning, whipping or flogging.
• Wax play, where hot wax is dripped onto the skin of a submissive partner
• Humiliation play, where the submissive party is required to perform actions that they find degrading, wear clothing that embarrasses them or is subjected to ridicule.
• Knife play
• Electro-sex, where a violet wand or tens unit is used to inflict electrical shocks, currents and sensations.
• Bondage scenes where the submissive partner is restrained in an uncomfortable or unflattering position.
• Torture scenes, which may include breast torture, cock and ball torture or bastinado (foot torture).
• Role play scenes that are intended to induce fear in the submissive party.

While a lot of these types of play may seem frightening and worrisome to a person who is unfamiliar with BDsM, the fact is that in practice they are carefully planned and controlled.  Although physical and psychological pain are large components of scenes that involve Sadism, most sexual sadist aren’t bullies or meanies.  There are a number of different reasons that a person may be excited by sexual sadism, for example:

• Enjoying the physical sensation of wielding the tools of the trade, such as floggers, whips and paddles.
• Relishing the feeling of control and dominance over another person.
• Being aroused or excited by the reactions of the submissive partner
• Performing a service for the submissive, by fulfilling their desires and helping them to face their fears and fantasies.
• Enjoyment in the planning of a scene or the polishing of skills such as whipping or torture.
• Fascination in the operation of the body, in seeing how the body responds to certain treatment and pain.
• Feeling a sense of joy or pleasure at earning the trust of a submissive party.

The topic of Sadism is one that I’ve found elicits strong responses in people who are not familiar with the world and practice of BDsM.  And I can see why.  From the outside, the idea of a person who enjoys hurting others can be very frightening. The image our minds conjures up when we talk about torture and humiliation is that of a villain or a bully. But in the real-life practice of BDsM, this often couldn’t be further from the truth.  Many people who practice sexual sadism are caring, loving individuals.  Some of the sweetest people I’ve ever met have sadistic tendencies in the bedroom.  As with any of the other practices in BDsM, there are a number of special considerations that must be undertaken to ensure that the scene you are partaking in is safe, sane and consensual:

• Long before any play begins, the parties involved should take the time to have an open and frank discussion about personal limits and set specific guidelines for how the scene should progress.
• The submissive party should disclose any medical conditions or injuries.
• Safewords should be employed in situations where sadism play is taking place.  A safeword is a word or phrase that, when uttered, brings the action to a halt.
• The dominant party should be aware of their own personal skill level and limitations and operate within those boundaries.
• Before participating in impact play, learn the parts of the body that are safe to hit, and those which must be avoided.
• Make sure that all equipment used, such as floggers or paddles, needles, sex toys or gags, are clean and in working order.
• Do your research.  Read books, watch videos and visit blogs that deal with the particular type of play you are interested in.  Practice your skills and hone your knowledge before attempting a new type of play.
• Build up trust and intimacy slowly.  S&M play requires a huge amount of trust between the parties involved, and this can only be built over time.  I don’t recommend engaging in S&M with someone you don’t know well enough to be sure that you can trust them.
• Never participate in sexual sadism if you are under the influence of alcohol or drugs.  If your judgement is impaired, you could wind up badly hurting your submissive.
• Ensure that you have first aid supplies at hand in case something goes wrong.  Bruises, cuts and scrapes do happen sometimes even in the most carefully planned scene.
• Aftercare is vitally important in scenes that involve pain or humiliation. Both the dominant and submissive parties need time to come down after a scene, tend to their bodies and minds and debrief.

As you can see, sadism isn’t all about torture and trials, it’s about creativity, curiosity, nurturing and fascination. It’s about eliciting a response and exploring our limits and skills. People who identify as sexual sadists aren’t necessarily horrible or cruel, and most are fantastically caring and kind.  As with all aspects of BDsM, there is a level of danger involved in indulging one’s sadistic urges, but with proper planning and care, they can be explored safely and with great success.

In my final chapter of The ABC’s of BDsM, I’ll be talking about the flipside of the S&M coin: Masochism.

If you enjoyed this chapter, you may enjoy my previous posts:

• B is for Bondage
• D is for Discipline.

This is part 2. of my ABC’s of BDsM series.  In each post, I will break down one letter of the BDsM acronym to delve deeper into what practices and preferences make up the world of BDsM.  This is by no means a definitive discussion of BDsM, but is rather intended to be a primer for interested beginners.

D is for Discipline

Discipline refers to the use of rules to control behaviour and the consequences that may arise as a result of breaking these rules.  In a BDsM context, discipline usually involves some form of power exchange between a dominant party (the person imposing the rules and doling out punishment) and a submissive party (the person adhering to the restrictions).

Discipline appears in the BDsM world in countless ways.  It may be applied to a short-lived scene, or employed over a long period of time by people participating in Dominant/submissive relationships.  The ways in which discipline is carried out varies widely across situations, but some of the more common uses of discipline include:

• “Punishment” role play scenes between an authority figure and a submissive party such as a teacher and a student.
• Rules or contracts between partners in long-term relationships to prune bad habits and foster beneficial behaviour.
• Protocol.  Protocol is a huge topic all of it’s own, but it essentially boils down to codes of conduct for submissives, such as the correct way to sit, stand, kneel, serve drinks and perform other tasks.  It is similar to etiquette and is usually employed either at home or at specific BDsM events.
• Orgasm control, where a submissive party is only permitted to orgasm with the permission of their dominant.
• Chastity play, where the submissive party is forbidden to engage in sexual contact with another person or to touch themselves sexually.  This may involve the use of chastity devices.
• Training as part of pet play, slave training or service submission training.

Discipline overlaps heavily with the other aspects of BDsM, particularly sadism and masochism.  I will talk more about these aspects in future posts.  It is often the case that a sadistic dominant will impose difficult or impossible rules as an excuse to inflict pain or punishment upon their submissive.  Discipline also plays a role in many common bondage scenes, and bondage may be used as a punishment when rules are broken.

Discipline commonly comes into play with couples who have a long term Dominant/submissive relationship or power exchange.  In these types of relationship, the dominant party will set rules and standards of expected behaviour for the submissive.  These rules will sometimes be put in place purely for the pleasure of the dominant, and may include restrictions on how the submissive may dress, how they will address the dominant, where they will sleep and tasks they must perform for the dominant.  Other rules may be set in place to assist the submissive to learn a new skill or break a habit.

Consequences for breaking rules vary from mild to extreme depending on the type of relationship and the desires of the parties involved.  Some common punishments include:

• Spanking, whipping or flogging
• bondage or restrictions of movement
• humiliation
• being made to sit in a corner
• writing lines
• forced orgasm
• Performing unpleasant chores such as washing the bathroom tiles with a toothbrush
• An apology.

There is a difference between punishments for play and punishments for behavioural training.  In a play scene, punishments like spankings or bondage are more likely to be used, because these are things that the submissive party will find enjoyable.  In the case where a dominant is training a submissive, punishments are more likely to be unpleasant, because they are intended to be something that the submissive will wish to avoid.

Why do people enjoy discipline?  Well, as I mentioned earlier, discipline fits very neatly with sadism and masochism, two of the other branches of BDsM.  Discipline is a perfect pretext for punishments such as canings and spankings, as well as humiliation play.  Discipline is a wonderful tool for learning and improving the self.  Many people enjoy controlling the behaviour of others or being controlled and following orders.  Some find it freeing to have a set of rules in place, so have someone else make those choices for them and to know that all they have to do it follow the rules.  The desire to please is a strong part of the pull towards discipline, whether that means being proud of your own achievements or earning praise from your master or dominant.

As with any BDsM play or practice, discipline should be carried out in a safe, sane and consensual way.  Some specific considerations include the following:

• Rules and punishments should always be carefully negotiated. Both parties should discuss the reasons for a rule and any objections should be talked through.
• Rule sheets and contracts should be reviewed from time to time. I know many people in D/s relationships who have a set date every month to review their rules and discuss what is working, what is not, remove rules that have become obsolete and add new rules.
• It may be worthwhile giving each new rule a trial period before it becomes a part of your formal rule agreement (if you have one).  This helps to identify any practical issues that may not become immediately obvious.
• Don’t try to add too many rules at once.  This can become overwhelming and untenable.
• Punishments should be unpleasant, but they should never injure or traumatize a submissive.
• Don’t make rules that will negatively impinge upon employment, family commitments or personal health.
• Communicate.  Often, openly and honestly.

Discipline is a huge topic, and not one that I can cover in a single blog post.  If there are any specific questions you have, please feel free to get in touch with me and I will attempt to answer them in future posts.

Next time, I’ll be delving into the practice of Sadism.

If you enjoyed this post, you may like to check out the other posts in this series:

• B is for Bondage
• S is for Sadism