sexuality

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5 toys for BDsM play

Most sex toys can be used in a BDsM context, but there are some toys that work better for this purpose than others.  When I’m selecting a toy to be used in a scene, I like to look for ones that have unique features such as interesting textures, powerful motors or beautiful design.  In my book, the toys that are best suited for BDsM play are ones that can be used creatively, or which have an element that makes them intimidating in some way.

Aside from impact toys, restraints and bondage aids, there are so many toys out there that work well for BDsM play.  Here are my five favourites:

  1. Lovense Lush

The Lush is a wearable vibrator that is controlled remotely with a mobile phone app.  It’s great for D/s relationships where the submissive partner has a vagina.  The dominant partner can instruct their sub to wear the Lush while they’re out at dinner, or at the movies or just around the house.  They then have total control over the vibrator, being able to increase the vibrations with a touch of their finger.  This toy is whisper quiet and perfect for exhibitionists and those who enjoy public play.  The Lush isn’t suitable for anal play, but the Lovense Hush is a butt plug that works in exactly the same way.

2. Magic Wand

The Hitachi Magic Wand is one of the most iconic sex toys on the planet.  It’s extremely powerful and can be used on a range of genitals and body types. It’s gender neutral and rechargeable.  The long handle makes it ideal for using in bondage scenes to lash it to your partners thigh or torso for hands-free stimulation.  It’s ridiculously powerful so it’s great to use for forced orgasm or orgasm-denial play.  And the utilitarian design are perfect if you’re into medical play.

3. Fun Factory Bootie

Butt plugs are a mainstay of BDsM play.  They can be used as a form of humiliation, in preparation for more intense anal play or for public play.  A dominant may ask their submissive to wear a plug for a set amount of time as punishment or reward, and you can even rig a bondage harness to hold a plug in place.  I like the Bootie plug for BDsM scenes because it’s really easy to insert and it’s comfortable to wear for an extended period of time.  The elongated base nestles snugly between your cheeks, unlike plugs with round or square bases which put a lot of pressure around the anus.

4. Icicles glass wands

The Icicles range are ideal for temperature play. The glass can be heated up or cooled down to create unique sensations when they’re placed against the skin.  There are a huge range of sizes, colours and textures to choose from and they’re all pleasing to the eye.  They’re also a tiny bit intimidating because they’re glass, which is both rock-hard and has an element of danger to it.

5. Dix the Destroyer from Geeky Sex Toys

This behemoth of a dildo is inspired by Drax from Guardians of the Galaxy.  It is a medium-density silicone with incredible raised textures.  It is also one of the most intimidating toys I own.  I am yet to review Dix the Destroyer but it is a toy I love to play with.  It’s perfect for creating an element of dread and anticipation in a sub.  It’s harness compatible and great for size queens.  It is definitely a toy that requires a warm-up if you intend to use it for penetration.  It’s also fun to show to a sub before blindfolding them and penetrating with a smaller toy, allowing them to imagine that it’s this giant dildo that they’re playing with.  Dix is definitely a toy that plays with the mind, which is a huge part of what BDsM is all about.

 

Do you have any favourite toys for BDsM play?  Do you have any questions about using toys during scenes? If so, leave me a comment below.

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Product review: Icicles no. 12 glass rose wand

The mental images that are conjured up by the term “BDsM” are usually quite dark.  Black leather, silken latex, whips and floggers of midnight suede.  But not all kinky things are dark and dangerous.  Some are sweet, pretty and delicate. And yet those items can pack just as much punch as the darkly erotic.

Glass toys are appealing to me from a kink perspective.  There’s an element of danger in using something we perceive as fragile inside our bodies, the fear that at any moment it could shatter and  hurt us.  The rock-hard texture is both tantalising and intimidating because we know that our flesh is going to have to yield to accommodate this rigid item.  And then there’s the temperature, the icy chill as the glass glides across the skin, quickly warming as we play.

With Oz Kink Fest just around the corner, September seemed like the perfect time to test out a kinky toy.  Passionate Jade were sweet enough to send me the Icicles No. 12 rose wand to test and review.

When I unwrapped the box I was delighted by how utterly pretty the No 12. is.  Shaped like a delicate pink rose, this massager is like a glass sculpture.  You could display it in your home and it would masquerade as a feminine ornament without anyone suspecting it’s more nefarious purpose.  The detail in the petals is beautiful, and it gives way to a slender shaft with several rounded bulges.

You might be a little concerned about the safety of a glass toy, especially as I mentioned shattering in an earlier paragraph. The beauty of glass is that it plays with our minds, challenging our fear of harm, when in actual fact toys of this kind are quite safe to play with.  These glass wands are made from Pyrex or Soda Glass (which is the same stuff your Nan’s casserole dish is crafted from) and are incredibly sturdy.  They can withstand a lot of force without breaking.  For bedroom play they are very safe and extremely unlikely to break.

The shape of this toy really lends itself to a variety of different kinds of play.  It’s great for stimulating the g-spot even though it’s completely straight.  The material is so glossy and smooth which makes for easy insertion and the bulges along the shaft gently massage the g-spot as you stroke. If you find direct pressure on the g-spot a tad intense, this might be a better choice for you, as it gently glides over that sensitive area rather than pounding at it.  I found the No. 12 so easy to manipulate and thrust because it’s a generous length and has a nice rounded base.  It fit easily into my hand and wasn’t awkward to thrust with.

The ridges created by the petals are lovely for external stimulation.  With the help of a little lube, the head can be gently stroked along the labia or massaged against the clitoris or perineum.  This is perfect if you know your genitals prefer pressure and friction rather than vibration. The hard surface feels amazing on the clitoris, and because the glass is seamless it glides over your skin without tugging or catching.

The flared base makes this toy safe for anal play.  I thought the idea of using a rose to play with my rosebud was kind of cheeky and cute.  Glass is compatible with all kinds of lube and the silky texture makes it ideal for butt play.  Just as the ridged tip felt great on my clit, it also created a really pleasurable sensation against my anus.  If you’re experienced with butt play and are looking to try something a little bit different and daring, I’d definitely recommend giving this toy a try. Again, the longer length of the shaft gives you plenty of room to hold and manipulate this toy.  I did find the super-straight design a little more awkward for anal play but in the right position it works perfectly.

The one downside to the No. 12 is that it’s slippery to hold onto.  Because the surface is so slick, if you’ve got lube on your hands or the toy it’s really hard to get a good grip on it.  It’s a good idea to have a towel nearby to remove any excess lube before you start thrusting to make sure that the toy isn’t going to skid out of your hand.

If you’re into BDsM this would be a great toy for you.  Not only does it look gorgeous but glass makes an ideal material for temperature play.  The wand can easily be warmed up with a heating pad or warm water or cooled down in the freezer for a unique sensation.  The contrast of the ultra feminine design with the rigid glass makes this toy both beautiful and intimidating, perfect for femme-domme scenes.  It also fits very nicely into a harness if you want to try pegging or strap-on play.

At $55, the Icicles No 12 is a bargain for a good-quality dildo.  It’s non-porous and body safe, waterproof and easy to clean.  If you’re interested in trying a glass toy this would be a great option as you could give it a shot without spending a lot of money.  It’s a great quality toy that will last for years with proper care.

I truly adore the Icicles No. 12.  It’s a versatile toy with a multitude of kinky uses.  The romantic design is both practical and gorgeous, and it’s a great choice if you want a dildo that doesn’t look overtly phallic.  It’s unyielding texture is such a contradiction of the delicate appearance and it’s perfect for playing with the mind as well as the body.

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When did you know that you’re bisexual?

September is Bisexuality Visability Month.  I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my own bisexuality, particularly trying to pinpoint the moment at which I knew that I was bisexual.  My bisexuality didn’t come to me as a sudden epiphany.  I didn’t have a single “Oh my gosh, I’m queer” moment.  It was a series of creeping realisations, of building evidence and mounting instances that led me to accept and eventually be proud of my bisexuality.

Growing up I was always interested in boys.  I dated boys in high school, I had crushes on boy bands and put up posters of male celebrities in my room.  I had no doubt that I was attracted to boys.  That fact has never wavered in my mind.

I recall vividly one Saturday morning watching Video Hits before I got ready to do my paper route.  Pink’s “Most Girls” video clip came on, and I watched the entire thing with a hot blush creeping across my face.  I couldn’t tear my eyes from the screen as Pink did push-ups on her bedroom floor, licked her lips with her tongue piercing running along the rim of her mouth, and pulled a fishnet jumper over her head.  I remember the desire to touch her skin, to run my fingers over her biceps and be kissed by her frosted pink lips.  I was aroused in the same way that I felt aroused when I made out with my boyfriend or watched Leonardo DiCaprio unbutton his Hawaiian in Romeo and Juliet.

I walked my paper route that day feeling ashamed and confused.  I rolled those feelings around in my head, wondering three terrifying words “Am I Gay?”  Growing up in a small town in the early 2000’s, “Gay” wasn’t a label that was safe to wear.  I was already unpopular and suffering at the hands of bullies, and the thought of having something else to make me a target frightened me badly.

My confusion stemmed from the fact that at the time, I didn’t know that bisexuality was even a thing.  I thought a person could be either gay or straight.  And I knew that I was attracted to boys.  So how could I be gay?  I felt anxious at the idea that the label I’d applied to myself might not actually be the right one.  At a time in my life when I was already questioning my identity in so many ways, the idea that my sexuality might be different to my original conception of it was disorientating.

A few months later, that confusion bubbled up again when I developed a crush on a girl at my school.  I’d see her in the halls between classes, and the familiar push-and-pull of the crush would overcome me.  That desire to see them at any cost, to gather any morsel of information about that fascinating person, but the need to look away, to hide, to flee should they look my way.  She was something of a tomboy: she had short hair and wore pants rather than the pinafore that was the girl’s uniform. She rode a skateboard and most of her friends were boys.  I was drawn to her, definitely attracted and completely paralysed by that attraction.  I told myself that I was just a hormonal teenager, that her masculine energy had somehow tricked my heart into thinking that she was a dude, and therefore I was just very confused.  I forced myself to avoid her, to not think about her.  I even scrubbed a whole page out of my journal where I’d dared to write her name.  Eventually that crush died, but the memory of the confusion it created remains crisp.

This pattern of me crushing on various women, both real and celebrity continued for most of my teen years.  And all this time I continued dating boys.  Boys I was attracted to, some of whom I loved.  Still I beat down those feelings for women, ignoring them, telling myself it was “just hormones” “just a phase” or that I wanted to be like those women rather than wanting to be with them.

I don’t remember the moment when I learned what the word “bisexual” meant.  I do remember in high school that it was a kind of code for a girl who would make out with other girls at parties for attention. The idea was very much that it was a trendy label a girl could slap on to make herself seem daring and sexually open.  I never associated this label with myself at the time because I didn’t fit the stereotype that I’d been taught applied to bisexuality.

In college I shared a dorm with a girl who was openly bisexual.  I was in awe of her.  I marvelled at her photo albums, flicking through photographs of her with her formal date, both in purple sateen dresses; with her high school boyfriend holding hands and grinning.  Her dating history was evenly matched for men and women.  She invited me to a party where she hooked up with an attractive woman from the year above us.  As I watched them sitting on the floor, sharing a bowl of lollies and kissing I felt jealous.  It was in that moment that I realised that I wanted what she had: not the woman, but the ownership of her sexuality.  I’d gradually come to realise that I wasn’t straight, that bisexuality was my true label.  And I felt mad at myself for not being brave enough to own it.  At the time I was with a man I’d been with for four years, a man I intended to marry, and so it seemed futile to be vocal about my bisexuality because I’d never get to act upon it.

When my ten-year relationship concluded, I mended my shattered heart and let the dust settle before I felt ready to date again.  I signed up for online dating.  As I filled in my profile, I felt a shiver of exhilaration when I ticked the box next to “bisexual”.  I felt like I’d finally owned who I was, that I’d made it official in a way.  The idea of being free to invite women into my pool of dates was one of the most liberating experiences of my life.

Over the years I’ve dated people of a mix of genders.  Dating women felt foreign to me because I’d never done it before, but also because I felt I didn’t have the same “script” to prepare me the way I had when I began dating men.  I had no idea who was supposed to make the first move, no idea how to tell if she was flirting with me, no idea how to have sex with a woman.  With men it was easy, because centuries of social etiquette told me how to behave and how to interpret their behaviour towards me.  But dating women was a whole new ball game.  An exciting, beautiful ball game that I was ecstatic to be playing.

As  time has passed, I’ve become more comfortable and then eventually proud to be bisexual, and I’ve come so far from the frightened, confused teenage girl who first questioned her sexuality on a Saturday morning paper route.

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Safer sex and sex toys

Most sex ed lessons cover the topic of safer sex.  As teenagers a lot of us learned how to prevent pregnancy and avoid STI’s.  However, it’s rare that sex toys get a look-in during the safer sex talk.  This is a real worry, because many STIs can be passed along this way if you don’t take proper precautions.

Sex toys often get overlooked when we talk about safer sex because they’re not attached to our bodies.  They don’t excrete fluids and we don’t really think about their potential to pass along infections and diseases.  But the truth is that if you use sex toys with your partners you need to make sure that you’re using them safely, and taking the following things into consideration.

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Choose non-porous materials

Many materials used to make sex toys are porous, which means that they have tiny pores in the surface of the product.  Bodily fluids, bacteria and lube can live in these pores and breed.  Each time you play, you’re re-introducing that bacteria into your body.  And if you use the toy with a partner, you’re spreading that bacteria to them.  If you have multiple partners as you can easily spread an infection among all of your partners with one porous sex toy.  If one of your partners has an STI, then this could potentially pass the infection on to other people you’re sleeping with.  Even if everyone is healthy, then a porous toy can still harbour and spread bacteria which can cause yeast infections and irritation.

That’s why it’s so important to choose toys that are made of non-porous materials.  Silicone, glass and stainless steel are the gold star materials to look for.  Avoid toys made from jelly-plastic, cyberskin, PVC or rubber.  Be wary of toys that are made from wood or stone, as these may be porous unless they are sealed with a non-porous coating.

 

Clean your toys thoroughly after each use

Non porous toys can never be thoroughly cleaned, because those tiny pores can easily trap bacteria.  But if you’ve selected a toy in a non-porous material then you can get it truly clean. And you should take the time to clean it completely each time you use it.

For dildos, butt plugs and other non-vibrating toys, wash them in the sink in hot water and a specialised toy cleaner.  To sterilize these toys, you can boil them in a pot on the stove for several minutes or even put them on the top shelf of your dishwasher.  If you share toys, or use toys for butt play, I definitely recommend sterilizing them after use.

If your toy has a motor then cleaning it can be a little bit more finicky.  Wash your toy in the sink with warm water, toy cleaner or a mild bleach solution. Wipe off any residue from cleaning products which may cause skin irritation.  Remember to dry your toy completely before storing it.

 

Wrap it up

Making sex toys safe is easy when you employ one of the oldest safer sex tools on the market: the condom.  Putting a condom over a porous toy will prevent fluids or bacteria coming into contact with the toy’s surface.  If you are sharing a toy with multiple partners, butting a fresh condom on your toy between partners will keep everyone’s fluids separate and avoid cross-contamination.

It’s also a great idea to slide a condom onto your toy if you’re planning to do a combination of anal and vaginal play in one session.  It’s vitally important to keep anything that has been in or on an anus far away from a vagina. Contamination between butt and vagina is one of the most common causes of UTI’s.  To stay safe, slip a condom onto your toy, do your butt play, then whip it off and dispose of it before you go anywhere near the front door.

 

Keep them separated

It can be nice to have separate toys for solo use, and toys that you use with your partner.  If you play with more than one person, ask each person to bring their own toys to the bedroom.  This may not always be feasible, particularly if you use toys during casual encounters or don’t have a lot of cash to splash on separate toys for everyone.  But if it works for your personal situation, having separate toy collections can help keep sex safer.

 

Don’t neglect your safer sex practices when using sex toys.  Toys often get overlooked when we discuss disease prevention and STI’s, but they can absolutely pose a threat if proper precautions aren’t taken.  Make sure that you choose toys carefully and clean them carefully after use.  And if in doubt, use a condom to keep yourself and all your partners safe from STI’s.

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Wand vibrators 101

I recently saw a Twitter conversation that shook me.  A blogger had posted a picture of their Hitachi Magic Wand vibrator and a commenter had written “How does that even work?  How are you meant to get that inside of you?”  It broke my heart that this poor reader hadn’t been educated in the way of wand vibrators, and I thought it was high time I did a little 101 class for anyone else who isn’t sure what wands are or how you’re supposed to use them.

What are wand vibrators?

Wand vibrators are a type of external vibrator. They typically feature a large head that vibrates and a long handle.  Wands are generally a quite powerful type of vibrator, many plug into the wall but there are rechargeable versions on the market.

What are they for?

Wands are used for external stimulation of the genitals.  You’re not supposed to insert a wand inside your body, they’re used to run over the outside parts of your genitals to wake them up and stimulate them.  Wands can be used during sex or for solo play.  A wand vibrator provides a more broad stimulation than say, a bullet vibrator.  Many people with clitorises find this type of vibration more pleasurable and find that they have stronger orgasms when they use a broader source of vibration.  And there’s a very good reason for this.  To find out why, we’re going to take a look at some clitoral anatomy.

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See, the clitoris is actually much larger than what most of us realise.  That little nub that perches atop the vulva is actually just the tip of a much larger collection of nerves.  The clitoris also has two long “legs”, which run down underneath the labia and inner thighs, wrapping around the entrance to the vagina.  This whole area is packed with nerve endings and is sensitive to pleasurable touch. The glans clitoris, that little pea-shaped button that most of us think of as the clit is the most sensitive part.

Wand vibrators provide a much broader surface of vibration, which stimulates the internal clitoris creating a fuller sensation.  Engaging this entire erogenous zone with a powerful vibrator can bring on bigger, more satisfying orgasms.  Some people with vulvas also find that pinpoint stimulation directly on the clitoris is too intense, and prefer the more broad-brush approach that a wand offers.

Who might enjoy using a wand?

Wands are perfect for anyone who wants to have a powerful orgasm, but finds direct clitoral stimulation too intense.  They also come with a range of attachments, so you can have the power of a wand with a variety of different sensations and shapes.

Even though I’ve talked mostly about the clitoris, wands aren’t only for people with vulvas.  Their simple shape make them very adaptable to be used on a range of body parts.  You could experiment using the wand on nipples, testicles, the perineum, labia and inner thighs.  In a pinch, they even work to ease sore muscles (as that was the original purpose of the iconic Hitachi Magic Wand).

Wands are also fantastic for BDsM play.  The long handle means that you can easily lash them to someone’s inner thigh or torso, pressing them up against the genitals for forced orgasm or tease and denial scenes.

I also recommend wands for people who have hand or wrist issues, or anyone who has trouble reaching comfortably to use a traditional bullet or smaller clitoral vibrator. The handle gives you plenty of extra reach so you can more easily access your genitals during solo play.  Many designs have curved handles that angle the toy towards your body, making it more ergonomic and easier to hold in place.

Which wands do you recommend?

There are several wand vibrators that I sing the praises of.  My all time favourite is the Medicil Magic wand (the same as the Hitachi). It’s mains powered, which is a little bit of a pain if you aren’t near an outlet but there is a rechargeable version. It’s very powerful and feels amazing.

I also enjoy the Tantus Rumble.  It’s not quite as powerful as some other wands, but it is feather light and easy to use.  Tantus also has a number of attachment heads for it to allow you to experience different sensations.

There are a couple of wands that I’ve not personally tried, but I’ve heard are great.  The Doxy Diecast is high on my wishlist for it’s rumbly power.  The Embrace Body Wand has an elegant shape and the handle also vibrates, meaning it doubles as an external vibrator.   I’ve also heard great things about the Lelo Smart Wand.

 

In summary, wand vibrators are perfect for powerful, broad surface stimulation for bigger orgasms.  They also solve some issues with grip and accessibility for folks who have hand or wrist complaints.  Wands are a very versatile, powerful toy that can be used in so many creative ways with exciting results.

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Product review: Unik Rabbit

The Unik rabbit caught my eye at Sexpo last year.  It rekindled an interest in rabbit vibrators that has lain dormant for a long time.  For years, the only sex toy I owned was a vibrating rabbit.  This was because I had the idea in my head that a woman should A Vibrator, and that should be her only toy.  So I wanted one that provided internal and external stimulation.  When that rabbit bit the dust, I began a search for a new vibrator which birthed the realisation that “Hey, there are So Many sex toys out there and I can have multiple toys if I want”.  And so I moved away from rabbits for a while, only sampling a couple in the last few years.

But then the Unik rabbit hopped onto the scene.  When I saw it, I knew I wanted it.  It ticked so many Good Sex Toy boxes: It was medical grade silicone!  It was rechargeable!  And waterproof!  And had a really awesome range of motion.  See, most rabbits just vibrate, but the internal portion of the Unik rabbit rotates.  I couldn’t wait to take it for a spin.

Once it was charged and ready to go, I took a moment to play with the buttons.  I absolutely love the controls on this rabbit.  I dislike rabbit vibrators that have one set of controls for both motors.  When there’s two motors, I like to be able to control them both independently, because I usually want stronger sensation internally than what I want externally.  With single-button controls, I have to choose between overwhelming my clitoris or underwhelming my G-spot.  But this toy has one button for the clitoral arm and another for the rotation.  So you can mix and match vibration and rotation speeds to perfectly suit your needs.

The reason I tend not to choose rabbit vibes very often is that they’re not a “one size fits all” deal.  When you’re making a toy that’s intended to stimulate two erogenous zones simultaneously, there’s a huge margin of error.  The distance between the clitoris and the vaginal opening varies greatly across the population of vulva owners. So it’s very difficult to make a vibrator that will hit the clitoris and the g-spot on every person that tries it.  I’ve been lucky in the past to find a couple of rabbit vibes that fit my body perfectly (The Lelo Ina Wave is the best example).  But the Unik rabbit does not.  If I insert it far enough so that the rabbit ears make contact with my clit, the rotating arm is situated way behind my g-spot.  If I move it so that the tip can massage my g-spot, the rabbit is several inches away from my clit.  Even though this toy is supposed to stimulate both spots at the same time, I usually wind up having to choose one or the other each time I use this toy.

When the rabbit arm does reach my clitoris, the experience is mixed.  The vibration quality is quite rumbly and very powerful.  The vibrator has three speeds and then several patterns.  The thing I don’t like is those rabbit ears.  Those buggers are pointy and have a tendency to poke painfully at my clit.  They are quite flexible, so they can be bent out of the way.  I tried pointing them downwards, lying one on either side of my clitoris but they tend to wriggle out of position and pinch me.  The only thing that worked well was bending them upwards and resting the rabbit ‘nose’ against my clitoris.

I did very much like the shaft’s motion for g-spot massage. The tip of the shaft curves very gently upwards, so it reaches your g-spot without being too aggressive.  The end of the shaft is the perfect firmness for a good massage with enough squish to feel comfortable.  The swirling motion feels amazing on my g-spot, which prefers pressure to thrusting.

This toy boasts two powerful motors, one in the shaft and one in the rabbit arm.  I was extremely excited by this because I wanted to be able to really rumble my junk inside and out. However, I ran into a little problem.  I’d start playing with both motors on low, then I’d slowly inch up the speed on the shaft until it was going at full speed.  Then as I was close to orgasm, I’d bump up the vibration speed……and the whole toy would switch itself off.  I tried this over and over and each time I got to top speeds on both motors, they’d both shit themselves and cut out.  It was like the rabbit was saying to me “Bitch, you can’t handle that much power!”.  It was so frustrating because it would usually happen right before I came, and I can’t abide any toy that makes me lose an orgasm. Don’t tease me with the potential of two powerful motors if I can’t use them both at once.

The final thing that pushed me from being excited about this toy to wanting to hurl it across the room is the noise.  This is one of the loudest vibrators I’ve ever heard.  The vibrating portion is pretty quiet, so if you’re just using that motor you should be fine. But the rotating shaft makes this incessant mechanical whine that is still audible through several layers of bedding.  It’s so loud that I can’t use this toy while I’m watching porn because I can’t hear the my movie over the grinding of the motor.  It’s completely unsexy and very distracting.  If you have housemates or live with your parents, this is not the toy for you because as soon as you turn it on it broadcasts to the whole household “Hey dudes!  I’M MASTURBATING!!”

I was so disappointed with this toy.  It has many features that I adore, from the silky silicone shaft to the awesome dual control panel. But the actual experience of using this vibrator was awkward, frustrating and lacklustre.  If it were merely a matter of the toy not really fitting my personal anatomy, I’d still be willing to recommend it with the caveat that it might work for someone with a different vagina.  But the unbearable volume of the motor and the fact that it can’t handle being bumped up to the highest setting have turned me completely off this vibrator.  It had so much potential, but fell far short of what I’d hoped it would deliver.

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How to remove a butt plug

When I first considered trying a butt plug I did a lot of research.  I read books about anal, I searched for optimal first-time toys, I looked at comparisons of different types of lubricant and checked blog posts outlining backdoor tips.  One thing I noticed was that a lot of the first-time info on using a butt plug was very focused on choosing a toy and inserting it, but almost none of those sources tell you how to remove the plug.  So I wanted to take some time to touch on this subject, because I know it’s something that a lot of people (myself included) worry about when they’re considering trying a plug for the first time.

It’s not as difficult as you’d think

First of all, I want to tell you that getting that plug out of your backside isn’t as tricky as you’re imagining it will be.  I always thought that taking a plug out was going to be really difficult.  I think that’s because I’d read so many articles about how strong your sphincter can be, and how your butt can suck up toys that don’t have flared bases.  All of this advice had given me the impression that my anus was akin to an industrial-strength vacuum, and once something was in there it would hold on relentlessly.  And this just isn’t true.

Sure, your internal sphincter can be mighty strong, and your butt is capable of swallowing items that don’t have a base.  But it’s also important to remember that your anus is designed to push things out.  So if you’ve got a plug anchored in your butt, it’s not  very difficult to remove it.

Relax

The most important thing you can do is relax.  If you’re tense and worried about getting the plug out, then your muscles are going be tighter and you’ll have more resistance to contend with. So even if you’re nervous, try to chill out.  Take a few deep breaths and exhale through your mouth.  The more relaxed you are, the easier it will be to remove the plug.

Don’t stress about mess

Another misconception about butt play is that it’s messy.  As long as you’ve prepared properly for play, and you’ve listened to your body, you’re unlikely to encounter any fecal matter.  However, it’s also important to set your mind at ease so that you aren’t tense and worried.  You might find it more reassuring to remove your plug in the shower or sitting on the toilet.  It’s also a nice idea to have some tissues or a towel on hand to wipe your hands and carry the plug in to wash it off.

Pay attention to your jaw

One of the first places we begin to hold tension in the body is our jaw.  If you’re feeling nervous, you might notice that your jaw begins to clench.  To help you loosen up, take a few deep breaths and consciously relax that jaw.  Unpeel your tongue from the roof of your mouth, separate your teeth and just let some of that tension go.  This will send a message to the rest of your muscles to relax and you’ll find that you feel less tense after you slacken your jaw.

Go slowly

Just like you (hopefully) inserted your plug slowly, you should also take your time removing it.  Sudden movements can shock your sphincter, causing it to tighten up.  You could also bruise or tear the delicate skin in and around the anus if you use too much force.

Once you’re ready and relaxed, get into a comfortable position.  Some people like to sit or squat, others like to stand with one leg on something sturdy.  Whatever feels comfortable and allows you to reach the plug is perfect.  Make sure your hands are free of lube before you begin so that you can get a good grip on the base of your plug.  Once you’re holding the base, begin to gently pull it downwards, nice and slowly.  Keep breathing and stay relaxed while you remove the plug.  It can also help to very gently bear down as though you were passing a bowel movement.  The combination of downward force and pulling slowly on the base should be enough to slide the plug out of position.

It won’t come out!?  What do I do?

First of all, don’t panic.  As I said at the beginning of this post, the more stressed out you are, the more difficult it will be to remove the plug.  Relax, wash your hands, walk around a little and then try again.  If you still can’t get the plug out on your own then it might be time to take yourself to the emergency room. Keep in mind that if you’ve used plenty of lube, chosen an appropriate toy and you’ve followed the steps above, having to get your toy medically removed is a very remote possibility.

Anal play is still a taboo that is shrouded with mystery and misconception.  But in reality, it’s not as scary and difficult as we expect.  Removing a butt plug actually isn’t as hard as you’d imagine.  If you stay relaxed and take your time, you shouldn’t have any issues at all.