September 3, 2018 by nessbow

Safer sex and sex toys

Most sex ed lessons cover the topic of safer sex. As teenagers a lot of us learned how to prevent pregnancy and avoid STI’s. However, it’s rare that sex toys get a look-in during the safer sex talk. This is a real worry, because many STIs can be passed along this way if you don’t take proper precautions.

Sex toys often get overlooked when we talk about safer sex because they’re not attached to our bodies. They don’t excrete fluids and we don’t really think about their potential to pass along infections and diseases. But the truth is that if you use sex toys with your partners you need to make sure that you’re using them safely, and taking the following things into consideration.

Choose non-porous materials

Many materials used to make sex toys are porous, which means that they have tiny pores in the surface of the product. Bodily fluids, bacteria and lube can live in these pores and breed. Each time you play, you’re re-introducing that bacteria into your body. And if you use the toy with a partner, you’re spreading that bacteria to them. If you have multiple partners as you can easily spread an infection among all of your partners with one porous sex toy. If one of your partners has an STI, then this could potentially pass the infection on to other people you’re sleeping with. Even if everyone is healthy, then a porous toy can still harbour and spread bacteria which can cause yeast infections and irritation.

That’s why it’s so important to choose toys that are made of non-porous materials. Silicone, glass and stainless steel are the gold star materials to look for. Avoid toys made from jelly-plastic, cyberskin, PVC or rubber. Be wary of toys that are made from wood or stone, as these may be porous unless they are sealed with a non-porous coating.

Clean your toys thoroughly after each use

Porous toys can never be thoroughly cleaned, because those tiny pores can easily trap bacteria. But if you’ve selected a toy in a non-porous material then you can get it truly clean. And you should take the time to clean it completely each time you use it.

For dildos, butt plugs and other non-vibrating toys, wash them in the sink in hot water and a specialised toy cleaner. To sterilize these toys, you can boil them in a pot on the stove for several minutes or even put them on the top shelf of your dishwasher. If you share toys, or use toys for butt play, I definitely recommend sterilizing them after use.

If your toy has a motor then cleaning it can be a little bit more finicky. Wash your toy in the sink with warm water, toy cleaner or a mild bleach solution. Wipe off any residue from cleaning products which may cause skin irritation. Remember to dry your toy completely before storing it.

Wrap it up

Making sex toys safe is easy when you employ one of the oldest safer sex tools on the market: the condom. Putting a condom over a porous toy will prevent fluids or bacteria coming into contact with the toy’s surface. If you are sharing a toy with multiple partners, butting a fresh condom on your toy between partners will keep everyone’s fluids separate and avoid cross-contamination.

It’s also a great idea to slide a condom onto your toy if you’re planning to do a combination of anal and vaginal play in one session. It’s vitally important to keep anything that has been in or on an anus far away from a vagina. Contamination between butt and vagina is one of the most common causes of UTI’s. To stay safe, slip a condom onto your toy, do your butt play, then whip it off and dispose of it before you go anywhere near the front door.

Keep them separated

It can be nice to have separate toys for solo use, and toys that you use with your partner. If you play with more than one person, ask each person to bring their own toys to the bedroom. This may not always be feasible, particularly if you use toys during casual encounters or don’t have a lot of cash to splash on separate toys for everyone. But if it works for your personal situation, having separate toy collections can help keep sex safer.

Don’t neglect your safer sex practices when using sex toys. Toys often get overlooked when we discuss disease prevention and STI’s, but they can absolutely pose a threat if proper precautions aren’t taken. Make sure that you choose toys carefully and clean them carefully after use. And if in doubt, use a condom to keep yourself and all your partners safe from STI’s.

20 ways to work D/s play into your daily life

Most of us have pretty hectic schedules and full calendars. When it comes to finding time for Dominance and submission play (or D/s), it’s sometimes easier to work a little play into every day rather than blocking out a whole evening for a full scene.

Photo by Life Of Pix on Pexels.com

Dominance and submission refers to a type of power exchange where one person takes on the role of Dominant or top, controlling the scene, creating rules for the submissive party and dishing out punishment. The submissive or bottom follows the rules, giving up some or all of their power to the dominant. Dominance and submission play is an extremely broad term that may incorporate elements of bondage, discipline, sadism, masochism, or roleplay. Some people follow a D/s lifestyle, where their relationship permanently takes on these roles and the people in the relationship negotiate ways in which their everyday lives will operate based upon these roles. Other people may engage in D/s as play only in the bedroom or on specific occasions. People who enjoy temporary D/s play are more likely to switch roles, sometimes playing the dominant role and other times being more submissive.

If you’re interested in D/s play, you might be looking for some ideas to dip your toe into the water. Or perhaps you’re an experienced D/s player who is finding it difficult to make time for full play scenes, but still want to feel connected to your partner in a way that speaks to your power exchange dynamic. Today I’ve got 20 ideas to get you started, some small ways that you can inject D/s into your everyday life.

*As always, negotiation is a vital part of any BDsM play. Even with light, daily play, it’s still important to check in with your partner to discuss boundaries, limits and reactions. Consent is the cornerstone of D/s play, so make sure that your partner is ok with any of the following actions or rules before implementing them.*

The dominant partner chooses the submissive partner’s underwear for the day. Knowing that your partner has selected the thing that’s closest to your skin is such a turn on.
The dominant partner sends a text message to their submissive, demanding that they sneak into the nearest bathroom and take a sexy selfie for them.
Wearable sex toys provide endless opportunities for daily play. Requiring a submissive to wear kegel balls or a butt plug while they do household chores, or while out of the house reinforces power dynamics and is physically stimulating.
Develop secret code names for each other to use in text messages or out aloud. It can be anything that you feel comfortable with, but having a special name to call your partner that reinforces their position, such as Sir, Madam, little one or babygirl is both a term of endearment and a way to signal your dominance or submission discreetly.
Make a rule that when dining together, the submissive partner is not allowed to begin eating until the dominant partner has begun their meal.
Have the bottom serve food or drink to the top. The submissive partner should pour their dominant’s drink before their own. When serving hot drinks, the handle should always be placed to face the dominant. (you can find endless articles on D/s serving techniques which can be developed to suit your own tastes).
Create a list of chores that the submissive partner has to complete, as well as a suitable punishment if chores are not completed satisfactorily.
Jewellery can be used to signify submission and ownership. Collars in the BDsM world often hold a similar significance to a wedding ring. If you’re not ready for the commitment of collaring, you could try gifting the submissive partner with a necklace, anklet, ring or other piece of jewellery that they can wear regularly to remind them of their partner and their desire for submission.
Make a rule that the submissive partner must ask the dominant’s permission before eating sweets or treats.
When kissing your partner goodbye, gently but firmly hold under their jaw and tilt their head towards yours.
Nothing beats pushing your partner against the wall for a passionate kiss, especially if you pin their wrists in place while doing so.
Have your submissive groom you, helping you to wash in the shower, painting your nails or combing your hair.
Provided the setting is warm and private, have the submissive partner strip naked or to their underwear while doing household chores.
When watching television, the submissive partner could sit on the floor at their master’s feet.
Foot rubs and massages are both relaxing for the dominant partner and a way for their submissive to show their service.
Have a short morning or evening ritual, where the submissive says or texts good morning or good night to the dominant, so that they are the first thing they think of upon waking and the final thing they think of as they drift off to sleep at night.
Have the submissive read erotic stories or poetry to the dominant partner.
During sex or masturbation , the submissive partner must ask permission to climax.
Allow the submissive to lay out the dominant’s clothes before work, or pack their lunch to show service and devotion.
Together, write a mantra or vow that sums up your role in one another’s lives. Each day, find a moment to reflect on this mantra, and carry it with you.

As you can see from this list, there are a lot of simple, everyday activities that can become a part of D/s play. That is because Dominance and submission isn’t necessarily represented by specific acts, but by the mindset that accompanies them. So for a lot of people, doing the dishes is a simple household chore that must be done each day. But for me as a submissive, doing the dishes for my Sir is a way to serve him and show my love and respect for him. With a bit of creativity and discussion, it’s easy to think of ways that you can weave Dominance and submission into your everyday life, just by adopting the mindset that “we are doing this as an expression of our dynamic”.

It is vital to note that there is no one specific way to incorporate D/s into your relationship. Every relationship is different and so are the people within it. People change with time and so the relationship has to be periodically revisited and revised to suit shifting circumstances. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to just do the odd spot of D/s play, or switching roles as you see fit. These small acts of D/s can be done as a one-off or developed into an ongoing set of rules or protocols for lifestyle D/s. The most important thing is to communicate with your partner and ensure that everyone is happy and comfortable with the play you’re partaking in.

Do you incorporate Dominance and submission into your everyday life? What are some other ways that you can weave D/s play into the day-to-day?

June 25, 2018 by nessbow

My Implanon experience

If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you’ll know that over the last year I’ve had a bit of a struggle with birth control. I came off the pill after more than ten years in an attempt to ease my chronic migraines. I tried a Mirena IUD, which initially was great. But my body expelled the IUD so I was back to square one. After a lot of research and debate, I decided to give the Implanon implant a try.

What is implanon?

Implanon is a long-term contraceptive option. It’s a flexible plastic rod that’s about the same size as a matchstick. The rod is inserted below the skin on the upper arm. Once inserted, the rod gradually releases hormones to suppress ovulation. Implanon lasts three years.

I chose the Implanon for a couple of reasons. Firstly, even though it’s a hormonal birth control method, it’s a steady dose of hormones. I already knew that my migraines were aggravated by the varying dose of hormones in the pill, and that they settled down when I was using the IUD. So I felt confident that the Implanon wouldn’t trigger my migraines.

I was also keen to try the implant because it is extremely effective. Implanon is more than 99.9% effective, making it the most effective birth control method on the market. I also liked that it was a “set and forget” method that didn’t require remembering to take a pill or get a shot regularly. Implanon is also fairly cheap. I paid $35 for the implant itself and then $70 for the doctor’s appointment to have it inserted. So all up it was around $100 for three years of contraceptive protection.

Initial difficulties

I had a fair amount of difficulty getting the implant inserted. I made an initial appointment with my doctor, who answered all my questions and gave me a prescription for the implant. She explained that she isn’t trained to insert the device herself, but there are five other doctors at my practice who are. For best results, it’s recommended that the Implanon is inserted on the second or third day of your period, because this reduces the likelihood of side effects. My doctor instructed me to wait until I had my period and then call the surgery to make an appointment for the insertion.

Now, I live in a small country town, and it is very difficult to get a doctors appointment. I usually wait up to three weeks for a doctors appointment. So I tried to plan ahead. I got out my calendar and made an educated guess at when I expected my period to arrive, and then made an appointment three weeks in advance. However I miscalculated and when that day rolled around my period hadn’t started yet. I went to the appointment anyway but the doctor told me he couldn’t do the procedure until my period began. He assured me that if I rang on the day my period arrived and explained the situation, I’d be able to get an appointment on the right day.

So three days later I got my period. I immediately rang the clinic to book my appointment, and was told that there were no available appointments. I explained to the receptionist that my doctor had told me I needed an appointment on this specific day, and that I’d been waiting weeks without contraception. I asked if she had any emergency appointments set aside. She said she did, but this isn’t an emergency so I couldn’t have one. By this point I was fed up. I was frustrated from the trial and error with birth control, sick of doctors appointments, tired of being anxious about accidentally becoming pregnant (despite being exceptionally careful) while I waited for long term birth control and angry that I wasn’t able to get an appointment on the day I badly needed one. I burst into tears on the phone. I think the receptionist was shocked and offered me an appointment the following day. I tearfully accepted it.

Insertion

The day I had the Implanon inserted I was very nervous. I was mostly anxious that the doctor would refuse to do the procedure again, and that I’d be left without contraception for another month. But luckily for me, he was happy to put the implant in once I’d confirmed that my period had arrived.

The insertion process was very quick and almost completely painless. The doctor had me lie down and remove my shirt so that my arm was exposed. He then cleaned the inside of my upper arm and marked the spot where the implant would be inserted. He gave me an injection of some numbing solution which stung the tiniest bit, and was the most painful part of the whole process. After that he quickly inserted the implant using the applicator it comes in. The applicator looks scary, like a plastic gun with a giant hollow needle poking out of it, but it really wasn’t anything to be frightened of. Basically the needle went right into my arm, under the skin, he slid a lever across which pushed the implant out of the needle and into my arm and then carefully removed the applicator. He then gently pressed on my arm to make sure that the implant was in there and in the right spot and let me feel it for myself. Then I got a bandaid and a bandage on my arm and I was allowed to leave.

The results

After the numbing wore off my arm was a little bit tender. I had some light bruising and I had to leave the dressing on for a few days. My arm was a little stiff for about three days after the procedure, but not really sore. I had a little puncture mark where the needle had gone in and I now have a tiny diamond-shaped scar.

I love the fact that I can feel the rod under the skin of my arm. It feels very reassuring to know that it’s right there, doing it’s job. And it’s a cool party trick to be able to show it off to my friends.

I haven’t had any side effects at all since I had the rod inserted. Some women report itching at the insertion site, headaches, nausea and irregular bleeding. I have had none of that. The only thing that’s happened is that my periods have stopped, which is very common with the Implanon.

After all the drama I went through to actually have the Implanon put in, I’m so relieved to have found a contraceptive that is working for me without triggering my migraines. I feel confident that I’m protected from unwanted pregnancy for the next three years, and I don’t even have to think about it. I’d definitely recommend considering the Implanon if you’re looking for a set-and-forget birth control method that’s fairly inexpensive and very effective.

Have you tried Implanon? Did you like it? Do you have any questions for me about mine?

April 30, 2018 by nessbow

How to stop menstrual cup leaks

I had a question from a reader a few weeks ago about menstrual cup leaks. This reader was discouraged from using her menstrual cup because she was experiencing frequent leaks, particularly when she wore her cup on the heaviest days of her period. The potential for leaks is one of the main deterrents from trying a menstrual cup. However, during my experience I’ve found leaks to be very uncommon, provided that you’ve chosen the correct cup for your body and you’ve inserted it correctly. To help you out if you’re experiencing leaks with your cup, I’ve created a little troubleshooting guide for you to run through.

Are you sure your cup is actually leaking?

I’ve had moments when I’ve thought that my menstrual cup has leaked, but it was a false alarm. Sometimes, if you’ve removed the cup, emptied it, and then reinserted it, or if you’ve inserted the cup after a period of not wearing it, there can be traces of blood left on the walls of the vagina that wind up on the outside of the cup after it’s inserted. If this is the case, you might get a small amount of blood in your underwear even though you’re wearing the cup. If you notice a little bit of blood on your underwear, this is probably what’s happened. However, if there is a lot of blood or the amount of blood increases throughout the day, you might have a leak that needs to be addressed.

Has your cup opened fully after you’ve inserted it?

One of the main reasons a cup will leak is that it is not inserted properly. If the cup hasn’t popped open fully after insertion, it won’t create the seal it needs to work effectively.

If you’re not certain if your cup is properly opened, it’s very easy to check. Once you’ve inserted the cup, insert a finger into your vagina alongside the cup. Gently feel all the way around the cup. If it is open, it should feel smooth and round. If you feel any puckers, folds or dips, then the cup has not opened up fully.

Another way to check is to very gently pull on the base of the cup, being careful not to pinch the cup (which will break the seal). If there is resistance, then the cup is properly sealed in position. If you can easily move the cup, then it’s not properly inserted and you need to take it out and try again.

There are certain cup folds that make it easier for your cup to pop open. Every body is different and some people find that certain folds work best with their bodies. I personally find that the often-used C-fold makes it harder for my cup to pop open. I have three favourite folds that work best for me:

The Punch Down fold is achieved by pushing one edge of the cup down inside the cup and then pinching the two edges closed to hold the punched-down edge inside. This fold pops open the most easily once inserted.

The 7 fold is where you flatten the cup and fold one of the upper corners down diagonally to meet the opposite lower corner.

The Labia or Diamond fold is achieved by taking hold of the rim on one side and bending it to meet the lower edge of the cup. Then pinch the two outer corners of the cup to fold the cup in half vertically. This one is a tricky fold to master, but it’s one of the best because it gives you a really narrow width to insert.

Both the Labia and 7 folds have the added advantage of having the rim of the cup folded downwards. This makes it really easy to feel if the cup hasn’t opened, because you’ll feel that ridge with your finger. And if it hasn’t opened, you can just nudge that rim up with your finger to open the cup.

This fantastic video gives really clear instructions to help you find a fold that works for you.

Is your cervix inside your cup once it’s inserted?

Your cervix is the point where your vagina opens into your uterus. It’s the opening where menstrual blood comes out during your period. In order for the cup to catch all your menstrual fluid, your cervix must be contained completely within the cup. Before you insert your cup, it’s worthwhile checking the position of your cervix. To do this, insert a finger into your vagina and feel for the top of your vagina. Your cervix feels like a little dimple, and has some resistance to it. Feel for something that has roughly the same resistance as the tip of your nose. This is your cervix.

You might notice that your cervix is off to one side, or tilted back rather than dead centre. That’s ok and totally normal. But you will need to take this into account and angle your cup accordingly to make sure that your cervix is inside the cup once it’s inserted.

Is your cup large enough for your body?

Most menstrual cup brands make their cups in two different sizes. This is done to accommodate variations in cervix size and vaginal depth. Generally, it’s advisable to purchase the larger of the two sizes if you have given birth. The reason for this is that after giving birth, the cervix tends to be softer and wider, and the vaginal canal may also be wider. This is true even if you didn’t have a vaginal birth, because the muscle contractions experienced during labour still dilate the cervix, even you didn’t end up pushing a baby through that opening.

Even if you haven’t given birth you may want to try a larger sized cup. This will help you to make sure that your cervix is fully contained inside the cup. Additionally, if you know that you have a heavier flow, a larger cup will accommodate that and make leaks less likely.

Is your cup firm enough for your body?

One thing a lot of people don’t really consider when shopping for a menstrual cup is how firm the cup is. Although all cups are made of silicone, silicone can range in texture from very soft to quite rigid, and cups come in a variety of levels of firmness. Many people prefer to buy a softer cup, because they believe it will be the most comfortable, but softer cups can be tricky to insert as well as being more prone to leaks.

If you have strong pelvic floor muscles, it’s really important that you choose a firmer cup to avoid leaks. During activities where your pelvic floor is engaged, such as during yoga, pilates, weightlifting or using the bathroom, your kegel muscles can squeeze your cup. If the cup is too soft, this squeezing might break the seal of the cup, and cause a leak. So if you know you have strong kegels, or you are very active and enjoy sports like yoga or pilates, a firmer cup might be a good choice.

It can be tricky to know how firm a cup is without feeling it. This is especially hard when you’re shopping online for cups. Luckily, the awesome folks at Put a Cup in It have created this fantastic table comparing the firmness of most of the popular cup brands.

Have you left the cup in for too long?

It’s perfectly safe to leave a menstrual cup in for up to eight hours. However, if you know that your flow is on the heavy side, you’re going to want to empty it much more frequently than that. Once you use your cup more, you’ll get to know how often you need to empty it in order to prevent leaks. But if you are leaking, then you might want to try emptying your cup more often.

Hopefully once you’ve run through all these tips, you’ll be able to put a stop to menstrual cup leaks. If you choose the right cup and use it correctly, leaks are very rare.

Do you have any further menstrual cup questions that you’d like answered? If you do, leave a comment down below. Also, if you have any other tips for preventing leaks, I’d love to hear them.

March 5, 2018 by nessbow

Coming too soon? Dealing with premature ejaculation.

I’m excited to be answering another question from a devoted reader today. I received a message from one of my single heterosexual male readers who is experiencing premature ejaculation. He’s feeling ashamed about this and is hesitant to initiate sex with new partners because he’s worried that he won’t be able to satisfy them or that they will think he’s bad in bed. I thought a lot about this and I can offer several suggestions for dealing with premature ejaculation and the shame that comes with it.

What is premature ejaculation?

The International Society for Sexual Medicine has defined premature ejaculation as “ejaculation which occurs before or within one minute of penetration”. However, popular opinion suggests that a lot of men consider premature ejaculation to be “coming too soon”. For some, they feel that reaching orgasm well before their partner does, or sooner than they’d like, is premature ejaculation. So it seems that while perhaps many people don’t fall within the medical definition of premature ejaculation, their expectations of how long they “should” be able to last colours their perceptions of their sexual ability.

Why is it a problem?

There are a few reasons why premature ejaculation is seen as an obstacle to great sex. Firstly, there’s the idea that sex = penis in vagina. And so if the “P in V” part of sex doesn’t last long, or if both partners aren’t satisfied during intercourse then we think that the sex was bad. Secondly, we are constantly presented with sex scenes in movies and television shows where a couple having sex falls into bed, rolls around a little and then orgasms in unison. So when our sexual responses don’t synch up with our partner’s, we feel like we’ve done something wrong. And finally, a lot of the time premature ejaculation is the punchline of jokes in movies, so there’s this idea that men who come early are losers.

In actual fact though, premature ejaculation doesn’t have to be a barrier to awesome sex. The way I see it, a lot of the time men feel like they’ve come to early when their body’s performance doesn’t match their expectations of how long they should be able to last in bed. And so there are two ways to tackle this issue: either change the way your body performs or change your expectations (or a combination of the two).

Change the main event

A huge part of anxiety about premature ejaculation comes from the fear that once ejaculation happens sex is over and one party is left unsatisfied. To overcome this idea, try switching up your perceptions of what “sex” entails. It doesn’t have to just be about penis in vagina. Expand your definition to include oral sex, mutual masturbation, kissing, humping and exploration. Once you no longer consider “sex” to be just about penetration, the need to last longer becomes less important.

Get your timing right

It’s a well established fact that women usually take a lot longer to reach climax than men do. The physical process of arousal tends to take up to three times longer for women, and actually reaching orgasm can take even longer. If you know that you’re a bit of a quick-draw, try spending more time on your partner’s pleasure before you begin penetrative sex. Use mouths, fingers or toys to bring your partner close to orgasm before you start boning. Then, once she’s ready and close, you can begin P in V sex. This closes the orgasm gap, making it a lot more likely that you’ll come in close succession.

Edge yourself

Some men have become conditioned to orgasm quickly from years of masturbating in secret, and trying to reach orgasm without getting caught. Just as we can train ourselves to speed up our sexual climax, it is possible to learn to slow it down.

One way to do this is with a technique called “edging”. To begin with, you want to masturbate on your own, ensuring that you have plenty of time and privacy. Masturbate until you are right on the edge of having an orgasm, and then stop touching yourself and breathe slowly until the intensity dies down. Then do it again, masturbate until you’re just about to come, then pull back from the edge. Do this a couple of times before you allow yourself to orgasm. And then try this exercise a couple of times a week. Don’t beat yourself up if you don’t manage to stop in time, just try again later.

This exercise does two things. Firstly, it makes you aware of what your sexual response cycle looks like. It gives you a clear picture of the signs that you are about to orgasm. And then secondly, it allows you to practice recognising those signs and controlling your orgasm. So when you are having penetrative sex, you will be better at noticing that you’re about to come and be aware of how to control your climax. Over time, this can help slow down your climaxes, as well as building your confidence in your own ability.

Have a rehearsal before the main performance

Remember the part in There’s Something About Mary where Ben Stiller jerks off prior to his big first date? Well, silly as that scene was, it actually had a valuable point. If you know that you’re going to be having sex later, it can be very helpful to give yourself an orgasm before you leave for your date. Not only will you be more relaxed, but typically men come most quickly the first time they have an orgasm within a 12 hour period, with each subsequent orgasm taking a bit longer to be reached. Having an early orgasm by yourself can draw out your stamina for a sexual encounter later in the night.

Wrap your junk

Condoms are a great tool for prolonging your orgasms. Not only are they vital for safer sex, but they can dampen sensation so you don’t get too aroused too quickly. Choose a thicker condom such as Lifestyles Extra Strength to reduce sensation and help you last longer. Don’t be tempted to wear two condoms at once for this purpose. During sex the two layers can rub against each other and this friction can cause tearing.

Diffuse the shame

Think about the way you talk to yourself about your sexual performance. Instead of thinking about your propensity to come quickly as a deficit, try thinking of ways to view it more positively. You are sexually enthusiastic! You’re passionate and easily excited. Reframe the way you talk to yourself about your performance and change the way you feel about yourself.

Talk it out

If you’re anxious about having sex with a partner because you’re worried that you’ll orgasm quickly, the best thing you can do is talk to them about it. Shame, stress and fear all play a role in premature ejaculation, and studies have shown that these emotions can make it more likely that you’ll orgasm faster than you’d like to. Fears thrive in darkness, and one of the best ways to deal with them is to shine a light on them. If you’re feeling anxious, tell your partner that you feel nervous and awkward. Mention that you’re worried that you’ll orgasm quickly and that they’ll think less of you if you do. Believe me when I tell you that most partners won’t be fazed by the prospect of a speedy climax, and will be able to reassure you. Plus, you’ll be able to decide what to do if it does happen, so you won’t feel so nervous about the possibility of impending disaster between the sheets. Communication is vital for good sex, and talking through your fears will solve about 95% of them. Your partner will also be charmed by your willingness to be honest and vulnerable with them.

Premature ejaculation happens to most men at some point in their lives and it really isn’t that big a deal. But if you’re feeling anxious or ashamed about your rapid climaxes, there are plenty of things you can do. Be gentle with yourself, be honest with your partner, and find new ways to express yourself and make your sex life amazing regardless of how long you last in bed.

February 19, 2018 by nessbow

How do I approach people online for fetish play?

Today’s post is quite exciting for me, because it represents something I’ve been itching to do for a while. I love helping people and providing sex education, and one way to do that is to answer questions that people ask about sex and sexuality. I recently had a reader write to me with a question, and although I replied privately, I also wanted to take this opportunity to address the subject on my blog so that all of you can read about it.

The reader who wrote to me is a heterosexual man who has a foot fetish. He is interested in finding female partners online who are interested in indulging his fetish by chatting and sending pictures. He wanted to know how he could go about finding receptive partners in a respectful way. I had a number of suggestions for him that I wanted to share with you. These don’t necessarily apply only to foot fetishists, but anyone who is online seeking partners for sexual or fetish play.

The mere thought of looking for partners for fetish play can be nerve-wracking. For starters, most fetishes are still looked upon with a degree of fear and many are misunderstood. A lot of people who have kinks also hold a lot of shame around those desires. Add to that the nerve-jangling fear of rejection and social anxiety and you get a kinkster who would prefer to cower in the corner than put themselves in the vulnerable position of looking for a play partner. Luckily, the internet has provided a multitude of options when it comes to looking for someone to explore with. But there are a few things to consider before you throw yourself in headfirst….

Choose your platform carefully

One of the biggest mistakes people make when searching for partners online is not looking in the right places. There are so many different social media platforms that allow us to connect with other people, but not all of these are ideal for finding partners to engage with sexually. Instagram and Facebook are fantastic for sharing pictures with your friends, but they’re not the place to trawl for people to play with. If you imagine the internet as a city, then Instagram and Facebook are like the public park. Just like people don’t go to the park looking for a hookup, most people aren’t using these sites to find sexual partners. Therefore, approaching strangers on Facebook or Instagram with requests for fetish play is likely to cause distress. You wouldn’t walk up to a strange woman at the park and demand that she shows you her genitals, so you shouldn’t message a stranger on Facebook asking the same.

On the other hand, there are a number of sites and apps that are filled with people who are actively looking for people to explore with. These are like the kink clubs, the singles bars and the hotspots in a real life city. If you look on these sites, you’re automatically off to a better start because you’re working with a pool of people who are open to meeting people to talk about kinks, who are interested in hooking up or online play. Fetlife is a great place to find like-minded individuals who share your fetishes. You can join groups devoted to particular kinks, find events nearby and make friends. Tinder is good if you’re looking for dates or hookups and dating sites are a good place to meet people who are interested in meeting potential partners. For fetish play though, I’d start with Fetlife to meet people who are interested in your specific kinks.

Treat people as whole, not just a collection of body parts.

When you send a message to a new friend or potential play partner online, it’s really important that you treat them like a whole person, not just as the life support system for the particular part you want to engage with. That’s objectification and it’s not cool. Rather than leading with a message that says “I want to see your feet, send me a picture” open with something a little more casual. Introduce yourself, ask what they’d like to be called and see if they’d be interested in chatting. Ask questions about them and answer their questions honestly. This helps your new friend to feel more comfortable and makes them much more receptive to a request for play when you offer one.

Respond to rejection gracefully

It’s likely that you’ll experience some rejection when you begin chatting with potential play partners. There are going to be people who are not interested in your particular kink, or who are not looking for someone to play with. Whatever their reason, if they do turn you down, accept it gracefully. Resist the urge to demand an explanation, call them names or plead with them to change their mind. Treat their “No” with respect and thank them for chatting with you.

Bring in a professional

If you’re not looking for an ongoing relationship, it might be worth bringing in a professional play partner to fulfil your fantasies. Many escorts, adult performers, pro-dommes and cam models specialise in fetish work. A bit of research online is likely to turn up a few professionals who will be able to indulge your kink and give you the play that you’re craving. This is especially true if the play you’re dreaming of is very specialised, unusual or requires particular equipment or training. In the case of a foot fetish, there are loads of camgirls and porn performers who will sell pictures of their feet to you, and many even sell their socks and stockings to their customers. If you’re shy about meeting people online, paying a professional can be a great option.

Finding play partners for fetishists can be a minefield. But the internet has given us so many avenues to search for likeminded people who may be interested in exploring with us. As long as you’re looking in the right places and treating people with respect and courtesy, you’ll be off to a great start and hopefully you’ll find that special someone who will share your erotic kinks.

Do you have any suggestions for meeting potential play partners online? If so, please feel encouraged to leave a comment.

January 31, 2018 by nessbow

How to avoid topping from the bottom

“Topping from the Bottom” refers to an instance in a BDsM scene where the submissive partner, or bottom, seeks to control the scene. It’s a frowned-upon practice in the BDsM community and a somewhat controversial topic. Today I wanted to unpack the idea of “Topping from the Bottom” and discuss some of the things I’ve found help to avoid it.

What does “Topping from the bottom” actually entail?

One of the reasons why it’s so difficult to discuss topping from the bottom is that there isn’t a universally agreed-upon definition of the kind of behaviour that it involves. What some dominants consider acceptable, others will be angered by. For example, some submissives indulge in “bratting” during a scene, where they refuse to do what their dominant orders until they are made to comply. For some people, bratting is part of their dynamic, and having the dominant “make” them submit is an important aspect of play. For other players, this type of behaviour is deeply disrespectful to the dominant.

So it’s difficult to say “X behaviour is topping from the bottom, while Y is not” because what is acceptable varies from person to person and scene to scene. There are a range of practices that might be considered topping from the bottom depending on the circumstances. But generally speaking, any instance where the submissive partner tries to manipulate play in a way that has not previously been agreed upon would constitute topping from the bottom.

Why does it matter so much?

Topping from the bottom is so frowned upon because it violates the power exchange that is the core of most BDsM scenes. Usually, when a scene takes place, the submissive party gives up some of their power and control to the dominant, who promises to look after them and drive the scene. For many dominants, when their submissive tops from the bottom, it can be seen as a declaration that they do not trust them. It can also be extremely frustrating for a dominant who has carefully planned a scene to have it disrupted by a submissive saying “No, use the red flogger, not the black one”. Planning and executing BDsM scenes is mentally and physically draining for a dominant, and it can feel like the submissive doesn’t appreciate that hard work and effort if they interrupt or manipulate the scene. At it’s core though, topping from the bottom is seen to matter because it means that the submissive has failed to carry out their role in the scene.

So, how can we avoid topping from the bottom?

Clear and comprehensive negotiation is the best way to avoid topping from the bottom. Negotiation is an important part of BDsM scenes, and there are a few things that should definitely be touched on to diffuse a situation that could give rise to topping from the bottom:

A lot of the time, when a submissive won’t submit or tries to manipulate a scene, it’s because they’re afraid. They’re worried that they might get hurt or that their dominant will harm them in some way. Discussing fears, phobias, triggers and limits is a vital part of negotiation and if the submissive party feels that they’ve been heard in this realm, they’re a lot more likely to be able to hand over the reigns to a Dom.
Sometimes, people have a very clear picture in their minds of how they want a scene to play out. Perhaps they have a particular fantasy that they’re trying to recreate, which means that certain details have to be just so. If you’re trying to do a fantasy role play scene, discussing these details and planning out how to achieve them beforehand can help.
Set out rules and limits that all parties agree upon as to what is acceptable during play. For example, if you know that you like to be a bit of a brat during a scene, speak up and decide if this is ok. Whatever works for you, just make sure that you’ve set out the rules for the scene clearly before you begin.
Finally, agree on a safeword or signal and decide what will happen if the safeword is called. Many submissives will have one safeword that means “Slow down and check in” and another that means “Stop right this second”. Both parties should commit to following the rules you set out for safewords.

– Trust is another important factor in BDsM in general, but it is a huge component in avoiding topping from the bottom. When a submissive feels secure in their relationship with the dominant, and they are confident of their top’s abilities, it’s so much easier to put themselves in that person’s hands:

Build up scenes slowly over time. Don’t leap right into a suspension rope scene or heavy impact play with a new partner. Start with something simple, a light spanking scene or some scarf bondage and build up to the heavy stuff. Each time you navigate a new scene or type of play with your partner, your trust in them will grow. Start out with play that involves a small exchange of power, and work towards the big, complicated power dynamics as your trust grows.
Talk about your individual skills and abilities, and don’t commit to doing scenes that are beyond your comfort or skill level.
Debrief after the scene is over. Once everyone is feeling calm and you’ve done your aftercare, have a conversation about how things went, what was good and what could be better next time.

There is a lot of introspective work that goes into BDsM. A huge amount of time goes into soul searching and self evaluation

Be very honest with yourself about your personal limits and desires. And then be unwavering on your limits when negotiating a scene. Don’t agree to participate in play that you aren’t comfortable with. That way, you won’t be put in a situation where you’re afraid and anxious and trying to manipulate play to protect your ego.
Commit to your role in the scene. If you’re in the submissive role, your job is to submit. Even if you’re a brat or you resist, your ultimate role is to submit and do as you’re told. And if you don’t want to do that…then maybe BDsM play isn’t for you. Or maybe you’d be better off in the dominant role.
If you’re a submissive, it’s very normal to experience resistance to submission. Even when I trust my partner and I’ve given my full consent, I still experience moments where Sir will tell me to do something and I hesitate. In these moments I’ve learned to have a quiet word with myself, to remind myself that I trust my partner and that He has a plan for the scene. I remember that He knows what He’s doing and that Sir would never harm me. Reminding myself of those facts helps me to relax and give myself over when anxiety or fear creep in during a scene.
Manage your own expectations. This is particularly important if you’re doing a fantasy role play, because fantasies rarely translate perfectly into reality. When you let go of the need for the scene to go exactly the way you pictured in your head, it makes it easier to resist the urge to micromanage it.

Topping from the bottom is a very tricky topic to discuss, because it can mean many things to different people. But ultimately it’s about a submissive who is either unwilling or unable to surrender and submit. And I believe that honest communication and slow building of trust will go a long way to allowing that submissive to let go and hand control over to their dominant. It’s not easy to submit, but once you’ve established that safety and trust, it’s so much easier to release your grip and just enjoy the ride.

Do you have any tips on how to avoid topping from the bottom? Or any questions about BDsM scenes and negotiation? If you do, please leave a comment below.

Nessbow

Passion, geekery and fun: it's all in a day's work!

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