Author: nessbow

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What I wore: Headless Horsemen and harem pants

Sleepy Hollow is one of my favourite Halloween stories.  It also happens to be my favourite Tim Burton movie.  I never get tired of watching Johnny Depp as Ichabod Crane, attempting to use logic and science to solve the mystery of a Headless Horseman that defies all reason.  The highlight of the movie for me is Christopher Walken as The Headless Horseman, with his filed-down teeth and crazed eyes.  Today I chose to pay tribute to Mr Walken with my awesome Christopher Walken cameo necklace.

I am wearing:

  • Christopher Walken necklace from Lost at Sea Accessories
  • Taupe “Mimic” jumper (knitted by me)
  • Black bamboo long-sleeved tee shirt from Uniqlo
  • Black harem pants (thrifted)
  • Leopard print loafers from Target
  • Floral painted bangle (thrifted)
  • Onxy ring (thrifted)
  • “Love” script ring (thrifted)
  • Derek Cardigan glasses from Clearly


I chose to pair my Walken necklace with this Mimic jumper that I knitted for myself.  I am so proud of this jumper as it was a fairly challenging pattern for me and it turned out really well.  I was hesitant to make it because I tend not to wear short-sleeved knits very often.  But I’m pleased that I did because it’s comfortable and very easy to wear.  I love the wide neckline and the asymmetrical hem.  I think I’ll probably make another one in a different shade at some point.

I kept my other accessories fairly earthy and relaxed.  I love this pretty floral-painted bangle that I got from the thrift store for $1.  I don’t wear bangles often because they clang against my keyboard while I’m working and get in the way.  But this one is really lightweight and isn’t as bothersome as some of the larger bangles I own.

I wore this outfit for a morning of writing and blog work, and then an afternoon watching horror movies with David.

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Doms or Subs: who works harder?

BDsM is largely about power exchanges.  Whether you’re into bondage, discipline, role play, impact play, service submission or any other facet of BDsM, chances are your play involves one party giving some or all of their power to the other party.  And a lot of work goes into making that power exchange happen successfully.  The question is: who does the work?

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I hear often that Dominants have the harder end of the deal in D/s relationships.  They have to plan and execute scenes.  They work hard to hone their skills and look after another person. All the submissive has to do is follow orders and enjoy the pleasure that comes with pain.  And with that, submissives cry out “we work hard too!”.  A submissive is tasked with looking after their top, obeying and following orders and being on the receiving end of some intense physical treatment.  Within the D/s dynamic, there is a kind of push-and-pull between work and pleasure.

 

So who does the work in a D/s relationship or scene?  The answer is far from simple.

 

Let’s start by looking at Dominants.  A Dominant’s role comes with a lot of responsibility.  Depending on the type of relationship they have, they may need to set tasks and rules for their submissive. This includes following up to make sure that these rules are being adhered to and dole out punishment as required.  Although the Dominant is being served, it is up to them to decide how they wish to be served and monitor the execution of that service.  They have to play an active role in training their submissive to do things just they way they want them.

 

Even if your D/s relationship exists only in the bedroom, the Top has to plan and execute the scene each time you play.  Creating a scene is no simple task, and requires a huge amount of thought into the mood that is to be created, the psychological journey the submissive will be taken on, the intensity of play and safety precautions.  Sunny Megatron has likened it to building a rollercoaster: you have to create the climbs, the turns and the dizzying drops. You have to craft an experience that has rhythm and plays with emotion and builds to a pinnacle before the ride ends.  In addition to that planning, the Dominant also has to carry out the scene, which can require a lot of concentration, control and physical skill.

 

There can be no doubt that the Dominant in any D/s dynamic works very hard to create and maintain the dynamic.  However, that doesn’t mean that the submissive party just lies back and enjoys the attention.  Being a submissive is difficult.  Again, the exact work a submissive does depends on the specific relationship.  If you’re a service submissive, then you have to do a lot of dirty work, such as cleaning house, cooking for your master or mistress, grooming them and presenting yourself in a particular way. But submission is a lot more than just blindly following orders.  Not only do you have to remember and execute the instructions your Dominant has given you, but a good service submissive will also be anticipating their needs.  Providing those small, special touches that make their day smoother and more pleasant. Service submission is both mentally and physically taxing.

 

When it comes to play, the submissive party hardly just “lies back and enjoys” what’s being done to them.  Any kind of pain play takes a physical and emotional toll.  You have to work to process the pain and use it before it will be pleasurable.  If you’re into bondage, you have to learn to be placed in uncomfortable positions sometimes, to be bound and gagged, to be caged even.  In addition to all that, you’re working to conquer your own fears, to trust in your Top and let yourself go.  That’s not easy to do, even when you know that you’re safe and being well cared for.

 

Obedience also takes practice and effort to master.  It’s very difficult to bite down on your inner voice and trust that what your Dominant asks of you is right.  It takes effort to learn to serve well and obediently, particularly if you are a strong-willed person outside of your dynamic. Submission takes a lot of work.

 

It seems apparent that both Dominant and submissive parties work hard in a D/s relationship.  Aside from the individual duties there is the collaborative work that they do together, negotiating limits, discussing needs and revisiting old rules and protocols.  D/s is a difficult dynamic to do successfully, and it takes a lot of work on either side of the slash.

 

If you’re not personally enticed by the idea of dominance and submission, you might be reading this and thinking “This all looks like so much work!  Why would anyone want to take on a relationship of that kind?”  And the simplest answer I can give is that for many, the work involved in a D/s relationship is worth it for the joy the relationship brings.  A Dominant might relish the planning and execution of a scene because doing so brings them a sense of happiness, because they enjoy playing with their submissive and revelling in that sense of control. Just like some people love building Lego models or writing short stories, a Dominant enjoys crafting scenes.  They’re willing to take on the responsibility of training a submissive because it makes them happy.  And a submissive might be honoured to serve their Dominant, even if it means a difficult training process or having to wrestle with their own inner voice a hundred times a day.  It’s worth it to make that person’s life easier and brighter. For many, service is calming and an act of love.  And taking a beating or having wax poured on your flesh or being tied up is a gateway to amazing pleasure. It’s worthwhile moving through that pain to experience the pleasure on the other side.

 

Dominance and submission each come with a unique set of responsibilities and duties.  As D/s relationships are tremendously varied, so too are the kinds of work that each individual person may have to do.  But I think it’s fair to say that neither party works harder than the other.  But like so many difficult things in life, if it’s something that you truly want, that you truly enjoy, the hard work is worth it.  Often, the work wont’ feel like work, or will be more manageable by virtue of the happiness it brings with it.

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What I wore: Sick Sad World

I count down to the beginning of October every year.  I like to celebrate Halloween for a full month, and as soon as the calendar flips over to October first, I’m in full-on spooky mode. I get out all my favourite horror movies, flip over to my goth playlist and start working some creepy elements into my wardrobe.

I couldn’t resist wearing this Sick Sad World tee shirt to ring in October.  I love the green spiral detail and the creepy eye peering out from the centre. The fact that it’s an homage to one of my all-time favourite cartoons, Daria, is just icing on the cake.

I am wearing:

  • Sick Sad World tee shirt from Pulp Kitchen
  • Green skater skirt from Princess Highway
  • Diana Ferrari ballet flats (thrifted)
  • Black tights from Target
  • Vintage striped scarf
  • Opal earrings from my grandmother
  • Green beaded necklace from Chapel Street Bazaar
  • Vintage cocktail ring from Faye Bella

I wore this outfit to go grocery shopping, work on some writing and have a coffee date with my boyfriend’s mum.

Do you do Halloween-themed outfits? What do you like to wear when the spooky season rolls around?

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OMG Yes: Putting Pleasure into Practice

I have a confession to make: I very rarely masturbate using my hands.  For a long time I felt ashamed at the idea of touching my vulva with my hands. I was self-conscious of the way my genitals looked and the thought of exploring them grossed me out.  Whenever I’d consider trying to masturbate with my fingers, my shame and fear of my own body stopped me.

When I finally began to work through the overwhelming shame I’d carried regarding my vulva, it felt important to me to show that part of my body some love and pleasure.  I wanted to have some skin-on-skin contact with that most intimate area and show myself how powerful and beautiful it could be.  I tried masturbating manually many, many times.  But it didn’t do much for me.  It was like trying to tickle myself.  If a partner touched me it felt wonderful, but the exact same touch with my own fingers was just…nothing.  I gave up trying to use my hands to bring myself to orgasm and instead resigned myself to enjoying toys.

Now, there’s nothing at all wrong with using toys to masturbate.  Finding pleasure in this way isn’t at all inferior to using your hands.  Every body is different and everyone enjoys different types of touch.  But I always felt a little bit sad that I wasn’t able to give myself that ecstatic touch with my own fingers.

A few months ago, I became aware of a website called OMG Yes, which is set up to teach people with vulvas how to find pleasure, masturbate and reach orgasm.  The OMG Yes team have done extensive research into the specific techniques and methods that are most successful to bring pleasure and orgasm to people with vulvas.  This research has been carefully condensed into a comprehensive tutorial system, which is available on the OMG Yes website.  I wrote to OMG Yes and they very kindly gave me special access to the site to learn, experiment and eventually review.

I eagerly logged on to the OMG Yes website ready to learn.  As a sex geek, I was very eager to check it out.  The research team collected data from over 2,000 participants to investigate the specific techniques that real people use to find pleasure.  It is the first research of it’s kind in the world.  It’s detailed, it’s unabashed and it’s very, very specific.

My first impression of the website was that it was very clean and easy to navigate.  The landing page offers a range of techniques for you to explore.  When you’ve chosen a technique, it walks you through precisely what the technique involves, how to perform the technique on yourself or your partner and some suggestions for how you can experiment with this technique to see if it works for your body.  Each page features a combination of written material, pictures and video interviews with actual people (not actors) discussing how they masturbate.  You can also select a range of different language options, which is fantastic.  I thought it was brilliant that the information was presented in so many different ways.  Everyone learns differently, and it was awesome to see that there was a mix of written and spoken lessons to appeal to a variety of users.  The variety of formats also helped me to really absorb the lessons, because I felt like I was able to look at each technique from different angles, and didn’t get bogged down in a lot of reading or zone out watching endless instructional videos.

The videos were something that I found deeply impressive. Each one features an interview with a real-life participant.  There is a huge range in age, body type and ethnic backgrounds which is beautiful to see.  The thing that floored me was how explicit each interview was.  These videos do not hold back, they do not skirt around the issue and they do not leave you questioning.  They are very specific, telling you exactly how to do each technique.  The subject of each video uses their own words to tell you exactly where to touch, for how long, what pressure to use and how to know if it’s working for you.  Each video shows the participant using the technique on their own body.  And then…you get to try it for yourself.

Each module has a practical component which absolutely blew my mind.  At the end of each module, you load a screen which shows the participant’s vulva, up close and personal.  You then use your finger on the screen to touch their genitals and practice the technique you’ve just learned.  The website responds to your touch and movement, giving you very specific feedback.  It will tell you to slow down, speed up, move a little to the left.  And it tells you when you’re doing well.  This part of the tutorial process was groundbreaking for me.  It’s one thing to read about these techniques or hear someone describe them, but to actually be able to use a real-time simulator to practice is incredible. At first it was a little bit disconcerting to be playing with a stranger’s virtual vulva, but after a while I relaxed and actually felt proud of myself every time I successfully performed each technique.

One thing that struck me as I worked through the different modules was that while each of the vulvas featured had the same parts, they all varied tremendously in colour, size, configuration, hairiness and detail.  All were different, all were beautiful.  It made me feel so validated to see such a spectrum of vulvas, and know that each one belonged to a real person who had contributed to this world-first study.  It made me feel less ashamed about the appearance of my own genitals, and more willing to touch and explore them.

When it came time to put the techniques I’d learned into practice on my own body, I was excited and open-minded.  I was prepared for it to be a bit of a journey, and didn’t expect that I’d instantly find pleasure.  After a few tries and a bit of experimentation, I had my first ever hands-on orgasm with my own fingers.  I felt so powerful and proud of myself.  I found that what worked best for me was taking the techniques I’d learned, trialling each one, seeing what felt good and then moving towards that pleasure.  I had to be adaptable and not get hung up on doing each technique precisely how I’d learned it on the simulator. Every body is different, and I needed to find what worked for me.  And once I did, it was amazing.

I was blown away by OMG Yes.  I think it’s an incredible tool that taught me so much about my own body and gave me some real, practical things to experiment with.  It took away so much shame I had around exploring my own genitals and replaced it with power, knowledge and agency over my own pleasure.

OMG Yes offers permanent access to the website with a one-off payment.  At present, it costs $49 to access the website.  This money goes towards the funding of further research into women’s pleasure, and additional lessons will be added based on the data collected.  If you’re feeling ashamed, or struggling with finding pleasure in your own body, OMG Yes could be an awesome resource for you.  This isn’t someone peddling a fix-it-all pill with a side helping of guilt.  This is a beautiful collection of stories and lessons based on real research.  OMG Yes offers information, guidance and power. There is no shame, no guilt and no embarrassment. Just frank, honest data and well-presented tutorials.

I’d heartily recommend OMG Yes for anyone who is interested in learning more about their vulva, anyone who wants to work towards healing shame or is feeling stuck around finding pleasure.  I think it’s perfect for sex geeks who want to find some new ways to enjoy their own body or explore with a partner. It’s a well-presented, deeply informative resource that will expand your knowledge about vulvas and how they work.

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Life update: Moving to Ballarat

It’s been a while since I did a personal update post and a lot has been changing in my life so I thought it would be a good time to touch base with you and share what’s been going on.

 

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My partner, David, and I celebrated our two-and-a-half year anniversary this month.  We met online and have spent the last couple of years dating long distance.  I feel like long distance relationships have a bit of a bad reputation.  Yes, it’s very hard to date someone that doesn’t live close to you.  It takes a lot of planning and trust and communication and compromise.  But I also think long distance relationships are great.  They give you a chance to maintain your own space and life while still getting to know someone special.  Long distance forces you to get very good at communication and it makes you truly appreciate the time you have with your significant other.  The past two and a half years with David have been awesome.  We’ve grown so close and he makes me incredibly happy.  I finally feel like I’ve met someone that I really connect with, someone who gets me and shares the same values.  And we always have tremendous fun when we’re together.

 

Although I enjoy long distance relationships, ultimately I don’t think they’re sustainable long term.  Eventually, you have to close that gap.  And this year David and I decided that we were ready to do that.  We talked a lot about who would move to be closer to whom, and it didn’t take long for me to decide that I wanted to be the one to relocate.

 

It’s been six years since I left Melbourne to return to my hometown of Benalla.  Those six years were both awesome and tough on a soul-destroying level.  Within two years of moving home, my ten-year relationship ended, my Nana passed away and I lost my job.  I was grateful that all this happened while I was at home and close to my family.  I worked hard and rebuilt myself, creating a life that suited me so much better than the one I had before.  I enjoyed living on my own, I loved my little flat and I was very happy in my full-time job.  But I was ready for a new challenge.

David lives in Ballarat, a beautiful city in Victoria.  It’s about three hours away from Benalla. I’d never visited Ballarat before I met David, and at the same time I was falling in love with him, I began to fall in love with this city.  I’ve described Ballarat before as “a city with a small-town feel”.  It’s a moderately sized city with several suburbs. It has a rich history and there are a lot of historical buildings and elements woven into the city.  The fact that it’s so sprawling, that there are so many areas of natural beauty and lots of old buildings makes it easy to forget that Ballarat is a city.  I adore that beautiful juxtaposition of having all the amenities of a city, while feeling relaxed and at home.  It wasn’t hard for me to decide that I wanted to live in Ballarat.

 

I had made up my mind that I’d start looking for a flat here in July, with a view to leaving Benalla when my lease ran out in August.  I found the perfect flat just two weeks after beginning my search, and my application was accepted within hours of submission.  After signing that lease I felt my plan crystallise, knowing that it was official, that I really would be leaving Benalla behind and moving away from home again.

 

Moving was exciting but also tremendously hard.  I quit my full time job and I was very sad to leave my office behind.  I’d been very happy in that role and I learned so much in the years I worked there.  I met some incredible people in that office and it was bittersweet to tell them that I was leaving.  I had to move away from a flat that felt like mine, the place where I’d remade myself and where I’d spent some of my happiest days.  And most difficult of all, I had to leave my parents, who I’d gotten used to being only a few minutes away from.  Moving away from them has been the hardest thing to get used to.

 

The move went amazingly smoothly and I now feel pretty settled in my new flat.  It’s much smaller than the place I lived before.  I’ve gone from a generous two-bedroom flat with a massive backyard to a modest one-bedroom flat with no outdoor area to speak of.  I’d been concerned that I’d feel cramped but this place actually feels like the perfect size for me.  I realised that I almost never entered my spare room, that it was mostly used to store rubbish I wasn’t using.  I have been trying to embrace a more minimalistic lifestyle lately, so downsizing my home felt like a good step.  I also abhor yard work, so not having a massive garden to tend to has been a huge relief.

 

Of course, moving has meant getting to spend a lot more time with David.  And that is the best part of all.  It’s been challenging transitioning from a long-distance relationship to a more traditional relationship, but I’ve felt awesome being able to share more with him and move forward in our relationship. This is a huge step, but it’s one that needed to be made and it was definitely the right thing to do.  He makes me so happy and it’s been such a treat to see him so often and share more of my life with him.

 

I’m still settling in and exploring my new city.  I’ve been going on lots of expeditions, looking for new op-shops, restaurants and hangouts.  I’m still looking for a job and I’m hoping to go back to school at some time in the near future.  But there’s plenty of time for all that and things are unfolding at the perfect pace.  I feel proud of myself for making this difficult leap, and excited to see what the future holds now that the move is done and dusted.

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Product review: Rechargeable Randy Wand from Randy Fox

I love a good wand vibrator. Wands are a great all-purpose toy that can be used on a range of different body parts. They also tend to be quite powerful, which I enjoy.  So when Randy Fox sent me their Rechargeable Randy Wand to review, I was delighted.

The package arrived on my doorstep just a few days after our email exchange.  It was a discreet, white post box with no hint that it contained a sex toy.  Upon opening the box, I discovered the Randy Wand was not quite what I had expected.

Firstly, it was a lot smaller than I’d imagined.  When I think of wand vibrators, my mind instantly conjures up images of the Hitachi or Doxy wands, which are massive.  This wand was positively petite in comparison to those.  I like wand vibrators because they cover a wide surface area and give really diffuse vibration, rather than focusing on one spot.  I was dubious whether this wand was actually large enough to give that kind of wide-spread stimulation that wands are famous for. Upon trying the toy, I can conclude that it doesn’t really give that diffuse vibration quality, and is a lot more pinpointed than a traditional wand.

The second reason I was surprised was that the colour of the wand looks quite a bit different in person to what is pictured on the website.  The picture on the Randy Fox website is a bright orchid purple.  But the wand I received is more of a hot pink/magenta shade.  This isn’t a big deal to me, but if you’re fussy about the colour of your sex toys, you might be surprised by the difference between the picture on the website and the actual toy.

When I took the toy out of it’s wrapping, I sighed with delight.  The Randy Wand is covered in the soft, velvety silicone that I love.  It feels wonderful against the skin, glides easily with the application of lube and it’s body safe.  It’s the kind of silicone you usually see on luxury vibrators, but at a fraction of the price.

The design of the toy is quite different to other wand vibrators that I’ve tried.  Besides being smaller, the Randy Wand is a lot more flexible.  The handle curves down at an angle, so it’s really ergonomic and makes it very easy to direct the head of the toy where you want it. The buttons are high up on the handle, which means that you’re unlikely to inadvertently hit one during play.  The buttons are well positioned and are easy to press.  The curved portion of the toy is very bendy and flexes with even the slightest pressure.  On the one hand, this makes it a really good vibrator to use if you’re moving around a lot, because you won’t be painfully mashing the toy into your genitals as you thrust.  It moves with your body, making it a good partner to couples play.  On the other hand, it makes it very difficult to manage the toy if you like a lot of pressure on your genitals.  Whenever I’d try to apply a bit more pressure, the toy would bend, and move away from the spot I wanted to stimulate.  It was like trying to dial a telephone with a spaghetti noodle.  I ended up just cupping the head with my fingers and holding it to my clitoris without using the handle at all.

The vibration quality of this toy is on the buzzy side.  The vibrations don’t penetrate as deeply as I’d like, and my fingers tend to go numb after using this toy for an extended period.  I tend to associate wand vibrators with rumbly vibrations, so this was a bit of a disappointment.  What was more disappointing were the vibration patterns. The Randy Wand boasts 30 vibration modes.  Now, with most vibrators, the first three modes are Low, Medium and High and then there are a range of pulses and patterns.  The Randy Wand only has one vibration speed, and then the rest of the modes are patterns.  I tend not to use patterns, and it’s very frustrating to me to have only one speed to choose from.  I’d like to be able to nudge the vibrations up a notch when I’m getting close to orgasm.  Unfortunately with this toy, when I tried to do that I was presented with a smorgasbord of patterns, none of which were satisfying to me.  What was more frustrating was that to get back to the solid vibration setting, you have to cycle through all 30 modes with a single button.  The icing on the cake was that there are several modes that feature a period of solid vibration, followed by a sudden stop, then more solid vibration.  So I’d think “Finally, I’ve found the right setting”, and settle in to pleasure myself only to have the vibe shut off ten seconds later, and then buzz back to life.  It was infuriating.  I lost several orgasms that way because my clit was tricked into thinking I’d found the one solid setting, only to have the vibrations be cruelly taken away.  It was like the vibrator was taunting me.

On the plus side, it is a very quiet vibrator.  The noise level of this toy is very low which makes it great if you have roommates or are distracted by loud vibrations.

Overall I feel that the Rechargeable Randy Wand wasn’t a good fit for me.  If you prefer a lighter touch and enjoy vibration patterns then this might be a great toy for you.  However, I felt that the bendy handle made the toy difficult to control and the vibration patterns were unsatisfying to me.  If Randy Fox made a more rigid version with the traditional low/medium/high setting then I’d be all over it.  But for me, this wand wasn’t as magical as I’d hoped.

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What I Wore: Brogues and bicycles

I recently purchased a bicycle to use as a mode of transport after my move.  I live in a sweet suburb that is, unfortunately, not terribly close to any shopping centres.  I thought that the bicycle would be a great way to save money on public transport and also get some exercise.  Sadly, I’ve come to realise that my fitness level for bike-riding is pretty woeful, so I’ve had to work on building up my stamina.  This has meant scheduling in regular rides around the neighbourhood and also finding some cute bike-friendly attire.  Today’s outfit was one such ensemble.

I am wearing:

  • Red vintage cardigan (thrifted)
  • White button-down shirt from Target
  • Grey wool vintage trousers (thrifted)
  • Black patent brogues (thrifted)
  • Mrs Doubtfire pin from Amy Blue Illustration
  • Fox pin from Old English Co.
  • Niffler pin from Hannah Hitchman
  • Emerald ring (belonged to my great aunt)
  • Swarovski crystal stud earrings (belonged to my grandmother)


These brogues are a new addition to my wardrobe.  I have been on the lookout for a great pair of brogues since my old black and white pair bit the dust a few years ago.  I spotted these at the Red Cross shop on one of my first jaunts into town after my move to Ballarat and I just had to have them. They’re super comfortable and I suspect that I’ll be wearing them quite a lot.

This was a pretty dapper outfit to go bicycling in.  I rode to the second hand store, but didn’t find anything that took my fancy.  The ride there was easy but the ride home was a bit of a struggle.  Ah well, I guess I’ll just have to keep at it and before I know it I’ll be biking everywhere.