Introducing a partner to your kink

No two people are alike, and no two people have the same kinks.  Unless you and your partner are both expert kinksters, chances are that there will be things you’re each into that the other has never tried. There might come a time when your partner is willing to delve into one of your.  If you’ve been tasked with introducing a partner to an area of BDsM or sexplay that they’ve never tried before, there are a few things you ought to remember.

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Photo by Dazzle Jam on

Don’t pretend to be an expert

When you’re teaching someone about something new, there’s a temptation to pretend you’re an expert on the subject.  It makes perfect sense why this happens.  When a person has entrusted you with introducing them to something new and potentially intimidating, we want to seem authoritative and assured.  And if the student is someone you have feelings for, you probably also want to impress them.  But unless you truly are an expert in this particular kink, it’s really important to be honest about your knowledge and experience level.  If you try to seem more knowledgeable than you are, you run the risk of giving out the wrong information. You also might wind up hurting your partner if you try something you don’t really know how to do.

Instead of taking on the role of Expert, why not try exploring the topic together?  Tell your partner what you do know and then venture forward as a team to fill the gaps in your knowledge. Take some classes, read some books and articles and share what you’ve learned.  Not only will your partner get a really good grounding for exploring this new kink, but you’ll expand your knowledge and perhaps enhance your own experience.

Communicate honestly

Communication is the key to good sex and kink play.  If you’re going to explore something new, you need to set aside time to discuss it in detail, to set limits and answer questions.  It’s incredibly important that this communication is done with honesty and integrity.  You have to be prepared to get vulnerable and talk in depth about your darkest desires, your limitations and your fears.  This is an opportunity to get to know one another even better, and to share something very intimate.  Go into the communication with an open heart and don’t hold back.

On the flipside, your partner needs to be able to tell you their fears and limits, and has to be able to trust that their questions will be answered thoughtfully and honestly.  Don’t be tempted to tell a lie or soften the truth if you think the answer will change your partner’s mind about exploring this kink.  They deserve your candor so that they can make an informed choice.  Maintaining honesty in communication will also build trust, which is a vital ingredient in kink.


Be patient

It’s exciting when a partner shows interest in one of our favourite kinks.  Suddenly we see the door opening to the possibility of being able to share this special activity or fetish with someone we love.  We can easily become too eager, wanting to race straight ahead to elaborate scenes and play.  Your partner might be just as keen to get down to playing, or they might need a little bit of time before they’re ready.  It’s one thing to talk about doing something, but it can be a whole other thing to actually do it.  It’s really important to give your partner time to catch up, to process the things they’re learning and feel ready to begin exploring the kink in practice.  Make sure that you keep your excitement in check, and don’t push your partner to try things before they’re truly ready.


Respect their limits.

It’s vital from the start that you clarify what your partner’s limits are around this kink.  Is it something they are enthusiastic about putting into practice?  Are they hesitant to actually do a scene with this kink, but might be willing to dip a toe in the water after some exploration?  Are they interested in gaining theoretical knowledge only?  Establish these limits from the beginning, and be prepared for them to change. Your partner may find that talking about the kink really lights a passion within them and they become just as eager to play as you are.  Or they might decide with time that they find it too confronting and aren’t comfortable exploring any further.  Whatever they decide, you must respect their choice. It’s not Ok to try to convince them to go further than they’re comfortable with, no matter how badly you want to share this experience with them.


It’s a beautiful thing to be able to introduce someone to a new kink or way of playing, especially if it’s something you’re personally passionate about.  The mere possibility of sharing your kink with someone you love is titillating, and feels like a chance to show a hidden part of your soul.  And while this enthusiasm is fantastic, it needs to be kept in check so that your partner doesn’t feel pressured or intimidated.  Be honest, stay curious and take things slow.

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