This past Valentines Day, I chose to treat myself to some sex toys.  I had been eyeing off the Doc Johnson Wonderland range of vibrators for months, and when Wild Secrets had them on sale, I snapped up The Pleasurepillar and The Mystical Mushroom.  When they arrived I could barely contain my glee.  I ripped into the packaging and was floored with wonder.

I was so impressed with the packaging of these vibrators.  The level of detail and sturdiness is akin to what you would find wrapped around a luxury vibrator.  Each toy came packaged in a hard box with a slipcover.  When the cover was slid away, it revealed a gorgeous gold-embossed letter W and the word “Wonderland”.  The boxes have a magnetic closure and the toys were safely nestled inside a perfectly-shaped foam case.  These cases are small enough to use as travel cases to stop your toys switching on in your luggage, or simply for storing your vibrators when not in use.

As if the packaging wasn’t gorgeous enough, the appearance of the toys themselves was breathtaking.  The colours are fantastic, and this line features shades not often seen in the realm of sex toys.  The Mystical Mushroom is a deep royal purple and the Pleasurepillar is a charming turquoise.  The shapes are also unique and exactly what drew me to the toys in the first place.

The Mystical Mushroom features a rounded nub surrounded by a flared disc to look like a mushroom.  It has a lot of interesting textured grooves. I imagined that the tip would be ideal for pinpointed clitoral stimulation, while the rounded edges could feel wonderful against my labia.  I had a different idea in mind for the Pleasurepillar.  I had hoped that it’s hooked end would make it a great G-spot toy, and I imagined that the bumps and bubbles along the shaft would feel excellent during thrusting.

My excitement grew as I pulled the toys from their cases.  Each one is made from a buttery soft silicone.  They feel incredibly smooth to the touch and have very little drag.  This silicone is of the kind of quality I’ve only seen on high-end sex toys, and is so impressive on a mid-range vibrator.  Sadly, the packaging, appearance and texture of these toys are not an indication of how well they perform.

The Wonderland toys are battery operated.  This can often be a stumbling point, as battery operated toys often lack power and you have to worry about having extra batteries on hand during play time.  I’ve had a few battery operated toys that pack a real wallop, but sadly these two vibrators fall flat.  The vibrations are extremely buzzy and don’t feel good against my skin.  During use, they feel more like an annoying itch and tickle than a pleasurable rumble.  Even on the highest setting, I had to really press the toys into my clit to get any real sensation.

While the shape of the toys has great potential in theory, in practice they really miss the mark. The Pleasurepillar was particularly disappointing in this regard, as it was just too short to hit my G-spot squarely.  And once inserted, the vibrations were even further dampened.  It was also very difficult to manipulate the Pleasurepillar for thrusting, as the toy doesn’t really have enough length to allow for a good grip during internal use.

I was also utterly frustrated with the placement of the power button. It is located right on the end of the toy.  This means that it’s incredibly easy to inadvertently push it during play, switching the vibration patterns and ruining your flow.

The vibration patterns were another source of consternation for me.  Each of these toys features ten vibration patterns and three vibration strengths.  This was a huge drawcard for me, but again it fell over in the execution.  For starters, when the toy is switched on, it starts on the highest vibration pattern.  You then click the single button to cycle down to a medium vibration, then again for a low vibration, and then you cycle through the patterns.  Now, when I use a vibrator, I tend to use it on the lowest setting to get warmed up, then slowly ramp up the intensity as I approach orgasm.  I don’t know anyone who goes in the other direction.  And the vibration patterns are varied and interesting, but the lack of power makes them almost indistinguishable on my clitoris.  As far as my clit is concerned, the patterns are just a bland series of flutters and blips.

As a final insult, these toys are an absolute bitch to clean.  The ridges and bumps on the Mystical Mushroom are just a lodging-place for lube and fluid and require scrubbing to get really clean.  Additionally, these toys are only splashproof and can’t be submerged, which makes cleaning even more frustrating.

I was so disappointed with the Wonderland toys.  The packaging and appearance were on point, but the performance was sub-par.  I wish that Doc Johnson would make a more powerful version of these toys, maybe with a bigger shaft.  I would love these shapes and that gorgeous silicone in a toy that actually had enough power to make playtime pleasurable, rather than an exercise in sexual frustration.