I was slightly stunned last week when I realised that it’s been nearly three years since the end of my most serious relationship. That breakup ripped me up in the worst possible way. I’ve never felt quite so adrift as I did in the weeks and months following that event. But as horrible life events often are, my breakup was a real learning experience. At the risk of sounding utterly trite, I learned so much about myself and about love from the aftermath of that breakup. And now that I’ve had time to reflect upon it, I’d like to share some of those hard-earned insights with you.
There is no such thing as “The One”
For years I hung onto the idea that there was a single person out there for everyone. I think it comes from being raised in a family with two happily-married parents, with happily married grandparents and aunts and uncles who have long and happy marriages. In addition to my home environment, pop culture was also a guiding force in my firm belief in “The One”. And for a very long time I believed that my then-boyfriend was The One. And when that relationship ended I felt utterly shattered because that’s not what’s supposed to happen. I worried whether I was wrong about him being my Person. Or if he was my Person and that meant that I didn’t get another One.
After a lot of reflection and dating, I’ve come to the conclusion that The One is a myth. There will always be people who are so compatible that you believe that the two of you were made for one another. And for some people, that feeling comes only once in a lifetime. Some people find it multiple times. And some people don’t find it, or perhaps aren’t interested in romance. I truly believe that my ex-boyfriend was The One for me from the ages 17 through 27. But after that we were no longer compatible. And I believe that I’ll get to have that feeling again.
Sometimes the best thing you can do is tear everything down and start fresh
After our final fight, I left and found a flat for me and my two cats. I had almost no furniture because I’d sold most of my shitty second-hand stuff when I’d moved in with my boyfriend. So I spent many, many nights in a very empty flat feeling alone, bereft and very sorry for myself.
After a long period of wallowing, I started working on filling my flat and my life. I took a full-time job, which ultimately led to my current job which I really enjoy. With the money I earned I bought furniture and household items that I actually liked. I spent time with my friends and made new mates. I started exploring new interests. I did some online dating and had a series of incredible experiences there.
But the point is, I would never have done those things if my relationship had remained on track. I would never have needed to buy new things or meet new people. Although it sucked at the time, stripping that floundering relationship from my life made room and space for things that have made me feel happier and more “me” than ever before.
Fear of failure is worse than actual failure
I’m a very anxious person. For years one of my biggest fears was that my relationship with my partner would end. Even when our relationship was good, I would sometimes lie awake at nights freaking out about how awful it would be if we broke up. And when we did, it was like a nightmare had come true. Only it wasn’t as awful as I’d imagined it would be.
Now, don’t get me wrong, it was pretty fucking brutal. But it wasn’t as all-consuming and insurmountable than the scenario my very active imagination had created. I managed to deal with it, survive and thrive.
This realisation has helped dramatically with my anxiety. When I’m about to take a risk or I feel scared about something, I reassure myself with the knowledge that the fear is worse than the actual scenario of failing. And that’s not just a cliche that I placate myself with. I know that to be true.
Letting a partner be your plan for the future is a mistake
I did a very dumb thing during the course of my relationship. There were many moments when I should have been planning for my future, and I’d brush away those scary thoughts about superannuation and mortgages and let Future Vanessa deal with them. You see, I thought that my relationship would last forever, and I thought that meant I’d be set for life. My partner worked hard and had a well-paying job. He knew what he wanted from his career and I was happy to just go along with that, getting away with working part-time because he earned enough to take care of the bigger, scarier expenses.
But then we broke up. And I realised I was screwed, financially. I’ve always been good with my money, but I’d never earned much. I’d saved some cash, but I never thought to put anything into my superannuation, or worry about my financial future. My plan for the future was to let my boyfriend take care of it. I’m ashamed to admit that, but it was the truth. And I paid dearly for that error. But after some panicking and nervous crying I got my butt into gear. I took on a full-time job to better support myself. I opened a dedicated savings account. I put money into superannuation. I started researching investments and cutting my discretionary spending. And now I’m in a much more comfortable financial position.
So now, if I wind up on my own for good, I’ll be set up to take care of myself. And if I do end up getting married down the track, I’m coming into that union with a solid foundation and the knowledge that I’ve got my own back.
A “successful” relationship doesn’t always mean “One that doesn’t end”
For a long time I nursed a deep wound caused by the feeling that I’d failed. I felt that because we’d broken up, my relationship with my boyfriend was all terrible and all wrong. I tortured myself thinking about all our happy memories, and tainting them with the idea that they were somehow flawed because we had broken up.
I had an epiphany while watching How I Met Your Mother. In the final episode, where Barney and Robin reveal that they are getting divorced after a few years of marriage, Robin mentions that their marriage hadn’t failed, but rather that it was a successful marriage that only lasted three years. That hit me so hard, because it’s really true. Not all wonderful, successful and important relationships last forever. And not all long-term relationships are successful. For so much of our time together, my relationship with my ex was awesomely fun, romantic and nurturing. I felt supported and truly happy. And that isn’t tainted by the fact that our relationship didn’t last. It was what was right for us for a portion of our lives, but after that we were no longer compatible. It happens, and it doesn’t make me or my ex a failure.
Have you learned any hard lessons from a breakup? If so I’d love to hear about it in the comments section.
Gosh, I just want to hug you. I remember how hard the break up was for you, and I remember how hard my previous one was, but I remember telling you it does get better. This post shows that! Break ups can be the most heartbreaking thing to experience AT THE TIME. You really do feel like the world has fallen out from under your feet, but it’s amazing what can then grow from the ashes. I think in a way heartbreak has a way of making you a stronger person.
I’ve always thought of myself as having multiple ‘soul mates’ and thats not always in a romantic sense, but sometimes you meet people who you connect with on a different level, and sometimes these people are in your life forever and sometimes only a few years, but it’s more then just a friendship.
I love the idea of thinking that a relationship hasn’t failed, that is was sucessful for certain amount of time. It makes it feel that it wasn’t a wasted time, which it usually isn’t. People grow and change, and sometimes it’s not closer.
Oh yes, I look back on those first few weeks and month and all I can recall is a feeling of utter despair. At the time, it was the most terrible and heartbreaking thing that had happened to me, and in a lot of ways it still is. But time certainly helped me to heal, as well as all my awesome friends and family, and a good therapist, and many bottles of wine.
And like you said, it’s amazing what can grow from the ashes. Over the past three years I’ve taken so many chances that I would never have taken if I were still in that relationship, and each has led to bigger and better things. In a way I’m grateful for my breakup, because I feel like it was the beginning of me becoming a truly independent and awesome person.
Ah, I can relate so much to this post. Though I never posted about working through my divorce, I did post ‘stuff’. And to a perceptive reader you could tell how my life had changed. Even now looking at my time after my first marriage to my second one, things have changed. My topics for blog posts and frequency even has totally changed. But as hard as it was dealing with a divorce, I married relatively young and had invested roughly the same amount of time you did in your relationship, I am glad I learned from it. Sometimes I find myself with little twinges of regret for not having ended the divorce sooner, but we are all a sum of our experiences. And where would I be now? Who knows, I know I learned and I walk away from that dark time in my life knowing I was able to move on happy and even remarry. Thanks for sharing. 🙂
You are most welcome! And you’re very right, it’s important to look at what we’ve learned and how things have changed for the better. Like you, I’ve had those moments when I wished things had ended sooner. I moved from the city to the country to be with my then-boyfriend, and I sometimes wonder if things would be better if I had stayed put and we’d ended the relationship at that point. But I’ve come to realise that there’s no point dwelling on that thought, because I’ll never know if things would have been better if I’d taken that road. We only know how the road we’re travelling panned out, and so far things are going pretty well for me. I’m so pleased that you were able to find a new, happier relationship.