What I wore: Fuzzy coats and horror brooch

Every year I look forward to winter, getting excited about finally pulling all my fuzzy jumpers and hats out of the cupboard, imagining myself rugging up in adorable vintage gloves and cardigans and prancing about in tall boots.

 

And every year July hits and I am sick of being cold and tired of planning outfits that cover the greatest possible amount of skin.  I just want to wear something that looks cute without shivering through the day.  Luckily a few weeks back I got gifted a bag of second hand clothes from my friend Judith, and in the bag was this amazing nobbly grey coat. It’s heavy and warm, like wearing a blanket, but it still looks super chic.  I’ve been wearing it non-stop, both to work and on weekends.

 

This past Saturday I adorned my new coat with a brooch from Cherry Loco that I’ve had for months but I haven’t worn nearly often enough.

 

I am wearing:

  • Hogwarts raglan tee from Jay Jays
  • Grey Boucle coat (gifted)
  • Checked jeans from Forever 21 (thrifted)
  • Black motorcycle boots from Big W
  • Redrum brooch from Cherry Loco Jewellery
  • Deadpool locket necklace (gift)
  • Ladybug stud earrings from Louvisa

 

Something about this outfit gives me a bit of a Judd-Nelson-from-The-Breakfast-Club vibe. I think it’s the combination of boots and long jacket and red checks that does it.

 

I can never get enough Hogwarts tees.  This is the only long-sleeved one I own.  I wear it so often because the colour palette means that it teams with lots of colours that I typically wear: red, blue, purple and black.  This one is a staple of my winter wardrobe.

I thought about doing a smokey eye to go with my slightly grungy look but instead opted for a clean copper eye.  I watched a makeup tutorial the night before where Detox did a fierce copper eye look and it reminded me how much I love wearing copper eyeshadow.  It’s a very eighties shade, but it’s so flattering on blue eyes and looks brighter than black or grey shadows.

 

This warm, textured coat is breathing new life into my winter wardrobe.  It’s been the perfect thing to pair with so many lighter-weight dresses and shirts to make them winter-appropriate and I’ve loved experimenting with it.

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20 ways to work D/s play into your daily life

Most of us have pretty hectic schedules and full calendars.  When it comes to finding time for Dominance and submission play (or D/s), it’s sometimes easier to work a little play into every day rather than blocking out a whole evening for a full scene.

couple holding hands love people

Photo by Life Of Pix on Pexels.com

Dominance and submission refers to a type of power exchange where one person takes on the role of Dominant or top, controlling the scene, creating rules for the submissive party and dishing out punishment.  The submissive or bottom follows the rules, giving up some or all of their power to the dominant.  Dominance and submission play is an extremely broad term that may incorporate elements of bondage, discipline, sadism, masochism, or roleplay.  Some people follow a D/s lifestyle, where their relationship permanently takes on these roles and the people in the relationship negotiate ways in which their everyday lives will operate based upon these roles.  Other people may engage in D/s as play only in the bedroom or on specific occasions.  People who enjoy temporary D/s play are more likely to switch roles, sometimes playing the dominant role and other times being more submissive.

 

If you’re interested in D/s play, you might be looking for some ideas to dip your toe into the water. Or perhaps you’re an experienced D/s player who is finding it difficult to make time for full play scenes, but still want to feel connected to your partner in a way that speaks to your power exchange dynamic.  Today I’ve got 20 ideas to get you started, some small ways that you can inject D/s into your everyday life.

*As always, negotiation is a vital part of any BDsM play.  Even with light, daily play, it’s still important to check in with your partner to discuss boundaries, limits and reactions.  Consent is the cornerstone of D/s play, so make sure that your partner is ok with any of the following actions or rules before implementing them.*

  1. The dominant partner chooses the submissive partner’s underwear for the day.  Knowing that your partner has selected the thing that’s closest to your skin is such a turn on.
  2. The dominant partner sends a text message to their submissive, demanding that they sneak into the nearest bathroom and take a sexy selfie for them.
  3. Wearable sex toys provide endless opportunities for daily play.  Requiring a submissive to wear kegel balls or a butt plug while they do household chores, or while out of the house reinforces power dynamics and is physically stimulating.
  4. Develop secret code names for each other to use in text messages or out aloud.  It can be anything that you feel comfortable with, but having a special name to call your partner that reinforces their position, such as Sir, Madam, little one or babygirl is both a term of endearment and a way to signal your dominance or submission discreetly.
  5. Make a rule that when dining together, the submissive partner is not allowed to begin eating until the dominant partner has begun their meal.
  6. Have the bottom serve food or drink to the top. The submissive partner should pour their dominant’s drink before their own.  When serving hot drinks, the handle should always be placed to face the dominant.  (you can find endless articles on D/s serving techniques which can be developed to suit your own tastes).
  7. Create a list of chores that the submissive partner has to complete, as well as a suitable punishment if chores are not completed satisfactorily.
  8. Jewellery can be used to signify submission and ownership.  Collars in the BDsM world often hold a similar significance to a wedding ring.  If you’re not ready for the commitment of collaring, you could try gifting the submissive partner with a necklace, anklet, ring or other piece of jewellery that they can wear regularly to remind them of their partner and their desire for submission.
  9. Make a rule that the submissive partner must ask the dominant’s permission before eating sweets or treats.
  10. When kissing your partner goodbye, gently but firmly hold under their jaw and tilt their head towards yours.
  11. Nothing beats pushing your partner against the wall for a passionate kiss, especially if you pin their wrists in place while doing so.
  12. Have your submissive groom you, helping you to wash in the shower, painting your nails or combing your hair.
  13. Provided the setting is warm and private, have the submissive partner strip naked or to their underwear while doing household chores.
  14. When watching television, the submissive partner could sit on the floor at their master’s feet.
  15. Foot rubs and massages are both relaxing for the dominant partner and a way for their submissive to show their service.
  16. Have a short morning or evening ritual, where the submissive says or texts good morning or good night to the dominant, so that they are the first thing they think of upon waking and the final thing they think of as they drift off to sleep at night.
  17. Have the submissive read erotic stories or poetry to the dominant partner.
  18. During sex or masturbation , the submissive partner must ask permission to climax.
  19. Allow the submissive to lay out the dominant’s clothes before work, or pack their lunch to show service and devotion.
  20. Together, write a mantra or vow that sums up your role in one another’s lives.  Each day, find a moment to reflect on this mantra, and carry it with you.

As you can see from this list, there are a lot of simple, everyday activities that can become a part of D/s play.  That is because Dominance and submission isn’t necessarily represented by specific acts, but by the mindset that accompanies them.  So for a lot of people, doing the dishes is a simple household chore that must be done each day.  But for me as a submissive, doing the dishes for my Sir is a way to serve him and show my love and respect for him.  With a bit of creativity and discussion, it’s easy to think of ways that you can weave Dominance and submission into your everyday life, just by adopting the mindset that “we are doing this as an expression of our dynamic”.

 

It is vital to note that there is no one specific way to incorporate D/s into your relationship.  Every relationship is different and so are the people within it.  People change with time and so the relationship has to be periodically revisited and revised to suit shifting circumstances.  There’s nothing wrong with wanting to just do the odd spot of D/s play, or switching roles as you see fit.  These small acts of D/s can be done as a one-off or developed into an ongoing set of rules or protocols for lifestyle D/s.  The most important thing is to communicate with your partner and ensure that everyone is happy and comfortable with the play you’re partaking in.

 

Do you incorporate Dominance and submission into your everyday life?  What are some other ways that you can weave D/s play into the day-to-day?

 

What I wore: body con dresses in winter

Lately I’ve found myself in a bit of a wardrobe rut.  Winter has begun and it’s been icy around these parts.  As such, I’ve found myself reaching for the same warm and cosy clothes over and over.  And that’s fine, but it’s making me feel bored and a bit sluggish. I’m the type of person who needs to dress up once in a while, to put on something fun to sweep the cobwebs out of my brain.  For me, trying something new with my clothes is like a cup of coffee for my soul.

I pulled out a body con dress I was given by a friend a few months ago.  I wore it a lot in summer, but now that the weather has cooled off, I hadn’t reached for it in a while.  I decided to pair it with thermal leggings, boots and a slouchy jumper for a sassy winter look.

I am wearing:

  • floral body con dress
  • Black fleece-lined tights from The Reject Shop
  • Black knitted jumper from Cotton On
  • Black vegan leather boots from Ebay
  • Moonstone ring from Louvisa
  • Dr Frank brooch from Erstwilder
  • Vintage silver earrings.

This almost all-black ensemble felt like the perfect backdrop for my Dr Frank brooch.  He’s one of my favourite Erstwilder creations, and I’m particularly smitten with his tiny pearl necklace.

I paired a few makeup products that I don’t usually wear together- a smokey purple eye with a pink lip and I was pretty happy with the result. I have been wearing a lot of dark lip colours lately and it was a refreshing change to wear something a bit punchier.

It’s so easy to update your summer clothes for the cooler months.  Adding warm legwear, a jumper or cardigan and boots brings your body con dresses forwards into the new season and means that you can get twice as much wear out of them.

 

Do you wear body con dresses in winter?  How do you style yours?

My Implanon experience

If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you’ll know that over the last year I’ve had a bit of a struggle with birth control.  I came off the pill after more than ten years in an attempt to ease my chronic migraines.  I tried a Mirena IUD, which initially was great.  But my body expelled the IUD so I was back to square one. After a lot of research and debate, I decided to give the Implanon implant a try.

What is implanon?

Implanon is a long-term contraceptive option.  It’s a flexible plastic rod that’s about the same size as a matchstick. The rod is inserted below the skin on the upper arm.  Once inserted, the rod gradually releases hormones to suppress ovulation.  Implanon lasts three years.

I chose the Implanon for a couple of reasons.  Firstly, even though it’s a hormonal birth control method, it’s a  steady dose of hormones.  I already knew that my migraines were aggravated by the varying dose of hormones in the pill, and that they settled down when I was using the IUD.  So I felt confident that the Implanon wouldn’t trigger my migraines.

I was also keen to try the implant because it is extremely effective.  Implanon is more than 99.9% effective, making it the most effective birth control method on the market. I also liked that it was a “set and forget” method that didn’t require remembering to take a pill or get a shot regularly.  Implanon is also fairly cheap.  I paid $35 for the implant itself and then $70 for the doctor’s appointment to have it inserted.  So all up it was around $100 for three years of contraceptive protection.

Initial difficulties

I had a fair amount of difficulty getting the implant inserted.  I made an initial appointment with my doctor, who answered all my questions and gave me a prescription for the implant.  She explained that she isn’t trained to insert the device herself, but there are five other doctors at my practice who are.  For best results, it’s recommended that the Implanon is inserted on the second or third day of your period, because this reduces the likelihood of side effects.  My doctor instructed me to wait until I had my period and then call the surgery to make an appointment for the insertion.

 

Now, I live in a small country town, and it is very difficult to get a doctors appointment.  I usually wait up to three weeks for a doctors appointment. So I tried to plan ahead.  I got out my calendar and made an educated guess at when I expected my period to arrive, and then made an appointment three weeks in advance.  However I miscalculated and when that day rolled around my period hadn’t started yet.  I went to the appointment anyway but the doctor told me he couldn’t do the procedure until my period began.  He assured me that if I rang on the day my period arrived and explained the situation, I’d be able to get an appointment on the right day.

 

So three days later I got my period.  I immediately rang the clinic to book my appointment, and was told that there were no available appointments.  I explained to the receptionist that my doctor had told me I needed an appointment on this specific day, and that I’d been waiting weeks without contraception.  I asked if she had any emergency appointments set aside.  She said she did, but this isn’t an emergency so I couldn’t have one.  By this point I was fed up.  I was frustrated from the trial and error with birth control, sick of doctors appointments, tired of being anxious about accidentally becoming pregnant (despite being exceptionally careful) while I waited for long term birth control and angry that I wasn’t able to get an appointment on the day I badly needed one.  I burst into tears on the phone.  I think the receptionist was shocked and offered me an appointment the following day.  I tearfully accepted it.

 

Insertion

The day I had the Implanon inserted I was very nervous.  I was mostly anxious that the doctor would refuse to do the procedure again, and that I’d be left without contraception for another month.  But luckily for me, he was happy to put the implant in once I’d confirmed that my period had arrived.

 

The insertion process was very quick and almost completely painless.  The doctor had me lie down and remove my shirt so that my arm was exposed.  He then cleaned the inside of my upper arm and marked the spot where the implant would be inserted.  He gave me an injection of some numbing solution which stung the tiniest bit, and was the most painful part of the whole process.  After that he quickly inserted the implant using  the applicator it comes in. The applicator looks scary, like a plastic gun with a giant hollow needle poking out of it, but it really wasn’t anything to be frightened of.  Basically the needle went right into my arm, under the skin, he slid a lever across which pushed the implant out of the needle and into my arm and then carefully removed the applicator.  He then gently pressed on my arm to make sure that the implant was in there and in the right spot and let me feel it for myself.  Then I got a bandaid and a bandage on my arm and I was allowed to leave.

The results

After the numbing wore off my arm was a little bit tender.  I had some light bruising and I had to leave the dressing on for a few days.  My arm was a little stiff for about three days after the procedure, but not really sore.  I had a little puncture mark where the needle had gone in and I now have a tiny diamond-shaped scar.

 

I love the fact that I can feel the rod under the skin of my arm.  It feels very reassuring to know that it’s right there, doing it’s job.  And it’s a cool party trick to be able to show it off to my friends.

 

I haven’t had any side effects at all since I had the rod inserted.  Some women report itching at the insertion site, headaches, nausea and irregular bleeding.  I have had none of that.  The only thing that’s happened is that my periods have stopped, which is very common with the Implanon.

 

After all the drama I went through to actually have the Implanon put in, I’m so relieved to have found a contraceptive that is working for me without triggering my migraines.  I feel confident that I’m protected from unwanted pregnancy for the next three years, and I don’t even have to think about it.  I’d definitely recommend considering the Implanon if you’re looking for a set-and-forget birth control method that’s fairly inexpensive and very effective.

 

Have you tried Implanon?  Did you like it?  Do you have any questions for me about mine?

What I wore: a birthday in Wonderland

For as long as I can remember, I’ve adored Alice in Wonderland and Through The Looking Glass.  As a child the story opened up a world of impossible creatures and grand adventures.  The older I get, the more I appreciate the surreal elements of the story and the riddles hidden within. Alice in Wonderland has also had an influence on my personal style and I’ve done a number of Alice themed outfits over the years.

When ACMI in Melbourne revealed that they were holding an entire exhibition devoted to Wonderland, I was keen to check it out.  And what better day to head along to this event than my birthday?  My lovely boyfriend David and his mum and stepdad came along with me to celebrate my 32nd birthday.

When I was choosing what to wear, naturally I knew that it had to be Wonderland themed.  I had two dresses in mind, one that reminded me of Alice and another that was more Queen of Hearts in style.  Ultimately I decided that on my birthday, I really wanted to dress in a manner inspired by the accidental heroine of Lewis Carroll’s tale, Alice.

I am wearing:

  • Vintage blue and white checked dress
  • Black bodysuit from Missguided
  • Razzamatazz polka dot tights
  • Black and silver flats (thrifted)
  • Vintage playing card bracelet
  • Teacup earrings from Disney Couture
  • Teacup ring from One Day in Paradise
  • Teapot ring from Equip
  • Crinoline petticoat from Vicious Venus
  • Kitty ear fascinator from Louvisa

I blended numerous Wonderland elements into this outfit.  I wanted to look like a pinup, rockabilly version of Alice.  I wore my hair up in a pomp and added my kitty ears as a nod to the Cheshire Cat.  I kept my shoes low and comfortable but added a pop of colour with bright blue polka dot tights.  My crinoline petticoat gave my skirt a full look, mirroring the way that Alice’s skirt poofs out when she’s drifting through space down the rabbit hole.

 

Fun cup and saucer earrings from Disney Couture to call back to the Mad Hatter’s tea party.

This playing card brooch was a gift from one of my friends last Christmas and I just adore it.  It’s so unique and it was the perfect adornment for a trip to Wonderland.  So much of the style of Alice in Wonderland is inspired by playing card motifs, from the Queen of Heart’s court to the guards that protect her castle.

I went with a 1960’s inspired makeup look, with a pop of blue eyeshadow, cats-eye eyeliner and nude lips.

David and I snapped a few selfies while we were waiting to go into the gallery. At this point I was so excited and I was rearing to get inside and see what the exhibit had to offer.

This was the first time I’ve ever been to an exhibition at ACMI where you have been allowed to take photographs inside.  I took quite a lot of photos but I don’t want to share them all because it would spoil the exhibit for any Melbourne-based readers who are yet to check it out.  There was so much to see and do, and the whole experience was very exciting and interactive.  There was a large section dedicated to Lewis Carroll himself, with original notebooks and letters in his hand.  The exhibit showcases costumes, props and artwork from many of the early Alice in Wonderland films as well as animation cells and concept art from the Disney version.  There are a lot of exhibits that show how certain visual effects were achieved and lots of props for you to take your picture with so that you look smaller or larger than usual.  My favourite part was a room filled with costumes and props from the Tim Burton version of Alice in Wonderland, including Alice’s suit of armour which is just stunning.  The exhibit ends with a tribute to all the ways that Alice has permeated pop culture, from Gwen Stefani’s music videos to The Matrix.

I had so much fun at ACMI and it was the perfect way to celebrate my birthday.  If you’re an Alice fan and you’re in Melbourne between now and the 7th October, I definitely recommend that you check it out.

 

What would you wear if you went to the Alice in Wonderland exhibition?  Would you take inspiration from Alice or a different Wonderland character?

Product review: Hero by Tantus

I’ve never been a fan of realistic-looking toys.  I tend to avoid dildos and vibrators that look like actual penises.  I find it really difficult to get excited about a toy that looks like it’s been chopped off a body.  So when I unboxed the Hero which was lovingly sent my way by Tantus, I was surprised that I didn’t immediately recoil at the sight of it.  Further to that, after trying the Hero, I can definitely see the merits of a toy with realistic features.

I think the thing that sets the Hero apart from a lot of realistic toys is the colour.  The Hero doesn’t come in flesh tones, but rather in shades of Peacock Blue and Periwinkle.  These bright and unconventional hues instantly make the toy look less like a disembodied appendage and more like a fun object for sexy play.  I was lucky enough to be sent the Periwinkle incarnation of the Hero, and I instantly fell in love with the colour.

As insertables go, I’d say that the Hero ranks at the midpoint in terms of size.  The insertable length is only 5.5 inches, which is plenty to satisfy but still not the largest of the toys I’ve tried.  The diameter of the toy is 2 inches, which is enough to give a nice full feeling, but not so massive that I need to warm up with another toy before I use it.  The shorter length of the Hero makes it great for harness play, because it’s easier to control than a longer dildo.  I find that longer dildos can be more challenging to use in a harness because they can be unwieldy when thrusting and there’s always the danger of being too aggressive and hitting your partner in the cervix (which is no fun for anyone).  The stout shape makes the Hero a great option for strap-on sex.

The other thing that makes the Hero one of my favourite strap-on dildos is those bulging balls hanging from the base of the toy.  I’ve never really understood the appeal of testicles on dildos, other than for aesthetic reasons.  When I strapped the Hero into my harness for the first time, my eyes were opened.  If you’re the partner who is wearing the harness, often you miss out stimulation during play.  But when I’m wearing the Hero, those balls line up beautifully with my pubic mound, which provides pressure and stimulation while I’m thrusting.  If you have a clitoris and you enjoy strap-on sex, I definitely recommend giving the Hero a go.

If you’re using the Hero for solo play, those balls also really come in handy.  They provide an excellent base so that you can stand the toy upright on a chair, bed or in the bathtub and ride it. Even though this particular toy isn’t suction cup compatible (as a lot of Tantus toys are) it’s still stable enough to use on a flat surface without it tipping over.  If you prefer toys that you can mount, the Hero is a great choice.

When I saw the super-straight shaft on the Hero, I was doubtful whether this would be adequate for g-spot play.  I prefer curved toys that really target my g-spot as opposed to straight shafts that tend to miss it.  However, I was totally wrong about the Hero.  Even though it doesn’t hit my g-spot directly, that pronounced coronal ridge strums against it during thrusting, which was something I hadn’t experienced before and really enjoyed.  This indirect rubbing on my g-spot was enough for me to orgasm without even touching my clitoris, something that is almost unheard of for me.  The downside of the pronounced head is that it made the toy a little difficult for me to insert, because it kept catching on my pubic bone.  But with plenty of lube and a little patience, I was able to avoid this problem.

The Hero is made of matte silicone with a fairly firm texture.  The firmness of the toy was the factor that made this toy such a joy for my g-spot, and also makes it easy to control in a harness.  However, there is also a Super Soft version of the Hero if you’d prefer something a bit more forgiving.  I have a Destiny Super Soft from Tantus, which provides less intense internal stimulation but is still great to give you something to clench around during play.  The matte silicone has a slightly sticky texture to it and tends to collect dust and hair readily.  I’m not a fan of that sticky feel, but it does go away when the toy is wet or lubed up.  The high-quality silicone is body safe, easy to clean and can be sterilised in boiling water or in the top shelf of your dishwasher.

After playing with the Hero, I’ve done a 90 degree turn on my opinion of realistic toys.  I’m still not ready to go for something that looks lifelike, but I see how certain features which are inspired by real genitals can provide extra stimulation for out-of-this-world play.  The Hero is a perfect hybrid between fantasy and reality and hits all the right notes.

Does pegging make you gay?

I get a fair number of emails and messages from men who are interested in trying pegging.  For those of you who aren’t familiar with the term, “pegging” was coined by Dan Savage to describe when a person (usually a woman) penetrates their partner (usually a man) in the butt with a strap-on.  And it seems like a lot of you guys are interested in this particular sex act, because it’s one of the topics I get asked about most often by readers.

wooden laundry washing clothes line

Photo by Gratisography on Pexels.com

 

I’ve noticed something really interesting about these messages though.  When the author of the message is a guy, it usually goes something like “I’m not gay, but I’m really curious about pegging.  I want to ask my girlfriend to use a strap-on on me, but i don’t want her to think I’m gay”.  Or “I am really turned on by the idea of my wife having strap-on sex with me.  Does that mean that I’m gay?”.  Occasionally I will also get a woman asking for tips for successful pegging who also throws in a question about her partner’s sexuality.  So I wanted to unpack that question a little, and ask if pegging, or wanting to be pegged, means that a man is gay?

 

First of all, let’s talk about the reasons why someone might like to be pegged.  The most obvious answer is “because it feels good”.  The anus is packed with nerve endings which, when stimulated, can feel incredibly pleasurable.  Anal penetration is a great way to engage the prostate, which can feel amazing for the receptive partner.  Pegging also allows for multiple avenues of stimulation at once, as the partner wearing the strap on can also use their hands to play with their partner’s genitals or nipples.  So from a purely physical level, pegging feels great and that’s one reason why people like doing it.

 

Secondly, pegging creates a scenario that is mentally stimulating.  For a heterosexual man who has a penis, being penetrated is not something they typically get to experience.  Pegging flips the sexual script somewhat, and this can make the receptive partner feel vulnerable and even submissive.  Pegging often features in BDsM play where a male partner wishes to be dominated or “taken” by a female partner.  In addition to this, anal play is still considered something of a taboo, and so there’s the excitement that comes with doing something that we feel is illicit or naughty.  Pegging can be very intimate and romantic, and for some couples it’s an opportunity to try something new, to share a novel and special experience together. The emotional and intellectual stimulation is as much, if not more, a part of why people enjoy playing with strap-ons.

 

Just as anal play is still thought of as being “risque” there’s also a stereotype that anal penetration is “gay”.  There’s this idea that anal sex is a favourite pastime of all gay men, and so if you’re a man who craves butt sex, maybe that’s a sign that you’re secretly gay? Anal play has become stereotypically intertwined with homosexuality, so for a lot of people, wanting it up the butt is inherently gay.

 

I find this idea interesting for a couple of reasons.  First of all, anal play isn’t exclusive to men.  Literally anyone who is willing is able to experience butt play.  Everyone has a butt, and so anal play is one of the least gendered types of sex play available.  And yet it’s become so deeply linked in the public psyche with gay male culture.  Furthermore, anal sex isn’t as popular among homosexual men as you might think.  In a 2003 study of homosexual experiences in Australia, Andrew Grulich et al reported that only one third of their participants who identified as homosexual men engaged in anal sex.  On the other hand, three quarters of their gay male participants reported that they regularly engaged in oral sex.  So in actual fact, blow jobs are much more popular among homosexual men than anal sex.  Although some gay men do enjoy and engage in anal play, many do not.  And many people who are not gay men like having their butts played with.  The idea that anal sex is “gay” just isn’t correct.

 

Further to that, I don’t think that wanting to do particular sexual acts is an indicator of your sexuality.  I think what’s more important is who you want to be doing those acts with.  What defines homosexuality is being attracted to people of the same gender as yourself.  So if you’re a man, and you’re not attracted to other men, then you’re not gay.  If you’re a man who wants his wife/girlfriend/female sexual partner to bone him with a dildo, you’re probably not gay.  What matters here is who you’re attracted to, not which acts you include in your sexual repertoire.

 

And finally, there isn’t anything wrong with being gay, although I completely understand the confusion and fear that comes with questioning your own sexuality.  If you do have an inkling that you’re attracted to members of the same gender, that’s ok.   I think the fear that many people have of being “secretly gay” is one that stems from a worry that our identity is fluid, that things we feel are true about ourselves might not always be so.  In my limited experience, I’ve never met a person who was personally surprised to realise that they were not heterosexual.  Generally, people who are homosexual or bisexual tend to have an inkling that this is the case, even well before they’re willing to take on that label.

 

So no, I don’t think that wanting to try pegging means that you’re gay.  It could mean that you’re interested in exploring a new sensation, or you already know how great prostate stimulation is and you want more.  Or maybe you’re drawn to the power dynamics and sexual rebelliousness that pegging represents.  Whatever the reason, I don’t think that being curious about or turned on by pegging means that a man is harbouring same-sex tendencies.  (or that same-sex desires are something to be feared or ashamed of, but that’s a whole other blog post).